A Wake for my Weaknesses

 

“I would rather die a meaningful death than to live a meaningless life.”
Corazon Aquino
I am always first to admit when I make a mistake. I have no pride holding me back from recognizing that I am flawed. After all, I am human. But I am also divine. And I am now learning how to live from this divine nature within me…
For me this hasn’t been easy since I am someone prone to playing the victim role. There is always something or someone else to blame for what is happening to me…
I come from a line of toxic family beliefs: “money is the best indicator of success, vulnerability is a sign of weakness, honesty is cowardice, love is meaningless, time for leisure is laziness, etc etc”
For a long time, all I remember is how much I criticized myself for not meeting these standards. How well I put myself down, oh boy, I should’ve won some kind of prize. I didn’t appreciate any of my qualities. I always focused on what I didn’t have or what I was missing or what I had in excess.
It wasn’t until I discovered meditation that my old story and belief patterns were able to melt away and I could fall into the truth of who I am.
How you perceive yourself creates the filter, the lens through which you see everything… your entire world. How you see others is a reflection of how you see yourself. So if you see yourself as unworthy, you are going to seek worthiness in places and people…. and that just isn’t healthy. Trust me, I know.
But when we see ourselves as beings of energy, of love, of peace, beauty and bliss…. we allow ourselves to shine and we give permission to the other person to do so as well.
I now follow a specific spiritual path. Practicing Raja Yoga meditation, dedicating myself to serving others, having a focus of self-study and personal growth in order to be an example through my dharna. Being a part of a spiritual family and transcending the human form to become who we once were: Shaktis. This practice is my life and this is where the inspiration for my article comes from.

This path brings you face to face with the best and the worst in you. Your old story comes up and claws into you trying to hold on for dear life. This old story contains all our weakness and vices. All our sins and crimes.

It is not enough to just recognize them. The objective is to leave them behind. To destroy that which no longer serves you so you can make room for the light. To say it’s an emotional roller-coaster is an understatement. Fear  will appear like a knight in shining armor convinced that is has come to save you!
What I’ve found is that we can’t focus on our weaknesses, but rather our strengths. The stronger we are, the stronger the opposition. In order to stop identifying ourselves with our weaknesses we need to start to identify with our strengths, our innate qualities, our virtues, our powers. The more we connect with the wholeness that we are, the more we close the door to our faults. 
I have recently buried three very important weaknesses in my life. Each one of us knows who our monsters are and what they look like. These are mine. Thank you all for coming to their funeral:

My doubts


You are like this grey cloud in my head. Literally inside. And not only do you rain down on me, you constantly pass judgment! You are the birthplace of my confusion, my insecurity and my lack of decision-making.

You are the reason I always second guess myself. Why I don’t have trust or faith.

Where did you come from? Sometimes you feel like a lost boy. I wish I could get you home.

Sometimes you disguise yourself as intelligence (rational or emotional). But the truth is that I always see through you. I know you but I let you take over anyway. You always make it seem like I have more to lose than to gain. But I have clarity now, I have love and I have light. I have power. You feel smaller now, but you’re still there… surviving.

Maybe if you let go, it will liberate you. Maybe at the bottom of that abyss is your home, who knows?

I think you should go. I don’t need you anymore. Thank you for our time. You really forced me to fight hard against you so… thank you. But really, you can go now. I’ll be just fine without you.


My guilt


You’re like a husband I never had.

That old ball & chain.

I’ve dragged you around for as long as I can remember.

I sometimes think I was born with you.

But what good have you done me?

You come to me as self-pity and I wallow in you.

I used to consider you my conscience.

You’d be the one to tell me what was right and what was wrong.

But to you, everything I wanted was wrong.

You told me I was selfish. You even told me to stop wanting things. That I could live without having anything. That I had to learn to appreciate what I had. That there was happiness and reward in sacrifice. That by following you, I was being humble and noble.

What kind of bias conscience are you? My whole life I felt remorse for not doing or being what others wanted me to be and you… oh, you had a party with that. Every time I was about to make a decision for myself and my happiness, I envisioned how it would impact others and boom! You exploded like a supernova in my heart. Why couldn’t I just want what others wanted me to want for myself? You made me hate that I was different. What is so wrong with wanting to live life just for me? Why is it my duty, my obligation to fulfill all the expectations put on me? Last time I checked, I wasn’t a fairy. So why do you keep suffocating me? How can I fly with your weight holding my soul down like gravity? I don’t know how to get rid of you yet, but for now I’ve learned a neat trick. I learned that I can reverse you. Instead of feeling you when I let others down, I will only feel you when I let myself down. You will only haunt me when I am not being true to myself. To my beliefs. You will also have a companion from now on. Her name is compassion.


My fears


I have carried you around for so long. You’ve become like an old friend that’s no good for me yet one I choose over others who are more worthy.

You keep me in the dark, and the hardest part is that I know the light. I’ve seen it. I recognize it. But you make it seem out of reach for me.

How long do you intend on keeping me prisoner?

You take the joy out of life. You blind me. Turn me into something I’m not.

You make me ugly and small. I’m tired of waiting for you to release me. I kept thinking that if I grew up, matured, and deepened my knowledge in spirituality that you would let me go. But NO. Here you are.

Gate keeper of my happiness and freedom.

I now realize that it was never your responsibility to release me.

I had to release YOU.

I had the power all along.

But I know you. You’re going to try to come back to me. That’s alright. I’ll never forget whose boss again.

You are not my friend. You don’t keep me safe. You keep me locked in a cage.

I’m letting you go. I’ll take the risk of being hurt or rejected or unloved or defeated.

Whatever comes my way, I’ll face it. My happiness is worth the risk.

My freedom is worth fearlessness.
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Look… Listen…

We live in a world of contrast. Of duality. Of division. Of perception. Of perspective. Of difference. Of illusion…

We focus on the little things. After all, these are often the big things in our life. We focus on our family, friends, work, our belongings, our dreams. Each one of us has a bubble we can fit our whole life into. Everything and everyone we know.

Isn’t it funny, however, that even though we focus on what we can see, on what’s right in front of us… sometimes… we miss it altogether?

The big picture.

The raw beauty that always surrounds us. The energy. The connectivity. The LOVE.

We prioritize possessions over experiences.

We think tomorrow is promised.

We take the act of breathing for granted.

We take our very existance… for granted.

When was the last time you thought of yourself as more than just your name, age, nationality, profession, gender or status…

When was the last time you contemplated yourself as a universe, within a universe, within a universe?

Who are you? What are you? Why are you here?

When was the last time you had a conversation with the real you?

Speak up, soul.

Speak loud.

This body is here to listen.

I suffer from F.O.B.S {& more confessions…}

I’ve procrastinated for over 2 weeks deliberating whether or not to write this article. Alas, here I am.

This is going to be a tad different from other posts. I’m going to get more personal and intimate with you. More open, more honest.

Am I a positive person? Hell yes.

Am I spiritual? I am constantly practicing spirituality.

Am I kind? The older I get, the kinder I get.

Am I good? As good as I want to be on a good day.

Am I perfect? No freaking way.

I am human after all.

Could I be better? Yes.

Could I be happier? Indeed.

Could I be more stable in my emotions? Absolutely!

Could I achieve great things? Yes. Yes. Yes.

What’s stopping me?

That is what we’re going to talk about today…

You see, I think that ever since childhood I’ve suffered from this particular syndrome.

I call it the F.O.B.S, i.e:

THE FEAR OF BEING SEEN

 

Just by hearing this, you can probably relate. Maybe it made you smile or shy away. Either way, I know I’m not alone in this.

The Fear of Being Seen Syndrome has plagued me my whole life.

Imagine that you are the sole owner of the biggest, brightest, clearest and finest diamond in the entire world. What do you do? Wear it around your neck everywhere you go? Or keep it somewhere hidden where you know it will be safe?

Now imagine, that diamond… is you. You are this beautiful, one of a kind gem. You’re priceless. So what do you do? Do you put yourself out there, lay your truth bare, stand naked in Times Square to show off your radiance? No… you hide it. You keep it safe. You protect it. Or at least that’s what you tell yourself…

our-deepest-fear-is-not-that-we-are-inadequate-our-deepest-fear-is-that-we-are-powerful-beyond-measure

All these years, it’s what I told myself. I was SO AFRAID of being seen. Of someone discovering the REAL me. Of being recognized for who I really am. Of being noticed for my kindness, my thoughts, my words, my deeds, and most importantly…. My heart.

Yet, at the same time, I was DYING for someone to see beyond what I would show. Like some magic stare from some magical person could break through all the falsities and just see… me. If it happened like that, I would know that I was safe.

Ultimately, it was a fear of being hurt, rejected, judged, criticized, also a fear or raising the bar of expectations (for others and myself), a fear of not being able to go backwards, a fear of not recognizing myself, of losing the relationship I had with me. A fear of being inadequate, of not feeling like enough….. Basically, the entire dictionary of fears!

No matter what I did, I couldn’t shake these fears off my shoulders. I collected all my insecurities like jewelry and decorated myself with them.

For years I felt heavy. Unaware of the invisible weight I was carrying around with me. (not to mention the additional physical weight of top of that!)

It took me YEARS and I mean that literally to gain some perspective, some self-love and self-respect.

To love myself, want myself and choose myself the way I wanted others to.

It took me decades to value and appreciate my strengths, my talents, my gifts, my AWESOMENESS!

Like I am a GREAT listener (seriously, ask anybody), If you’re my friend you know you can always count on me, I’m a giving lover, I’m a challenging daughter (in a  good way hahaha, I love you Ma & Pa), I’m a grateful traveler, a pretty rad teacher. However, there are things I want to try that push me outside of that attractive comfort zone so I keep procrastinating because secretly I am terrified of trying new things (yup). For example, my friends tell me I have a really nice voice and I’ve got a knack for storytelling. I actually love to tell stories. However, making videos or starting a podcast intimidates me. (plus im not as technologically savvy as I seem…. You see what happened right there? Another limiting belief… * mental delete*)

These are things that I push through, little by little, piece by piece, day by day, until the puzzle is complete.

fabulous

I KNOW I have so much more to offer, to give away, to learn, to see, to be. Sometimes during my meditations I feel this power surge through me, begging me to be released. How? Where? Into what? These are the current questions that plague me.

How do I reach a state of full expression? Without limitations or restrictions?

How do I let myself show, completely, unapologetically, openly, strongly, and wholeheartedly?

How do I let go of my fear of being more that what I thought I was capable of?

How do I fall into all this gorgeous glory?

Gosh, does it really belong to me?

YES!!!! Because IT IS ME!

So, I guess, my advice to you after all these years of searching and hurting and growing and breaking and learning is the following:

Life is a story and you are the main character. You can choose to be the hero, the villain or the victim.

But ultimately, it’s your choice. You can hold so many titles. Play so many characters. Just choose the one that fits you best.

Every day I choose to be the hero. The warrior. The kindness agent. The dream maker. The philosopher. The gardener. The healer. The photographer. The artist. The musician. The nomad. The label breaker. The seamstress. The butterfly. The leaf. The sun rays. The treasure. The diamond. The student. The guest. The star. The instrument. The raindrop. The feather. The cloud. The ocean. The rock. The scientist. The lotus. The dragon. The swan. The passenger. The key. The pearl. The projector. The blank page. The entire damn Saga.

You are a soul. You are Concentrated Energy. Know this. Know the light that you hold. The power within.

Know your worth. Discover you’re limitless. Admire yourself.

You are everything you have ever searched for

You are Love

You are Peace

You are Happiness

You are Truth

You are Beauty

You are Bliss

Know this

Feel this

Be this

And allow yourself to shine through

All the fears and BS around you

Just…

Be.

Dear Reader,

I beg of you…

Remember your divinity.

 

{this article was mad scary to write so please be gentle with your comments. My big, open, heart would appreciate it. Thanks}

,

I’ll Never be enough…

Have you EVER said this to yourself?

I’ll never be…

good enough

smart enough

pretty enough

thin enough

just… not enough.

I wish I could say I don’t have these thoughts about myself anymore, but every now and then they pop up to remind me of the limiting beliefs I used to hold as true.

Now I know just a little better…

Now I know that no matter what or when, I am ALWAYS enough.

It’s not even something I need to be, it is something I am inherently.

It’s my fears, my self-doubts, my poor self-esteem that keep me from seeing me for all that I am and for appreciating myself just as I am.

 

Doesn’t it hurt?

When you’re unkind to yourself?

Don’t you start to feel even worse?

Negative attracts negative. It’s a downward spiral from there. I know this feeling. I’ve seen myself fall down the ladder so many times. Gosh.

But you want to know the beautiful part? The really satisfying part? The empowering moment? It’s that split second. That instant where you make a decision to say NO to the self-loathing and YES to the self-loving. It’s getting up from your knees to make a stand again. It’s facing… everything. Including yourself. It’s the star of courage you earn, and the scar of gold etched onto your heart that makes it bearable.

YOU, my dear, are special. You probably already know that, maybe you’re sick of hearing it but I am telling you what I think about YOU and i know for a fact that…

YOU ARE SO SPECIAL!

You are one of a kind. No one on this planet can replace you. You have a unique gift for the world that only you can share. You are an explosive miracle!

Don’t believe me? Listen here to Jim Carrey…

So my dear, beautiful, kindred brother or sister, you beautiful soul… I urge you today to make the right choice.

No matter the problem or situation… Choose LOVE!

Share yourself with the Universe. Be that ocean in a drop.

self lveo

 

Choose YOU. Because you are so worth it!

lovemyself

 

______________________________________________________

02/02 UPDATE: Don’t you just love SERENDIPITY? One day after my post, a brilliant article was posted on Elephant Journal. The subject matter was:

5 Truths to Remember when you Feel like you are Not Enough

Also, this amazing photo showed up on my feed:

12650964_10153385915607444_8543648808607041812_n

 

The Universe is conspiring lovely one. Feel it. Breathe it. Use it. Share it.

 

What do You Want?

energy

When we want to achieve something, when we have something that needs to be done, what we’re doing is focusing our energy to accomplish said task.

So my question is:

What do you REALLY want out of this Life?

What are you focusing your energy on?

Does it make your heart sing?

Does it make your soul fly?

Does it make you want to cry out of sheer joy?

Are you living or surviving?

What can you do about it?

If there were no limitations, no “ifs” or “buts” or “maybes…”

No fear.

If failure wasn’t an option… what would you seek out of life?

You want to know what I want?

Are you ready to hear this?

Are you ready to give me what I need?

Because I want You.

I want to see you succeed.

I want to hear your dreams.

I want to help make them come true.

I want to love and be loved.

Without conditions, without boundaries,

Without words, without fears.

I want to abolish currency.

I want to pay for my muffin with love.

I want our hearts to be treated as celebrities,

Rolling out the red carpet whenever you catch a glimpse of it.

I want to have the liberty to not do things just for the money.

I want to live free of fear. In all its forms and masks.

Self-doubt, procrastination, caution, get lost.

I want the mountains closer to me.

I want rivers.

I want trees.

I want kisses that end wars.

I want to share my point of view with whomever is willing to listen.

I want to give you my eyes, so you can finally see how beautiful you really are to me.

I want a family. I want babies.

I want my soulmate to give me another chance.

Just one more.

I want to live forever.

I want to be remembered for who I am.

I want to be an example of vulnerability.

I want to get it all out on paper.

I can’t die with things still inside of me.

I want clarity.

I want yoga.

I want 4 a.m. meditations back.

I want to find my purpose.

I want closeness,

With every human being.

I want to play my part

In this vast Universe.

I want to make the most

Of this body

My soul has chosen to inhabit.

And of this soul,

That my body has awoken to.

I want simplicity.

Optimism.

Lightness.

Beauty.

I want a revolution.

I want to break the mold.

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FeMENists Unite!

Earlier this summer, Emma Watson, was named a U.N. Women Goodwill Ambassador. The Harry Potter actress gave an impassioned speech on feminism and gender at the U.N. headquarters in New York to launch the “HeForShe” campaign which aims to galvanize one billion men and boys as advocates for ending the inequalities that women and girls face globally.

Watson’s speech, which was met with a thunderous standing ovation, not only called for action from male allies, but clarified a persistent misconception about feminism in general.

Gosh. This deserves a standing ovation indeed. Emma is powerful and unwavering. She is firm and decided. She knows what she believes in and what she’s standing on that podium for. You can see it and you can feel it. She standing up there for me. For you. She’s standing up for anyone, she’s standing up for everyone because that’s what Gender Equality is all about. We are equals. Granted we are all unique, we have different talents and specialties, but we should all be given the same right to choose who we want to be and what we want to do.

I have been a victim of gender inequality my entire existence. Everything was a cycle. I was born a girl so my religion and culture already painted the picture of my future for me…I was going to grow up, be taught how to be the perfect wife and get married. In school, I wanted to play football but my mother scolded me and told me only boys play football and that I had to take ballet lessons. As a teenager, I loved walking through the men’s section in H&M but i felt shame for liking and wanting something that wasn’t made for me. I felt as if I was insulting my femininity. Why couldn’t I be more like the person “they” wanted me to be? Of course I laugh about it now but God is life hard when you’re a hormonal teenager trying to figure yourself out and finding firm ground to stand on.

I declared myself a feminist when I decided I no longer wanted to shave my legs to make someone else feel comfortable with them. I declared myself a feminist when I wanted to study and my society didn’t see the point if I was just going to become a housewife and a mother anyways. If I had “feminist” parents, family members, mentors and employers maybe I wouldn’t have suffered so much. I might’ve chosen a different career, I might have never worn pantyhose in my life, I might have never felt inferior or unworthy to a man.

This is an invitation to men.

This is an invitation to all of us…

Let’s support Emma. Let’s support Equality. Let’s support each other. Let’s support HeForShe.

Holding on to Letting Go…

I’ve written a million posts about letting go, I know it’s good for the soul. I promote the harshest removal of everything and anything in life that doesn’t make you happy. It’s a process I’ve been working on personally as well. For me its been a process of destruction and transformation. I’ve had to destroy the things I didn’t want, destroy the person I didn’t want to be in order to end up with the person I am. It’s hard. It’s really hard, I’m not going to lie, I’m not going to sit in this lazy couch and tell you it’s easy. There came a point where I was actively working on letting go of things and I thought I had come a long way, so long that i began to settle for where i was and who I was. I began to start a process of acceptance. It was all roses and cozy until very recently.

I was confronted with my neglect. I had neglected to continue my process of removing the garbage from within. They were still things there and even though I had piled a bunch of goodness on top, there was still crap at the bottom. Sigh.

It’s like climbing a mountain and finding a shortcut that in the end isn’t really a shortcut because it’s full of difficulties, then you get on the other side and you realize you’re not where you’re supposed to be so you have to go back to where you came from and STILL climb the mountain on top of that.. Double Sigh.

But that’s life, no? It’s all about the struggle I’ve learned. It’s what makes us or breaks us. We’ve all heard the Butterfly story I’m sure. We each have our cocoon or mountain or hurricane or storm to go through.

storm

In class today (Life has granted me the amazing opportunity to attend a awesome Spiritual University… but that deserves its own post so we’re going to put a temporary pin on it), we did an exercise of writing what we want to let go of on paper and in the end we would literally set it on fire!

letting go...

I can’t explain the feeling of watching it burn. You might think rituals are ridiculous but this one was healing. As I saw that paper filled with all the things that still haunt me, I felt my inner fire burning. I was letting go again. I was purifying, cleansing myself. I felt lighter. I am now committed to letting go, it’s a constant process because we are always accumulating things. I advise you to do the exercise if you can, if you can’t then just write them down, take the power out of them. Let Go!

To conclude, I’ve written a poem that pretty much sums up the whole experience for me. I’m glad to share it with you in the hopes it might inspire you:

Today I was given a lifetime opportunity.

I was asked to let go

Of all the things I don’t want,

I don’t need.

To write them on paper at least.

To throw them in the crucible

To burn them…

From within.

It’s hard to come to terms

With the things you hold on to

That no longer serve you.

Where to start?

My fears,

My doubts,

My insecurities.

My constant need for acceptance and approval,

Associating my worth to my body,

Feeling like I don’t fit the standard definition of “pretty”,

My mistakes, my flaws, my faults

My guilt,

My expectations.

“Let them go” a little voice whispered to me.

Let them go and live from your soul.

Allow yourself to be.

That beautiful, wonderful being that you are

That perfection in you

Because that’s what you are.

You are perfect.

You’re the reason

the definition of the word perfect even exists,

because there is nothing perfect in this world

yet we know what it is.

Listen to your heart.

Let it go…

Everything you think you are,

Everything you think you know,

And just breathe.

Just be.

Because in that being,

Dwells a divine masterpiece.

Have an awesome day 🙂

I Dare You… to be YOU!

 

 find the others

I fell in love with this little comic. You have no ideas how many times I was that girl in the elevator wondering if I was the only one!

I had all this “stuff” inside me that I wanted to share, that I wanted someone to see but I just couldn’t get it across using conventional methods of conversation.

You know what I do now? I go all out.

From the first time I meet you, I’m going to say something “out of the box”.

I met a girl at a spoken word poetry event last week, the mere fact that we were both there already said a lot to me. It said we had a similar interest. So I went up to her and introduced myself. Then I said:

“Listen, I know we don’t know each other but you seem like an amazing person. And because you’re you, that makes you unique. I’m pretty awesome too. So how about we keep in touch?”

“Sure!” she said after flashing me a smile. We exchanged contact details and I’ve made a new friend.

I truly believe that the people we meet are the people that are meant to come into our lives. There are no mistakes or coincidences. She might’ve been someone that I passed by every morning without knowing it. Because after I met her, I spotted her a few times after. Isn’t is beautiful when that happens?

Let yourself be silently drawn by the strangest pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray. -Rumi.

 

Find out who YOU are. Not the person that others want you to be. Find out your Truth!

Then, give in and let go. Watch your Universe expand and explode!

 

Video

Do you have the Courage to Create your Life?

But if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos’ nothing I have is truly mine

When it comes to your life. When it comes to the important decisions that you make on a daily basis…are you a doer or a thinker? Are you a participant or an observer? Are you being active or reactive?

Who is making the BIG decisions in your life?
Who is shaping your life?

Are you following your heart, your dreams and your goals?

Or are you giving in to fear?

Giving into other people’s expectations of you?

Can you truly say that you’re in total control of your life right now?

If the answer is No, then you’re wrong.

Because no matter what you think, the reality is that you are always in control of your life.

You are the captain.
You are the pilot.
You are the boss!

If you’re not living a fulfilling life it’s no one else’s fault but your own.

You’re choosing to sacrifice things, you’re choosing to compromise for others. It’s your decision.

It’s no secret that we love to pass fault around as if it were free candy.

But how does it help us to blame others? Sure, the Ego feels better. But how does that help? We’re just feeding it. It loves excuses. Does it make us happier?

It’s time to STOP making excuses & Take Control.

How? Here are 3 easy steps:

Step 1: Admit that you are holding yourself back.

Admit that you’re afraid. Admit that you’re to blame. Admit to yourself that you are powerful beyond measure and that the ability to completely transform your life lies in your hands and your hands only.

Step 2: Commit to taking a step forward towards the path that you would like to be on.

It could be a baby step but it has to be an action, a change, something that you can feel.
You have to feel that change happening in your life.
You can write it down. It could be starting to exercise from tomorrow for example, hell why not today. It could be to change your eating habits, to be more honest, to volunteer some more, to wake up earlier, to be braver, to do a random act of kindness today. Whatever it is, set a goal for yourself. A real goal that you can accomplish within a certain amount of time.
For example: My goal is to reach PRIME Health. Right now, that means to lose 20 lbs in 90 days. To exercise more. To wake up earlier and be more active.
My other goal is to blog more often, write a poem or a song a day, to always, always, always spread love and kindness to every human being I encounter. Those are just a few.
In order to achieve this, I’ve enrolled in a program. So you see? That’s me being proactive with my life.

Step 3: Don’t give up when the going gets tough.

Because it will… It always does. If there’s one thing we can depend on life to do is to give us a hard time. But it does that because it loves us so much. How else can we grow?

How many of you have tried something new and quit halfway through?

The reality is: You’re just not going to get there if you give up. No matter what happens, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how many mistakes you make, it’s not over until you call it. It’s only over when you stop trying. And we seem to do that too easily nowadays.

So my advice? Don’t get comfortable. Trust me, I know how easy it is. How good it feels. But you’re honestly missing out! There’s so much out there waiting to come to you… you just have to let it in.

Do you give as much energy to your dreams as you do to your fears? – Unknown

Here’s some visual motivation to help you.

Anything you can dream of, anything you’ve ever wanted in life or out of life could be yours. You can make all your dreams come true. You just have to believe it…

I believe it. I’ve made plenty of my own dreams come true. And I know for a fact that you can too!