I suffer from F.O.B.S {& more confessions…}

I’ve procrastinated for over 2 weeks deliberating whether or not to write this article. Alas, here I am.

This is going to be a tad different from other posts. I’m going to get more personal and intimate with you. More open, more honest.

Am I a positive person? Hell yes.

Am I spiritual? I am constantly practicing spirituality.

Am I kind? The older I get, the kinder I get.

Am I good? As good as I want to be on a good day.

Am I perfect? No freaking way.

I am human after all.

Could I be better? Yes.

Could I be happier? Indeed.

Could I be more stable in my emotions? Absolutely!

Could I achieve great things? Yes. Yes. Yes.

What’s stopping me?

That is what we’re going to talk about today…

You see, I think that ever since childhood I’ve suffered from this particular syndrome.

I call it the F.O.B.S, i.e:

THE FEAR OF BEING SEEN

 

Just by hearing this, you can probably relate. Maybe it made you smile or shy away. Either way, I know I’m not alone in this.

The Fear of Being Seen Syndrome has plagued me my whole life.

Imagine that you are the sole owner of the biggest, brightest, clearest and finest diamond in the entire world. What do you do? Wear it around your neck everywhere you go? Or keep it somewhere hidden where you know it will be safe?

Now imagine, that diamond… is you. You are this beautiful, one of a kind gem. You’re priceless. So what do you do? Do you put yourself out there, lay your truth bare, stand naked in Times Square to show off your radiance? No… you hide it. You keep it safe. You protect it. Or at least that’s what you tell yourself…

our-deepest-fear-is-not-that-we-are-inadequate-our-deepest-fear-is-that-we-are-powerful-beyond-measure

All these years, it’s what I told myself. I was SO AFRAID of being seen. Of someone discovering the REAL me. Of being recognized for who I really am. Of being noticed for my kindness, my thoughts, my words, my deeds, and most importantly…. My heart.

Yet, at the same time, I was DYING for someone to see beyond what I would show. Like some magic stare from some magical person could break through all the falsities and just see… me. If it happened like that, I would know that I was safe.

Ultimately, it was a fear of being hurt, rejected, judged, criticized, also a fear or raising the bar of expectations (for others and myself), a fear of not being able to go backwards, a fear of not recognizing myself, of losing the relationship I had with me. A fear of being inadequate, of not feeling like enough….. Basically, the entire dictionary of fears!

No matter what I did, I couldn’t shake these fears off my shoulders. I collected all my insecurities like jewelry and decorated myself with them.

For years I felt heavy. Unaware of the invisible weight I was carrying around with me. (not to mention the additional physical weight of top of that!)

It took me YEARS and I mean that literally to gain some perspective, some self-love and self-respect.

To love myself, want myself and choose myself the way I wanted others to.

It took me decades to value and appreciate my strengths, my talents, my gifts, my AWESOMENESS!

Like I am a GREAT listener (seriously, ask anybody), If you’re my friend you know you can always count on me, I’m a giving lover, I’m a challenging daughter (in a  good way hahaha, I love you Ma & Pa), I’m a grateful traveler, a pretty rad teacher. However, there are things I want to try that push me outside of that attractive comfort zone so I keep procrastinating because secretly I am terrified of trying new things (yup). For example, my friends tell me I have a really nice voice and I’ve got a knack for storytelling. I actually love to tell stories. However, making videos or starting a podcast intimidates me. (plus im not as technologically savvy as I seem…. You see what happened right there? Another limiting belief… * mental delete*)

These are things that I push through, little by little, piece by piece, day by day, until the puzzle is complete.

fabulous

I KNOW I have so much more to offer, to give away, to learn, to see, to be. Sometimes during my meditations I feel this power surge through me, begging me to be released. How? Where? Into what? These are the current questions that plague me.

How do I reach a state of full expression? Without limitations or restrictions?

How do I let myself show, completely, unapologetically, openly, strongly, and wholeheartedly?

How do I let go of my fear of being more that what I thought I was capable of?

How do I fall into all this gorgeous glory?

Gosh, does it really belong to me?

YES!!!! Because IT IS ME!

So, I guess, my advice to you after all these years of searching and hurting and growing and breaking and learning is the following:

Life is a story and you are the main character. You can choose to be the hero, the villain or the victim.

But ultimately, it’s your choice. You can hold so many titles. Play so many characters. Just choose the one that fits you best.

Every day I choose to be the hero. The warrior. The kindness agent. The dream maker. The philosopher. The gardener. The healer. The photographer. The artist. The musician. The nomad. The label breaker. The seamstress. The butterfly. The leaf. The sun rays. The treasure. The diamond. The student. The guest. The star. The instrument. The raindrop. The feather. The cloud. The ocean. The rock. The scientist. The lotus. The dragon. The swan. The passenger. The key. The pearl. The projector. The blank page. The entire damn Saga.

You are a soul. You are Concentrated Energy. Know this. Know the light that you hold. The power within.

Know your worth. Discover you’re limitless. Admire yourself.

You are everything you have ever searched for

You are Love

You are Peace

You are Happiness

You are Truth

You are Beauty

You are Bliss

Know this

Feel this

Be this

And allow yourself to shine through

All the fears and BS around you

Just…

Be.

Dear Reader,

I beg of you…

Remember your divinity.

 

{this article was mad scary to write so please be gentle with your comments. My big, open, heart would appreciate it. Thanks}

,

I’ll Never be enough…

Have you EVER said this to yourself?

I’ll never be…

good enough

smart enough

pretty enough

thin enough

just… not enough.

I wish I could say I don’t have these thoughts about myself anymore, but every now and then they pop up to remind me of the limiting beliefs I used to hold as true.

Now I know just a little better…

Now I know that no matter what or when, I am ALWAYS enough.

It’s not even something I need to be, it is something I am inherently.

It’s my fears, my self-doubts, my poor self-esteem that keep me from seeing me for all that I am and for appreciating myself just as I am.

 

Doesn’t it hurt?

When you’re unkind to yourself?

Don’t you start to feel even worse?

Negative attracts negative. It’s a downward spiral from there. I know this feeling. I’ve seen myself fall down the ladder so many times. Gosh.

But you want to know the beautiful part? The really satisfying part? The empowering moment? It’s that split second. That instant where you make a decision to say NO to the self-loathing and YES to the self-loving. It’s getting up from your knees to make a stand again. It’s facing… everything. Including yourself. It’s the star of courage you earn, and the scar of gold etched onto your heart that makes it bearable.

YOU, my dear, are special. You probably already know that, maybe you’re sick of hearing it but I am telling you what I think about YOU and i know for a fact that…

YOU ARE SO SPECIAL!

You are one of a kind. No one on this planet can replace you. You have a unique gift for the world that only you can share. You are an explosive miracle!

Don’t believe me? Listen here to Jim Carrey…

So my dear, beautiful, kindred brother or sister, you beautiful soul… I urge you today to make the right choice.

No matter the problem or situation… Choose LOVE!

Share yourself with the Universe. Be that ocean in a drop.

self lveo

 

Choose YOU. Because you are so worth it!

lovemyself

 

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02/02 UPDATE: Don’t you just love SERENDIPITY? One day after my post, a brilliant article was posted on Elephant Journal. The subject matter was:

5 Truths to Remember when you Feel like you are Not Enough

Also, this amazing photo showed up on my feed:

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The Universe is conspiring lovely one. Feel it. Breathe it. Use it. Share it.

 

The Human Nature of Connection

Every choice we make
And every road we take
Every interaction
Starts a chain reaction
We’re both affected
When we least expect it
And then when we touched
And it all connected
And then when we…

It’s embedded in us. I’d almost say it’s a part of our DNA, Connection is a basic human need. Connection, intimacy, belonging, being understood. If it’s so basic, so instinctive, so necessary… then why is it so rare?

We live in world surrounded by over 7 BILLION people. 7 Billion! How many do you know? Forget about how many you know, how many people around you can you say you have a close and meaningful relationship with? Usually this interaction is limited to our family and friends.

We like the idea of wearing our hearts on our sleeves, of being open and vulnerable to every possibility but in our moments of honesty, how much of ourselves do we really put out there? And how much are we expecting to receive?

I recently read a post by a stranger on the Humans of New York page, which said:

“Sometimes it feels like I’m not a part of anything. There are so many people here, you’d think that I’d be able to make friends with one of them. But it always seems like everyone has got their own thing going on, or their own group of friends that they hang out with. Most weekends I just take a long walk, or go to a restaurant by myself. I’ve done some neat things alone, and I’m glad that I did those things, but I’m really getting to the point where I’d also like to experience things with other people. Everybody tells me: ‘You should do this,’ or ‘You should do that.’ But nobody says ‘Let’s do this,’ or ‘Let’s do that.'”

This hit home. Now I don’t know this woman, but somehow she doesn’t feel like a stranger anymore. That’s because no one ever is. We are all just friends waiting to be reunited. At least that’s my Utopian mentality.

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”
— Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

I’ve said this before but they are people out there that we don’t know that we might have more in common with than our closest family members or friends. Someone going through the same process as us, thinking the same things, feeling the same things in different contexts.

This is the true nature of life, of humanity. This is the underbelly of society; in truth, we are invisibly connected by our thoughts and our emotions; by our energies.

Now, in my personal situation. I just moved to a new city and the buses and the subways are crowded, there’s people everywhere I look, but no one talks to anyone. I’ve joined organizations and groups linked with my interests and even these amazing people I’ve met only relate to me through that social circle.

There’s a sense of loneliness creeping into me. And i find it funny because deep down I know that I am not lonely. I am alone, yes but not lonely. I am everything I need, all that I seek. But I am also a creature of connection. I crave meaningful relationships with other human beings. It’s how I learn, how I grow. And i’m devoid of them.

“I enjoy controlled loneliness. I like wandering around the city alone. I’m not afraid of coming back to an empty flat and lying down in an empty bed. I’m afraid of having no one to miss, of having no one to love.” —Kuba Wojewódzki

I’m just looking for someone who would want to kidnap me at 2 a.m. to have an honest and full length conversation about life, about human beings, about stars, about where we are and how we feel, about dreams, to laugh, to cry, to share. Am I asking too much?

I don’t want to be one of those people. I don’t want to be like everyone else. I want to be the kind of person that breaks the silence. That tears down invisible walls. I’d want to be the person that says “Let’s do this”. I want to be the one to Find the Others. But sometimes I fall short.

I realized there’s nothing much that I need to do. I just need to be. Inevitably, we attract what we seek. Things come when they’re ready. When it’s meant to be. So the virtue of patience is all we really need and the courage to live authentically. To be you. To be me. The real you.

I have many friends and family, people I know on such a deep and personal level. Our connections are transcendental, not limited to physical space or time. They all live very far away from me. I’m always travelling and the fog of daily routine fills up our lives. Sometimes we don’t speak for weeks, months, even years. But when we do, it is a treasure.

They are people so close to us that mean so much to us, but do they know it? One thing that I am currently working on is cultivating my already existing relationships. Not because I take them for granted but because I can give & get so much more from them if I put in a little extra effort. And you know the people that are worth the effort.

Are you feeling lonely? Is there anyone in your life worth making an effort for? If so, are you making it? If so, how can you improve on it?

Maybe it’s just me but I’m pretty sure i’m not the only person on Earth to ever feel lonely. In those moments of loneliness, I remember the one relationship I will always have. The one with me. I implore you to get to know yourself. To seek the joy of your own company. The more you discover who you are the better you will relate to others and the easier you will attract things more aligned with your true self. 

PS! –

If you want to learn how to be alone without feeling lonely, click here (you won’t regret it)

Namaste.