I suffer from F.O.B.S {& more confessions…}

I’ve procrastinated for over 2 weeks deliberating whether or not to write this article. Alas, here I am.

This is going to be a tad different from other posts. I’m going to get more personal and intimate with you. More open, more honest.

Am I a positive person? Hell yes.

Am I spiritual? I am constantly practicing spirituality.

Am I kind? The older I get, the kinder I get.

Am I good? As good as I want to be on a good day.

Am I perfect? No freaking way.

I am human after all.

Could I be better? Yes.

Could I be happier? Indeed.

Could I be more stable in my emotions? Absolutely!

Could I achieve great things? Yes. Yes. Yes.

What’s stopping me?

That is what we’re going to talk about today…

You see, I think that ever since childhood I’ve suffered from this particular syndrome.

I call it the F.O.B.S, i.e:

THE FEAR OF BEING SEEN

 

Just by hearing this, you can probably relate. Maybe it made you smile or shy away. Either way, I know I’m not alone in this.

The Fear of Being Seen Syndrome has plagued me my whole life.

Imagine that you are the sole owner of the biggest, brightest, clearest and finest diamond in the entire world. What do you do? Wear it around your neck everywhere you go? Or keep it somewhere hidden where you know it will be safe?

Now imagine, that diamond… is you. You are this beautiful, one of a kind gem. You’re priceless. So what do you do? Do you put yourself out there, lay your truth bare, stand naked in Times Square to show off your radiance? No… you hide it. You keep it safe. You protect it. Or at least that’s what you tell yourself…

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All these years, it’s what I told myself. I was SO AFRAID of being seen. Of someone discovering the REAL me. Of being recognized for who I really am. Of being noticed for my kindness, my thoughts, my words, my deeds, and most importantly…. My heart.

Yet, at the same time, I was DYING for someone to see beyond what I would show. Like some magic stare from some magical person could break through all the falsities and just see… me. If it happened like that, I would know that I was safe.

Ultimately, it was a fear of being hurt, rejected, judged, criticized, also a fear or raising the bar of expectations (for others and myself), a fear of not being able to go backwards, a fear of not recognizing myself, of losing the relationship I had with me. A fear of being inadequate, of not feeling like enough….. Basically, the entire dictionary of fears!

No matter what I did, I couldn’t shake these fears off my shoulders. I collected all my insecurities like jewelry and decorated myself with them.

For years I felt heavy. Unaware of the invisible weight I was carrying around with me. (not to mention the additional physical weight of top of that!)

It took me YEARS and I mean that literally to gain some perspective, some self-love and self-respect.

To love myself, want myself and choose myself the way I wanted others to.

It took me decades to value and appreciate my strengths, my talents, my gifts, my AWESOMENESS!

Like I am a GREAT listener (seriously, ask anybody), If you’re my friend you know you can always count on me, I’m a giving lover, I’m a challenging daughter (in a  good way hahaha, I love you Ma & Pa), I’m a grateful traveler, a pretty rad teacher. However, there are things I want to try that push me outside of that attractive comfort zone so I keep procrastinating because secretly I am terrified of trying new things (yup). For example, my friends tell me I have a really nice voice and I’ve got a knack for storytelling. I actually love to tell stories. However, making videos or starting a podcast intimidates me. (plus im not as technologically savvy as I seem…. You see what happened right there? Another limiting belief… * mental delete*)

These are things that I push through, little by little, piece by piece, day by day, until the puzzle is complete.

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I KNOW I have so much more to offer, to give away, to learn, to see, to be. Sometimes during my meditations I feel this power surge through me, begging me to be released. How? Where? Into what? These are the current questions that plague me.

How do I reach a state of full expression? Without limitations or restrictions?

How do I let myself show, completely, unapologetically, openly, strongly, and wholeheartedly?

How do I let go of my fear of being more that what I thought I was capable of?

How do I fall into all this gorgeous glory?

Gosh, does it really belong to me?

YES!!!! Because IT IS ME!

So, I guess, my advice to you after all these years of searching and hurting and growing and breaking and learning is the following:

Life is a story and you are the main character. You can choose to be the hero, the villain or the victim.

But ultimately, it’s your choice. You can hold so many titles. Play so many characters. Just choose the one that fits you best.

Every day I choose to be the hero. The warrior. The kindness agent. The dream maker. The philosopher. The gardener. The healer. The photographer. The artist. The musician. The nomad. The label breaker. The seamstress. The butterfly. The leaf. The sun rays. The treasure. The diamond. The student. The guest. The star. The instrument. The raindrop. The feather. The cloud. The ocean. The rock. The scientist. The lotus. The dragon. The swan. The passenger. The key. The pearl. The projector. The blank page. The entire damn Saga.

You are a soul. You are Concentrated Energy. Know this. Know the light that you hold. The power within.

Know your worth. Discover you’re limitless. Admire yourself.

You are everything you have ever searched for

You are Love

You are Peace

You are Happiness

You are Truth

You are Beauty

You are Bliss

Know this

Feel this

Be this

And allow yourself to shine through

All the fears and BS around you

Just…

Be.

Dear Reader,

I beg of you…

Remember your divinity.

 

{this article was mad scary to write so please be gentle with your comments. My big, open, heart would appreciate it. Thanks}

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Happy 2016!

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I started my jar this morning. I call it the “Gratitude and Wishes Jar”

I plan to write down one thing a day that I’m grateful for and all my hopes and dreams for this year.

This morning I realized… I have so much to be grateful for.

I have my health, my sanity, my family, my friends, my job which I love, a roof over my head, food in the fridge. I have a lot of qualities I don’t give myself enough credit for but I also have a bunch of beautiful people who are there to remind me.  I have a lot! What more could I ask for? To be truthful, nothing. I want nothing more than to continue on this journey called life. To continue to walk with myself, to learn more, to grow more, to see more, to experience more, to love more, to breathe more. Another year of more of all this that I’ve been living.

For some reason, I have this notion that my life has been radically transformed during the past few years. As if the sum of my life experiences has somehow altered me on a genetic or biological level.

I find myself to be more kind, more loving, more generous, more intuitive, more patient, more graceful, more benevolent, more decisive, more confident, more honest, more trusting, more flexible, more peaceful, more joyous, more beautiful, more EVERYTHING than I’ve ever been in my life….

 

I posted this on Facebook today:

Some of you might not know this, but once upon a time I was a very shy person. I was afraid of sharing my thoughts and feelings with the world because I feared they could be rejected. I feared I could be rejected.. and in some way, by thinking that way I created that reality for myself. I was an outcast for a big part of my life. Today, not sharing my heart with others feels like drowning. Not letting them know how much I love them every second of every day is not an option. (some people are actually sick of it already haha) but I am so grateful for my bold, beating heart that feels so damn much for so many people. I am so grateful for this year because this is the year that I learned about courage, authenticity, loss, discovery, connection, transformation, detachment, freedom and most of all.. Love. To my friends and family, you beautiful people… thank you for being with me (near or far).. teaching me, pushing me, encouraging me, scolding me… loving me. Thank you so damn much 2015. I wish you all a 2016 full of love, love, love, some peace and joy too, and most of all… I look forward to the memories and experiences I hope to share with you. Happy New Year!

 

The response was somewhat overwhelming. I received messages from people I haven’t spoken to in years telling me how amazing and awesome I am, my primary school teacher even wrote to me saying she knew that shy side, but that I’ve always had a big and kind heart.

 

So maybe… I’ve always been this way? Maybe I’m now realizing it. Maybe this is what we call “Awakening”. Who knows? 🙂

They are a lot of things I’m not sure of. In fact, there are very few things I believe with 100% certainty. Full conviction. It is these 3 things:

 

  1. I am a being of Love

 

loveHuman beings have an immeasurable capacity for compassion, for kindness, for gratitude, for love! Love knows no boundaries, no barriers, no race, no gender, no color… when love comes knocking, open the door!

 

  1. The stars, the trees, the leaves, the breeze, the sea, everything without is within me. I am connected to an Eternal Source of Unlimited Energy

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  1. I am here in this life to be happy. To experience love and beauty and truth and peace. In order to step into my own authenticity, in order to be me and claim my beautiful life, I need courage.

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  1. There is a flow to the entire Universe. There is order in the Chaos.

 

This is a post I wrote Jan 1, 2015:

Oh my god, is it really over? 2014, you were amazing on so many levels. You were a roller coaster ride the whole time and I’d like to emphasize that I survived. Thank you for pushing me past my limits, for testing new waters, for challenging… well pretty much everything. Thank you for bringing change, both temporary and permanent. Thank you for bringing opportunity. For bringing wisdom, joy, creativity, love and friendship. Thank you for reminding me of the value of family. I’m glad we do that every year. Thank you for my family of friends. Thank you for the books, the movies, the moments, the intimate conversations, the aleatory souls, the random chance encounters, the late nights, the early mornings, the sunsets, the meditations, the silence, those infinite moments where I took a deep breathe. Thank you for courage, for patience, for freedom, for truth. For everything, thank you. Sending my love to all my family and friends, may 2015 be a time of intense joy, fulfillment and togetherness. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

 

As you can see, there is some conducive string attaching 2014 to 2015 and I hope to 2016. I believe it is because I am aligned with my Truth more and more in time and therefore the path that I’m on automatically winds to fit where I am. I believe life is a beautiful and intrinsic dance and we all just need to let loose, take off our shoes and shake the hell out of it!

 

I wish every single one of you kindred spirits from the bottom of my heart a very wonderful and beautiful 2016. Full of LOVE! Peace, Happiness, Beauty, Growth, Transformation, Discovery, Re-Discovery, Encounters, Magic, Flores, Laughter, Eye gazing, hugs and absolute Bliss!

Thank you for being in my life. You are part of my journey, my existence, my growth, my transformation. This year, I hope to do the same for you.

With immense gratitude and love,

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Dolly

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Brave!

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Ever been bullied? Ever wanted to say something back? Ever wanted to stand up for someone else? Ever hurt someone with your words? Your actions? Your silence?

I was like that. I was shy and scared. I always kept my opinions to myself. Wrote everything in a diary.
Now I realize how selfish that was.
Yes! It’s selfish!

You have no idea how much of an impact you can make in this vast world.
I’ve been humbled to the ground when friends of mine thank me for my words. words of encouragement, of advice, of solace, of humor and even honesty.

We have this notion that only a certain kind of person is capable of being brave. NO! get rid of that idea right now.

You are Brave.

You just have to decide to do it. To be it. And you become it.

Your words are powerful. You have no idea how much someone could need to hear them from you today. So be brave, if not for you then for someone else.

And share your inner voice.

Show the world how big your Brave is!

P.S: If you don’t know how, feel free to take some pointers from Merida!

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It’s Time.

It’s time to begin, isn’t it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I’ll admit
I’m just the same as I was
Now don’t you understand
That I’m never changing who I am

 

As human beings, we are genetically engineered to mess up. We were perfectly designed to be flawed. If we aren’t making mistakes and learning from them in some way we’re doing something wrong!

We shouldn’t be aiming to be “perfect”. What the hell is perfect?

We should be aiming for better.

Be better than who you were yesterday.

Until you become the best version of yourself that you know you can be.

You’re awesome just the way you are, with all your flaws, your imperfections, your fumbles, your falls, your lies, your secrets, your shortcomings. You, my fellow human being, you are beautiful.

 

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Oh, the Places You’ll Go!

You’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So get on your way!

 

This is a beautiful and creative recital and you can feel the love emanating from it with every spoken word.

I love Dr. Seuss! I remember being 20 years old at Universal Studios in Orlando, FL and all I wanted to do was ride The Cat in the Hat ride.

My childhood is a blurry memory but I have the fondest flashbacks when I see anything Dr. Seuss related. I think they were the first books that introduced me to rhymes.

I fell in love with the way that you could mix words together to make it sound like a song of sorts. I loved letting my imagination run wild and trying to create stories with rhymes. That’s a habit I haven’t lost.

Sometimes we need to take a deep breath and think back on our childhood. Remember the ease in which happiness came to us. And let it come to us again.

Curious about Burning Man? Click here.

 

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Who needs your Love?

I need your love
I need your time
When everything’s wrong
You make it right
I feel so high
I come alive
I need to be free with you tonight
I need your love

I have dedicated this song to myself.

While this song is about being a relationship, I look at it from being in a relationship with YOURSELF.

I find we spend so much of our time, our energy, our thoughts, our feelings, our everything on others. Our family, our friends and our partners, we even stretch ourselves for complete strangers. And I think that’s awesome. I really do. But what about you? Who is loving you? Are you? How often have you neglected yourself for someone else?

There’s the old saying that you can’t love anyone until you learn to love yourself. I think by practicing Self-Love daily, you are more in tune with your core feelings, your true self, your natural spirit and therefore you connect easier with the right people, the right opportunities seem to find you because you are aligned with the Universe.

Loving yourself is an active task. Everyday we must wake and and be conscious that today is another day. No matter how much you loved or neglected yourself yesterday, it starts over today. You can make a change. No one is more deserving of your love than you. Not a soul. You need your love, you need your time. So do yourself a favor and give yourself the gift of YOU!

Compliment yourself, recognize a talent you have, give yourself a pat on the back for facing a challenge, a fear, trying something new. Acknowledge everything about yourself and just fall into a deep love with it.

I think one great tip is that you should always love yourself. If you don’t love yourself, take care of yourself, cater to yourself and that little inner voice, you will really not be very worthy of being with someone else, because you won’t be the best version of you.
Kimora Lee Simmons 

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You are More.

 …And that you realize your size in relation to this one universal declaration: I desire.

You are the space and the fullness.

The core and the more.

Ever expanding.

Desire.

–Danielle Laporte

You are more… You are infinitely more. You are everything. You are energy. You are life. You are passion. You are love. You are desire. 

We tend to associate desire with lust, with ego. We think it’s wrong for us to feel it, don’t we? I know I’ve felt guilty more than once for desiring something.

When I was younger, my heart ached to be independent. I wanted to be left to my own devices and I was so confident in myself to land on my feet. Last year, I finally achieved one of my lifelong dreams of living alone in a foreign country. I spent 12 beautiful, crazy, colorful, loud, gutsy, inspiring, educational, heart wrenching and fulfilling months in Buenos Aires, Argentina working as an English Teacher.

It wasn’t easy and I most certainly didn’t always land on my feet. And I fell… a lot. The first month was the hardest. I missed everything about home, even the things I hated when I was there. The heat, the sweat, the small city life, not having much to do, I missed that. I missed the people. Warm, friendly people we are. The city was so big I felt like it would swallow me. My second month, I moved out of the Hostel I was living in and into an apartment. My third month, I dedicated to exploring the city. My fourth month, I met the love of my life. My fifth month in, I couldn’t pay rent so I got kicked out of my apartment and begged a friend to sleep on her couch. Six months in, I was struggling to make ends meet.

What I know now that I didn’t know then was that there was an undercurrent pulling me towards my dreams. I had gone there for a reason. There was something I wanted to achieve and no matter what happened, no matter how much I had to bust my @$$ it always felt like it was worth it. That energy was desire.

I had a burning desire to become my own person, and I still do. It’s what lights my fire. It ignites my soul. So do not be afraid of desire. Learn to channel it in the right way. If we are attracted to something, it is for a reason. That is the fundamental Law of Attraction.

I stumbled upon Danielle Laporte by chance in 2011 and it’s been a passionate love affair ever since. She is someone who will have you questioning what you think you know and feel

You can read more awesome stuff by Danielle at : http://www.daniellelaporte.com/

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I feel so close to YOU right now!

I feel so close to you right now
It’s a force field
I wear my heart upon my sleeve, like a big deal
Your love pours down on me, surrounds me like a waterfall
And there’s no stopping us right now
I feel so close to you right now

Dear Readers,

I am so excited! I have just reached 50+ followers! Some might think that this number seems small in the grand scale of things but to me, this is the grand scheme of things. 

I want to share with you why I started this blog. I had learned something a few years ago and that something was that no matter what you’re going through, you are not alone. You are NEVER alone. There is always going to be someone, somewhere out there that knows and feels exactly what you’re going through.  To me, learning that was comforting in a way I can’t quite explain. So I thought to myself…. If there’s someone out there that is currently feeling my pain, my sorrow, my despair, my confusion, making my mistakes then  that means that there’s also someone out there sharing my joy, my happiness, my passion, my awe, someone that was on the path of exploration and discovery, someone with my music tastes, someone just like me. So I started this blog to connect with… someone, anyone, everyone. My goal was if I was able to make one person smile, question their reality, believe in themselves that I could die happy.

All of us have something in common, not only are we online at the same time and use the same site to host our blogs but we are… seekers, lovers, thinkers and dreamers. I just want to say thank you for recognizing the piece of me that isn’t so different from a piece of you. I’m looking forward to us all growing together.

Much Love!

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Appreciate Natural Beauty!

Appreciate Natural Beauty!

This is a picture of the beautiful island of Barbados that I was born in and where I currently live. I just wanted to share it to remind you to love where you’re from. No matter where that is or what that looks like. I’m lucky on so many levels and i know it. Can you believe they’re people that live here and pass by the beach everyday like it was a dirt road?

This reminds me of a beautiful poem that I want to share with you:

“…You watch the sunset too often it just becomes 6 p.m, you make the same mistake over and over you’ll stop calling it a mistake, if you just wake up, wake up, wake up one day you’ll forget why…”

So wherever you are, just look outside and find something to appreciate. It can be a big mountain piercing through the skies or tiny rose taking its sweet time to bloom.
Appreciate the beauty around you in its true form. By doing this, you are also appreciating the beauty that lives within you.

I Am Me

I’m me, I’m me, and that’s all I can be
I’m me, I’m me, here’s my vulnerability
I’m free and you can’t stop me
I’m free and that’s all I can be
Your validation is just not that important to me
Express myself, ’cause it’s my liberty
You’re you, I’m me, let’s live in harmony
Coexist with each other, love each other
Be yourself, you have to be yourself
Be real, be honest

I just love the energy in this song. In case you guys didn’t know, Willow Smith is 12 years old. That’s right. She’s half my age and she’s got it figured out. We don’t need the validation of others. We don’t need to be doing what everyone else is doing. Each of us is unique. Each of us is perfect. We need to remind ourselves of that fact. All you must strive to do… is be true to you.