|“I would rather die a meaningful death than to live a meaningless life.”
This path brings you face to face with the best and the worst in you. Your old story comes up and claws into you trying to hold on for dear life. This old story contains all our weakness and vices. All our sins and crimes.
You are like this grey cloud in my head. Literally inside. And not only do you rain down on me, you constantly pass judgment! You are the birthplace of my confusion, my insecurity and my lack of decision-making.
You are the reason I always second guess myself. Why I don’t have trust or faith.
Where did you come from? Sometimes you feel like a lost boy. I wish I could get you home.
Sometimes you disguise yourself as intelligence (rational or emotional). But the truth is that I always see through you. I know you but I let you take over anyway. You always make it seem like I have more to lose than to gain. But I have clarity now, I have love and I have light. I have power. You feel smaller now, but you’re still there… surviving.
Maybe if you let go, it will liberate you. Maybe at the bottom of that abyss is your home, who knows?
I think you should go. I don’t need you anymore. Thank you for our time. You really forced me to fight hard against you so… thank you. But really, you can go now. I’ll be just fine without you.
You’re like a husband I never had.
That old ball & chain.
I’ve dragged you around for as long as I can remember.
I sometimes think I was born with you.
But what good have you done me?
You come to me as self-pity and I wallow in you.
I used to consider you my conscience.
You’d be the one to tell me what was right and what was wrong.
But to you, everything I wanted was wrong.
You told me I was selfish. You even told me to stop wanting things. That I could live without having anything. That I had to learn to appreciate what I had. That there was happiness and reward in sacrifice. That by following you, I was being humble and noble.
What kind of bias conscience are you? My whole life I felt remorse for not doing or being what others wanted me to be and you… oh, you had a party with that. Every time I was about to make a decision for myself and my happiness, I envisioned how it would impact others and boom! You exploded like a supernova in my heart. Why couldn’t I just want what others wanted me to want for myself? You made me hate that I was different. What is so wrong with wanting to live life just for me? Why is it my duty, my obligation to fulfill all the expectations put on me? Last time I checked, I wasn’t a fairy. So why do you keep suffocating me? How can I fly with your weight holding my soul down like gravity? I don’t know how to get rid of you yet, but for now I’ve learned a neat trick. I learned that I can reverse you. Instead of feeling you when I let others down, I will only feel you when I let myself down. You will only haunt me when I am not being true to myself. To my beliefs. You will also have a companion from now on. Her name is compassion.
I have carried you around for so long. You’ve become like an old friend that’s no good for me yet one I choose over others who are more worthy.
You keep me in the dark, and the hardest part is that I know the light. I’ve seen it. I recognize it. But you make it seem out of reach for me.
How long do you intend on keeping me prisoner?
You take the joy out of life. You blind me. Turn me into something I’m not.
You make me ugly and small. I’m tired of waiting for you to release me. I kept thinking that if I grew up, matured, and deepened my knowledge in spirituality that you would let me go. But NO. Here you are.
Gate keeper of my happiness and freedom.
I now realize that it was never your responsibility to release me.
I had to release YOU.
I had the power all along.
But I know you. You’re going to try to come back to me. That’s alright. I’ll never forget whose boss again.
You are not my friend. You don’t keep me safe. You keep me locked in a cage.
I’m letting you go. I’ll take the risk of being hurt or rejected or unloved or defeated.
Whatever comes my way, I’ll face it. My happiness is worth the risk.
My freedom is worth fearlessness.