Showing off my Brave

 


This is different. Something I’ve never done before. This writing group is taking over my whole life! In a good way though 🙂

I am sharing with you a recent video that I made. Everything else in explained in it. Enjoy!

A Wake for my Weaknesses

 

“I would rather die a meaningful death than to live a meaningless life.”
Corazon Aquino
I am always first to admit when I make a mistake. I have no pride holding me back from recognizing that I am flawed. After all, I am human. But I am also divine. And I am now learning how to live from this divine nature within me…
For me this hasn’t been easy since I am someone prone to playing the victim role. There is always something or someone else to blame for what is happening to me…
I come from a line of toxic family beliefs: “money is the best indicator of success, vulnerability is a sign of weakness, honesty is cowardice, love is meaningless, time for leisure is laziness, etc etc”
For a long time, all I remember is how much I criticized myself for not meeting these standards. How well I put myself down, oh boy, I should’ve won some kind of prize. I didn’t appreciate any of my qualities. I always focused on what I didn’t have or what I was missing or what I had in excess.
It wasn’t until I discovered meditation that my old story and belief patterns were able to melt away and I could fall into the truth of who I am.
How you perceive yourself creates the filter, the lens through which you see everything… your entire world. How you see others is a reflection of how you see yourself. So if you see yourself as unworthy, you are going to seek worthiness in places and people…. and that just isn’t healthy. Trust me, I know.
But when we see ourselves as beings of energy, of love, of peace, beauty and bliss…. we allow ourselves to shine and we give permission to the other person to do so as well.
I now follow a specific spiritual path. Practicing Raja Yoga meditation, dedicating myself to serving others, having a focus of self-study and personal growth in order to be an example through my dharna. Being a part of a spiritual family and transcending the human form to become who we once were: Shaktis. This practice is my life and this is where the inspiration for my article comes from.

This path brings you face to face with the best and the worst in you. Your old story comes up and claws into you trying to hold on for dear life. This old story contains all our weakness and vices. All our sins and crimes.

It is not enough to just recognize them. The objective is to leave them behind. To destroy that which no longer serves you so you can make room for the light. To say it’s an emotional roller-coaster is an understatement. Fear  will appear like a knight in shining armor convinced that is has come to save you!
What I’ve found is that we can’t focus on our weaknesses, but rather our strengths. The stronger we are, the stronger the opposition. In order to stop identifying ourselves with our weaknesses we need to start to identify with our strengths, our innate qualities, our virtues, our powers. The more we connect with the wholeness that we are, the more we close the door to our faults. 
I have recently buried three very important weaknesses in my life. Each one of us knows who our monsters are and what they look like. These are mine. Thank you all for coming to their funeral:

My doubts


You are like this grey cloud in my head. Literally inside. And not only do you rain down on me, you constantly pass judgment! You are the birthplace of my confusion, my insecurity and my lack of decision-making.

You are the reason I always second guess myself. Why I don’t have trust or faith.

Where did you come from? Sometimes you feel like a lost boy. I wish I could get you home.

Sometimes you disguise yourself as intelligence (rational or emotional). But the truth is that I always see through you. I know you but I let you take over anyway. You always make it seem like I have more to lose than to gain. But I have clarity now, I have love and I have light. I have power. You feel smaller now, but you’re still there… surviving.

Maybe if you let go, it will liberate you. Maybe at the bottom of that abyss is your home, who knows?

I think you should go. I don’t need you anymore. Thank you for our time. You really forced me to fight hard against you so… thank you. But really, you can go now. I’ll be just fine without you.


My guilt


You’re like a husband I never had.

That old ball & chain.

I’ve dragged you around for as long as I can remember.

I sometimes think I was born with you.

But what good have you done me?

You come to me as self-pity and I wallow in you.

I used to consider you my conscience.

You’d be the one to tell me what was right and what was wrong.

But to you, everything I wanted was wrong.

You told me I was selfish. You even told me to stop wanting things. That I could live without having anything. That I had to learn to appreciate what I had. That there was happiness and reward in sacrifice. That by following you, I was being humble and noble.

What kind of bias conscience are you? My whole life I felt remorse for not doing or being what others wanted me to be and you… oh, you had a party with that. Every time I was about to make a decision for myself and my happiness, I envisioned how it would impact others and boom! You exploded like a supernova in my heart. Why couldn’t I just want what others wanted me to want for myself? You made me hate that I was different. What is so wrong with wanting to live life just for me? Why is it my duty, my obligation to fulfill all the expectations put on me? Last time I checked, I wasn’t a fairy. So why do you keep suffocating me? How can I fly with your weight holding my soul down like gravity? I don’t know how to get rid of you yet, but for now I’ve learned a neat trick. I learned that I can reverse you. Instead of feeling you when I let others down, I will only feel you when I let myself down. You will only haunt me when I am not being true to myself. To my beliefs. You will also have a companion from now on. Her name is compassion.


My fears


I have carried you around for so long. You’ve become like an old friend that’s no good for me yet one I choose over others who are more worthy.

You keep me in the dark, and the hardest part is that I know the light. I’ve seen it. I recognize it. But you make it seem out of reach for me.

How long do you intend on keeping me prisoner?

You take the joy out of life. You blind me. Turn me into something I’m not.

You make me ugly and small. I’m tired of waiting for you to release me. I kept thinking that if I grew up, matured, and deepened my knowledge in spirituality that you would let me go. But NO. Here you are.

Gate keeper of my happiness and freedom.

I now realize that it was never your responsibility to release me.

I had to release YOU.

I had the power all along.

But I know you. You’re going to try to come back to me. That’s alright. I’ll never forget whose boss again.

You are not my friend. You don’t keep me safe. You keep me locked in a cage.

I’m letting you go. I’ll take the risk of being hurt or rejected or unloved or defeated.

Whatever comes my way, I’ll face it. My happiness is worth the risk.

My freedom is worth fearlessness.

Look… Listen…

We live in a world of contrast. Of duality. Of division. Of perception. Of perspective. Of difference. Of illusion…

We focus on the little things. After all, these are often the big things in our life. We focus on our family, friends, work, our belongings, our dreams. Each one of us has a bubble we can fit our whole life into. Everything and everyone we know.

Isn’t it funny, however, that even though we focus on what we can see, on what’s right in front of us… sometimes… we miss it altogether?

The big picture.

The raw beauty that always surrounds us. The energy. The connectivity. The LOVE.

We prioritize possessions over experiences.

We think tomorrow is promised.

We take the act of breathing for granted.

We take our very existance… for granted.

When was the last time you thought of yourself as more than just your name, age, nationality, profession, gender or status…

When was the last time you contemplated yourself as a universe, within a universe, within a universe?

Who are you? What are you? Why are you here?

When was the last time you had a conversation with the real you?

Speak up, soul.

Speak loud.

This body is here to listen.

I suffer from F.O.B.S {& more confessions…}

I’ve procrastinated for over 2 weeks deliberating whether or not to write this article. Alas, here I am.

This is going to be a tad different from other posts. I’m going to get more personal and intimate with you. More open, more honest.

Am I a positive person? Hell yes.

Am I spiritual? I am constantly practicing spirituality.

Am I kind? The older I get, the kinder I get.

Am I good? As good as I want to be on a good day.

Am I perfect? No freaking way.

I am human after all.

Could I be better? Yes.

Could I be happier? Indeed.

Could I be more stable in my emotions? Absolutely!

Could I achieve great things? Yes. Yes. Yes.

What’s stopping me?

That is what we’re going to talk about today…

You see, I think that ever since childhood I’ve suffered from this particular syndrome.

I call it the F.O.B.S, i.e:

THE FEAR OF BEING SEEN

 

Just by hearing this, you can probably relate. Maybe it made you smile or shy away. Either way, I know I’m not alone in this.

The Fear of Being Seen Syndrome has plagued me my whole life.

Imagine that you are the sole owner of the biggest, brightest, clearest and finest diamond in the entire world. What do you do? Wear it around your neck everywhere you go? Or keep it somewhere hidden where you know it will be safe?

Now imagine, that diamond… is you. You are this beautiful, one of a kind gem. You’re priceless. So what do you do? Do you put yourself out there, lay your truth bare, stand naked in Times Square to show off your radiance? No… you hide it. You keep it safe. You protect it. Or at least that’s what you tell yourself…

our-deepest-fear-is-not-that-we-are-inadequate-our-deepest-fear-is-that-we-are-powerful-beyond-measure

All these years, it’s what I told myself. I was SO AFRAID of being seen. Of someone discovering the REAL me. Of being recognized for who I really am. Of being noticed for my kindness, my thoughts, my words, my deeds, and most importantly…. My heart.

Yet, at the same time, I was DYING for someone to see beyond what I would show. Like some magic stare from some magical person could break through all the falsities and just see… me. If it happened like that, I would know that I was safe.

Ultimately, it was a fear of being hurt, rejected, judged, criticized, also a fear or raising the bar of expectations (for others and myself), a fear of not being able to go backwards, a fear of not recognizing myself, of losing the relationship I had with me. A fear of being inadequate, of not feeling like enough….. Basically, the entire dictionary of fears!

No matter what I did, I couldn’t shake these fears off my shoulders. I collected all my insecurities like jewelry and decorated myself with them.

For years I felt heavy. Unaware of the invisible weight I was carrying around with me. (not to mention the additional physical weight of top of that!)

It took me YEARS and I mean that literally to gain some perspective, some self-love and self-respect.

To love myself, want myself and choose myself the way I wanted others to.

It took me decades to value and appreciate my strengths, my talents, my gifts, my AWESOMENESS!

Like I am a GREAT listener (seriously, ask anybody), If you’re my friend you know you can always count on me, I’m a giving lover, I’m a challenging daughter (in a  good way hahaha, I love you Ma & Pa), I’m a grateful traveler, a pretty rad teacher. However, there are things I want to try that push me outside of that attractive comfort zone so I keep procrastinating because secretly I am terrified of trying new things (yup). For example, my friends tell me I have a really nice voice and I’ve got a knack for storytelling. I actually love to tell stories. However, making videos or starting a podcast intimidates me. (plus im not as technologically savvy as I seem…. You see what happened right there? Another limiting belief… * mental delete*)

These are things that I push through, little by little, piece by piece, day by day, until the puzzle is complete.

fabulous

I KNOW I have so much more to offer, to give away, to learn, to see, to be. Sometimes during my meditations I feel this power surge through me, begging me to be released. How? Where? Into what? These are the current questions that plague me.

How do I reach a state of full expression? Without limitations or restrictions?

How do I let myself show, completely, unapologetically, openly, strongly, and wholeheartedly?

How do I let go of my fear of being more that what I thought I was capable of?

How do I fall into all this gorgeous glory?

Gosh, does it really belong to me?

YES!!!! Because IT IS ME!

So, I guess, my advice to you after all these years of searching and hurting and growing and breaking and learning is the following:

Life is a story and you are the main character. You can choose to be the hero, the villain or the victim.

But ultimately, it’s your choice. You can hold so many titles. Play so many characters. Just choose the one that fits you best.

Every day I choose to be the hero. The warrior. The kindness agent. The dream maker. The philosopher. The gardener. The healer. The photographer. The artist. The musician. The nomad. The label breaker. The seamstress. The butterfly. The leaf. The sun rays. The treasure. The diamond. The student. The guest. The star. The instrument. The raindrop. The feather. The cloud. The ocean. The rock. The scientist. The lotus. The dragon. The swan. The passenger. The key. The pearl. The projector. The blank page. The entire damn Saga.

You are a soul. You are Concentrated Energy. Know this. Know the light that you hold. The power within.

Know your worth. Discover you’re limitless. Admire yourself.

You are everything you have ever searched for

You are Love

You are Peace

You are Happiness

You are Truth

You are Beauty

You are Bliss

Know this

Feel this

Be this

And allow yourself to shine through

All the fears and BS around you

Just…

Be.

Dear Reader,

I beg of you…

Remember your divinity.

 

{this article was mad scary to write so please be gentle with your comments. My big, open, heart would appreciate it. Thanks}

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