A Wake for my Weaknesses

 

“I would rather die a meaningful death than to live a meaningless life.”
Corazon Aquino
I am always first to admit when I make a mistake. I have no pride holding me back from recognizing that I am flawed. After all, I am human. But I am also divine. And I am now learning how to live from this divine nature within me…
For me this hasn’t been easy since I am someone prone to playing the victim role. There is always something or someone else to blame for what is happening to me…
I come from a line of toxic family beliefs: “money is the best indicator of success, vulnerability is a sign of weakness, honesty is cowardice, love is meaningless, time for leisure is laziness, etc etc”
For a long time, all I remember is how much I criticized myself for not meeting these standards. How well I put myself down, oh boy, I should’ve won some kind of prize. I didn’t appreciate any of my qualities. I always focused on what I didn’t have or what I was missing or what I had in excess.
It wasn’t until I discovered meditation that my old story and belief patterns were able to melt away and I could fall into the truth of who I am.
How you perceive yourself creates the filter, the lens through which you see everything… your entire world. How you see others is a reflection of how you see yourself. So if you see yourself as unworthy, you are going to seek worthiness in places and people…. and that just isn’t healthy. Trust me, I know.
But when we see ourselves as beings of energy, of love, of peace, beauty and bliss…. we allow ourselves to shine and we give permission to the other person to do so as well.
I now follow a specific spiritual path. Practicing Raja Yoga meditation, dedicating myself to serving others, having a focus of self-study and personal growth in order to be an example through my dharna. Being a part of a spiritual family and transcending the human form to become who we once were: Shaktis. This practice is my life and this is where the inspiration for my article comes from.

This path brings you face to face with the best and the worst in you. Your old story comes up and claws into you trying to hold on for dear life. This old story contains all our weakness and vices. All our sins and crimes.

It is not enough to just recognize them. The objective is to leave them behind. To destroy that which no longer serves you so you can make room for the light. To say it’s an emotional roller-coaster is an understatement. Fear  will appear like a knight in shining armor convinced that is has come to save you!
What I’ve found is that we can’t focus on our weaknesses, but rather our strengths. The stronger we are, the stronger the opposition. In order to stop identifying ourselves with our weaknesses we need to start to identify with our strengths, our innate qualities, our virtues, our powers. The more we connect with the wholeness that we are, the more we close the door to our faults. 
I have recently buried three very important weaknesses in my life. Each one of us knows who our monsters are and what they look like. These are mine. Thank you all for coming to their funeral:

My doubts


You are like this grey cloud in my head. Literally inside. And not only do you rain down on me, you constantly pass judgment! You are the birthplace of my confusion, my insecurity and my lack of decision-making.

You are the reason I always second guess myself. Why I don’t have trust or faith.

Where did you come from? Sometimes you feel like a lost boy. I wish I could get you home.

Sometimes you disguise yourself as intelligence (rational or emotional). But the truth is that I always see through you. I know you but I let you take over anyway. You always make it seem like I have more to lose than to gain. But I have clarity now, I have love and I have light. I have power. You feel smaller now, but you’re still there… surviving.

Maybe if you let go, it will liberate you. Maybe at the bottom of that abyss is your home, who knows?

I think you should go. I don’t need you anymore. Thank you for our time. You really forced me to fight hard against you so… thank you. But really, you can go now. I’ll be just fine without you.


My guilt


You’re like a husband I never had.

That old ball & chain.

I’ve dragged you around for as long as I can remember.

I sometimes think I was born with you.

But what good have you done me?

You come to me as self-pity and I wallow in you.

I used to consider you my conscience.

You’d be the one to tell me what was right and what was wrong.

But to you, everything I wanted was wrong.

You told me I was selfish. You even told me to stop wanting things. That I could live without having anything. That I had to learn to appreciate what I had. That there was happiness and reward in sacrifice. That by following you, I was being humble and noble.

What kind of bias conscience are you? My whole life I felt remorse for not doing or being what others wanted me to be and you… oh, you had a party with that. Every time I was about to make a decision for myself and my happiness, I envisioned how it would impact others and boom! You exploded like a supernova in my heart. Why couldn’t I just want what others wanted me to want for myself? You made me hate that I was different. What is so wrong with wanting to live life just for me? Why is it my duty, my obligation to fulfill all the expectations put on me? Last time I checked, I wasn’t a fairy. So why do you keep suffocating me? How can I fly with your weight holding my soul down like gravity? I don’t know how to get rid of you yet, but for now I’ve learned a neat trick. I learned that I can reverse you. Instead of feeling you when I let others down, I will only feel you when I let myself down. You will only haunt me when I am not being true to myself. To my beliefs. You will also have a companion from now on. Her name is compassion.


My fears


I have carried you around for so long. You’ve become like an old friend that’s no good for me yet one I choose over others who are more worthy.

You keep me in the dark, and the hardest part is that I know the light. I’ve seen it. I recognize it. But you make it seem out of reach for me.

How long do you intend on keeping me prisoner?

You take the joy out of life. You blind me. Turn me into something I’m not.

You make me ugly and small. I’m tired of waiting for you to release me. I kept thinking that if I grew up, matured, and deepened my knowledge in spirituality that you would let me go. But NO. Here you are.

Gate keeper of my happiness and freedom.

I now realize that it was never your responsibility to release me.

I had to release YOU.

I had the power all along.

But I know you. You’re going to try to come back to me. That’s alright. I’ll never forget whose boss again.

You are not my friend. You don’t keep me safe. You keep me locked in a cage.

I’m letting you go. I’ll take the risk of being hurt or rejected or unloved or defeated.

Whatever comes my way, I’ll face it. My happiness is worth the risk.

My freedom is worth fearlessness.

The Pain of Perception

 

Check out the girl in this photo. How does she look to you?

If you had to describe the picture in one word what would it be?

Did any of the following words come to mind: Fat, Ugly, Insecure, Unworthy.

Probably not.

Here’s the deal. The girl in the pic? That’s me… about 3 years ago.

I was by a beach on the east coast of Argentina. They were truly happy days for me. But… what you probably don’t know and can’t pick up from this photo is how much self-loathing I had for myself.

You see… I write about love. Especially self-love… not because I am some hippie obsessed with love but because I KNOW what it’s like to be without love and the difference it makes to have love and further more, to recognize that you ARE love.

For years, I did not love myself. I hated my body, I hated the way I looked, the incessant hair that grew on my arms and face, I hated the clothes I had to wear because I was a girl, I pretty much disliked everything about me.

In my entire family, I felt like I was the only one who was overweight. I was also the only tomboy. The odd one. The black sheep. I didn’t want to get married so I was defying my parent’s principles and expectations and maybe even the illusion of their purpose for existence. Outcast. Marginalized. Rebel. But it didn’t make me proud. It hurt. It ached. But the truth was stronger than the pain. I knew I had to keep moving forward. And so I did… despite the opposition. I didn’t realize how brave that was.

But I looked at that picture above and I couldn’t help but laugh! I love that photo. It’s so beautiful. They’re a couple of pictures where you see a purple ring around me, a lot people say it’s my aura! It’s almost as if you could see the soul.

But you know what? During that moment, all I remember is how much I criticized myself. How well I put myself down, oh boy, I should’ve won some kind of prize. I didn’t appreciate my beauty. Not just physical. In general. I always focused on what I didn’t have or what I was missing or what I had in excess. Funny enough, now when I look at photos from the past all I can see is the beauty!

How could I not notice the beauty? I hope I am not coming across as vein now, haha, but really… honestly… if you guys knew how much I beat myself up for not fitting into a stereotype you would understand how elated I feel now to notice that I never had to. That it was so superficial. That I was never in competition with anyone. All I had to do is be me. I wish I could go back in time to the girl I was and appreciate her! Life would be so different…

But.. I am here now. Honoring myself. My beauty, my mind, my heart, my energy.

When I see that photo now, I remember that the girl in that photo, as flawed as she thinks she is, she is also beautiful. So beautiful, so free, so loving, so kind, so generous, so independent, so deep, so spontaneous and full of life! This is her essence.

IMG-20160515-WA0005

I can’t stress it enough. How you perceive yourself creates the filter, the lens through which you see everything… your entire world. How you see others is a reflection of how you see yourself. So if you see yourself as unworthy, you are going to seek worthiness in places and people…. and that just isn’t healthy. Trust me, I know.

The worst part is… no one can get you to do it. No matter how hard I try… I can’t make you love you. You have to decide to. Just like I did. One day, you just wake up and decide you are going to be loving and gentle and kind with your body, your heart and your mind.

So, whether you are a self-loving enthusiast, on the path or not there yet, know that I am here to support you in your journey. Because this is a journey. So don’t rush to get to the destination. All will come in due time. For now, observe yourself. Start noticing how you talk to yourself. How you communicate with your inner world. We think it’s okay because no one can hear us but we’re wrong. WE hear it. So just notice…. and find one thing about yourself that you absolutely LOVE. Like really, really love. Write it down, paint it, dance it, sing it, remix it, collage it, instagram or twitter it and bask in the joy of it!

Happy Sunday ❤

lovemyself

If you would like to hear me go on and on about Love check out some of my previous posts! I will leave the links below:

An open love letter to my Heart

Let Love In

Same Love

You are LOVED

Higher Love

Strength in Vulnerability

I’ll Never Be Enough

Give your heartstrings a tug..

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I suffer from F.O.B.S {& more confessions…}

I’ve procrastinated for over 2 weeks deliberating whether or not to write this article. Alas, here I am.

This is going to be a tad different from other posts. I’m going to get more personal and intimate with you. More open, more honest.

Am I a positive person? Hell yes.

Am I spiritual? I am constantly practicing spirituality.

Am I kind? The older I get, the kinder I get.

Am I good? As good as I want to be on a good day.

Am I perfect? No freaking way.

I am human after all.

Could I be better? Yes.

Could I be happier? Indeed.

Could I be more stable in my emotions? Absolutely!

Could I achieve great things? Yes. Yes. Yes.

What’s stopping me?

That is what we’re going to talk about today…

You see, I think that ever since childhood I’ve suffered from this particular syndrome.

I call it the F.O.B.S, i.e:

THE FEAR OF BEING SEEN

 

Just by hearing this, you can probably relate. Maybe it made you smile or shy away. Either way, I know I’m not alone in this.

The Fear of Being Seen Syndrome has plagued me my whole life.

Imagine that you are the sole owner of the biggest, brightest, clearest and finest diamond in the entire world. What do you do? Wear it around your neck everywhere you go? Or keep it somewhere hidden where you know it will be safe?

Now imagine, that diamond… is you. You are this beautiful, one of a kind gem. You’re priceless. So what do you do? Do you put yourself out there, lay your truth bare, stand naked in Times Square to show off your radiance? No… you hide it. You keep it safe. You protect it. Or at least that’s what you tell yourself…

our-deepest-fear-is-not-that-we-are-inadequate-our-deepest-fear-is-that-we-are-powerful-beyond-measure

All these years, it’s what I told myself. I was SO AFRAID of being seen. Of someone discovering the REAL me. Of being recognized for who I really am. Of being noticed for my kindness, my thoughts, my words, my deeds, and most importantly…. My heart.

Yet, at the same time, I was DYING for someone to see beyond what I would show. Like some magic stare from some magical person could break through all the falsities and just see… me. If it happened like that, I would know that I was safe.

Ultimately, it was a fear of being hurt, rejected, judged, criticized, also a fear or raising the bar of expectations (for others and myself), a fear of not being able to go backwards, a fear of not recognizing myself, of losing the relationship I had with me. A fear of being inadequate, of not feeling like enough….. Basically, the entire dictionary of fears!

No matter what I did, I couldn’t shake these fears off my shoulders. I collected all my insecurities like jewelry and decorated myself with them.

For years I felt heavy. Unaware of the invisible weight I was carrying around with me. (not to mention the additional physical weight of top of that!)

It took me YEARS and I mean that literally to gain some perspective, some self-love and self-respect.

To love myself, want myself and choose myself the way I wanted others to.

It took me decades to value and appreciate my strengths, my talents, my gifts, my AWESOMENESS!

Like I am a GREAT listener (seriously, ask anybody), If you’re my friend you know you can always count on me, I’m a giving lover, I’m a challenging daughter (in a  good way hahaha, I love you Ma & Pa), I’m a grateful traveler, a pretty rad teacher. However, there are things I want to try that push me outside of that attractive comfort zone so I keep procrastinating because secretly I am terrified of trying new things (yup). For example, my friends tell me I have a really nice voice and I’ve got a knack for storytelling. I actually love to tell stories. However, making videos or starting a podcast intimidates me. (plus im not as technologically savvy as I seem…. You see what happened right there? Another limiting belief… * mental delete*)

These are things that I push through, little by little, piece by piece, day by day, until the puzzle is complete.

fabulous

I KNOW I have so much more to offer, to give away, to learn, to see, to be. Sometimes during my meditations I feel this power surge through me, begging me to be released. How? Where? Into what? These are the current questions that plague me.

How do I reach a state of full expression? Without limitations or restrictions?

How do I let myself show, completely, unapologetically, openly, strongly, and wholeheartedly?

How do I let go of my fear of being more that what I thought I was capable of?

How do I fall into all this gorgeous glory?

Gosh, does it really belong to me?

YES!!!! Because IT IS ME!

So, I guess, my advice to you after all these years of searching and hurting and growing and breaking and learning is the following:

Life is a story and you are the main character. You can choose to be the hero, the villain or the victim.

But ultimately, it’s your choice. You can hold so many titles. Play so many characters. Just choose the one that fits you best.

Every day I choose to be the hero. The warrior. The kindness agent. The dream maker. The philosopher. The gardener. The healer. The photographer. The artist. The musician. The nomad. The label breaker. The seamstress. The butterfly. The leaf. The sun rays. The treasure. The diamond. The student. The guest. The star. The instrument. The raindrop. The feather. The cloud. The ocean. The rock. The scientist. The lotus. The dragon. The swan. The passenger. The key. The pearl. The projector. The blank page. The entire damn Saga.

You are a soul. You are Concentrated Energy. Know this. Know the light that you hold. The power within.

Know your worth. Discover you’re limitless. Admire yourself.

You are everything you have ever searched for

You are Love

You are Peace

You are Happiness

You are Truth

You are Beauty

You are Bliss

Know this

Feel this

Be this

And allow yourself to shine through

All the fears and BS around you

Just…

Be.

Dear Reader,

I beg of you…

Remember your divinity.

 

{this article was mad scary to write so please be gentle with your comments. My big, open, heart would appreciate it. Thanks}

,

I’ll Never be enough…

Have you EVER said this to yourself?

I’ll never be…

good enough

smart enough

pretty enough

thin enough

just… not enough.

I wish I could say I don’t have these thoughts about myself anymore, but every now and then they pop up to remind me of the limiting beliefs I used to hold as true.

Now I know just a little better…

Now I know that no matter what or when, I am ALWAYS enough.

It’s not even something I need to be, it is something I am inherently.

It’s my fears, my self-doubts, my poor self-esteem that keep me from seeing me for all that I am and for appreciating myself just as I am.

 

Doesn’t it hurt?

When you’re unkind to yourself?

Don’t you start to feel even worse?

Negative attracts negative. It’s a downward spiral from there. I know this feeling. I’ve seen myself fall down the ladder so many times. Gosh.

But you want to know the beautiful part? The really satisfying part? The empowering moment? It’s that split second. That instant where you make a decision to say NO to the self-loathing and YES to the self-loving. It’s getting up from your knees to make a stand again. It’s facing… everything. Including yourself. It’s the star of courage you earn, and the scar of gold etched onto your heart that makes it bearable.

YOU, my dear, are special. You probably already know that, maybe you’re sick of hearing it but I am telling you what I think about YOU and i know for a fact that…

YOU ARE SO SPECIAL!

You are one of a kind. No one on this planet can replace you. You have a unique gift for the world that only you can share. You are an explosive miracle!

Don’t believe me? Listen here to Jim Carrey…

So my dear, beautiful, kindred brother or sister, you beautiful soul… I urge you today to make the right choice.

No matter the problem or situation… Choose LOVE!

Share yourself with the Universe. Be that ocean in a drop.

self lveo

 

Choose YOU. Because you are so worth it!

lovemyself

 

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02/02 UPDATE: Don’t you just love SERENDIPITY? One day after my post, a brilliant article was posted on Elephant Journal. The subject matter was:

5 Truths to Remember when you Feel like you are Not Enough

Also, this amazing photo showed up on my feed:

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The Universe is conspiring lovely one. Feel it. Breathe it. Use it. Share it.

 

You don’t have to try…

Why should you care, what they think of you
When you’re all alone, by yourself
Do you like you? Do you like you?

I have to admit. I cried when I heard this song. It took me back to a time, a time where all I ever did was try.

I tried to fit in, I tried to be accepted, I tried to please others. Make them proud. I tried to be what they wanted me to be.

It was painful. 

I felt so far from the person that everyone wanted me to be and I felt less because of it.

I felt so small, so worthless, a disgrace in many ways.

I was different. I always was. This fact always made me feel out of place.

I was lost. Where did I belong?

Today. Oh, today is a glorious day. Today is a day I’m proud of that struggle. Because if gave me strength. That strength then transformed into the courage I needed to follow my heart.

Today I’m a soul that’s fallen into my body. Today there’s nothing you could tell me that would make me like myself any less.

“At that moment I was sure. That I belonged in my skin. That my organs were mine and my eyes were mine and my ears, which could only hear the silence of this night and my faint breathing, were mine, and I loved them and what they could do.”

— Dave Eggers

Sure, the people that had problems with me then still have them with me now.

I’m too boyish, too overweight, too this, too that.  

But that’s ok. Because I am ok with it. I accept myself. I love myself and I know that I am more than the sum of my parts. I am heart, I am soul, I am creativity, I am magic. And you can’t fit that on any scale or put it into any outfit.

This society we live in, this crazy popular society likes to categorize things, give everything it’s appropriate label, stereotype things to make it easier. So a lot of people end up with labels such as “freak, weirdo, pervert, ugly, fat, wh*re, b*tch…” and the list goes on.

Would you ever speak to someone you love like that? How could you ever refer to another soul in that manner?

The problem is Vision. We have a limited vision. We see things on the surface and we assess their value based on that. We make too many assumptions and we aren’t looking at the whole picture.

Connect with yourself. Connect with your TRUE SELF. The being that you truly are. A being of light, of beauty, of truth, happiness, of power and virtue.

Really look at yourself with the vision of your soul.

I practice looking at myself in the mirror on mornings and I recite an affirmation:

“You are a being of light. You are wondrous. You are gorgeous. You are powerful. You have a purpose. Share that today with someone” 

I then carry that soul vision around with me, It’s like wearing a pair of shades and I see the entire Universe in a different light. Everything is… just a little more bright.

And people. One of my favorite things to do these days in this new city that I’m in is to sit in a park and watch people pass me by. The range and variety of them, their laughter, their chatter, their expressions, their energy are so contrasting. So unique. Each soul is unique. I feel like a witness to a miracle for each person that passes me by. I appreciate each and every one of them.

Do you think you could do that? Put on the glasses of your soul and look at yourself and love yourself. really love yourself. deep down. in spaces no one else knows about but you. in your darkness. in your downfalls. on your bad hair days. with your fears, your doubts, your mistakes. Know that there is nothing NOT worth loving.

You are lovable. You are 100% lovable. You don’t need to hide an inch or change a thing.

Look into the mirror, at yourself
Don’t you like you?
Cause I like you

Be that awesome person that you are and share that vision with someone else.

Make someone else feel just as awesome as you 🙂

Namaste.

Holding on to Letting Go…

I’ve written a million posts about letting go, I know it’s good for the soul. I promote the harshest removal of everything and anything in life that doesn’t make you happy. It’s a process I’ve been working on personally as well. For me its been a process of destruction and transformation. I’ve had to destroy the things I didn’t want, destroy the person I didn’t want to be in order to end up with the person I am. It’s hard. It’s really hard, I’m not going to lie, I’m not going to sit in this lazy couch and tell you it’s easy. There came a point where I was actively working on letting go of things and I thought I had come a long way, so long that i began to settle for where i was and who I was. I began to start a process of acceptance. It was all roses and cozy until very recently.

I was confronted with my neglect. I had neglected to continue my process of removing the garbage from within. They were still things there and even though I had piled a bunch of goodness on top, there was still crap at the bottom. Sigh.

It’s like climbing a mountain and finding a shortcut that in the end isn’t really a shortcut because it’s full of difficulties, then you get on the other side and you realize you’re not where you’re supposed to be so you have to go back to where you came from and STILL climb the mountain on top of that.. Double Sigh.

But that’s life, no? It’s all about the struggle I’ve learned. It’s what makes us or breaks us. We’ve all heard the Butterfly story I’m sure. We each have our cocoon or mountain or hurricane or storm to go through.

storm

In class today (Life has granted me the amazing opportunity to attend a awesome Spiritual University… but that deserves its own post so we’re going to put a temporary pin on it), we did an exercise of writing what we want to let go of on paper and in the end we would literally set it on fire!

letting go...

I can’t explain the feeling of watching it burn. You might think rituals are ridiculous but this one was healing. As I saw that paper filled with all the things that still haunt me, I felt my inner fire burning. I was letting go again. I was purifying, cleansing myself. I felt lighter. I am now committed to letting go, it’s a constant process because we are always accumulating things. I advise you to do the exercise if you can, if you can’t then just write them down, take the power out of them. Let Go!

To conclude, I’ve written a poem that pretty much sums up the whole experience for me. I’m glad to share it with you in the hopes it might inspire you:

Today I was given a lifetime opportunity.

I was asked to let go

Of all the things I don’t want,

I don’t need.

To write them on paper at least.

To throw them in the crucible

To burn them…

From within.

It’s hard to come to terms

With the things you hold on to

That no longer serve you.

Where to start?

My fears,

My doubts,

My insecurities.

My constant need for acceptance and approval,

Associating my worth to my body,

Feeling like I don’t fit the standard definition of “pretty”,

My mistakes, my flaws, my faults

My guilt,

My expectations.

“Let them go” a little voice whispered to me.

Let them go and live from your soul.

Allow yourself to be.

That beautiful, wonderful being that you are

That perfection in you

Because that’s what you are.

You are perfect.

You’re the reason

the definition of the word perfect even exists,

because there is nothing perfect in this world

yet we know what it is.

Listen to your heart.

Let it go…

Everything you think you are,

Everything you think you know,

And just breathe.

Just be.

Because in that being,

Dwells a divine masterpiece.

Have an awesome day 🙂

Find your WHY

There is a business strategy that argues that the most important thing to consider when starting a business isn’t what you sell, it’s not even about how you sell it. It’s why you sell it. Simon Sinek describes it as “The Golden Circle”

Why do we do what we do?

This theory can be translated into every aspect of life.

Consider these scenarios:

Why am I doing this job?

Why am I with this person?

Why do I dress the way I do?

Everything we do says something about us. From the cereal we like to the kind of shoes we wear. Everything is a statement and there is a “why” in all of it too.

If we were to analyze that why and figure out the reason because our actions and decisions, we could make better ones. We could create a life that is more representative of who we truly are. In the end, it all comes down to that. Being true to you.

 

Our why should make us want to come alive! It’s what makes us want to try. To keep going at it against all odds. There is a sense of purpose in your why.

It’s for this reason that I’ve began to study my own why.

Why did I start this blog?

I’d like to share my WHY with you.

I started this blog to be used as an outlet of my thoughts and feelings. I’ve had many mentors (life being one of them) and I’ve learned so much from my experiences that I wanted to be able to share them with someone else. I had learned something a few years ago and that was that no matter what you’re going through, you are not alone. You are NEVER alone. There is always going to be someone, somewhere out there that knows and feels exactly what you’re going through.  To me, learning that was comforting in a way I can’t quite explain. So I thought to myself…. If there’s someone out there that is currently feeling my pain, my sorrow, my despair, my confusion, making my mistakes then  that means that there’s also someone out there sharing my joy, my happiness, my passion, my awe, someone that was on the path of exploration and discovery, someone with my music tastes, someone just like me. So I started this blog to connect with… someone, anyone, everyone. My goal was to be able to make one person smile, question their reality, maybe even believe in themselves. I started this blog to meet the seekers, lovers, thinkers and dreamers and to inspire. That is my purpose. That is my why.

My URL is… callingonangelsdaily.wordpress.com

There is WHY behind that too.

I need a sign to let me know you’re here

All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere

I need to know that things are gonna look up

‘Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

 

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head

When you feel the world shake from the words that are said

 

And I’m calling all angels

I’m calling all you angels

 

I started this blog because I was once someone in search of something. I was the one that wanted a sign, that needed some guidance, some motivation and inspiration. I was the one calling on angels. Until I became one. My goal is to be here for you. To be your angel. To be that person that looks out for you. And I am not the only angel, in fact, we are all angels.

We are the angels we are calling out for.

Finally. The blog is called Diary of A Crazy Awesome Person

That’s presumptuous, someone might say. Indeed. So why would I call an inspirational blog by such an audacious name? Because growing up, I was told I was different and not in a good way. I was told I was weird. Weird turned into crazy. Crazy turned into reject.

I could’ve easily accepted the labels given to me and gone on a lived my “weird, crazy outcast life” but instead I chose to defy it.

I asked people “what makes me crazy? Why do you think that?”

Today, the same people that called me crazy now call me “awesome.”

So, how did that happen?

It was a shift in perspective. They were looking at me from the wrong angle. Once I got them to adjust their lens, they noticed another side of me.

I love being called crazy because I take it as a synonym of awesomeness and I will never apologize to anyone for who I am again.

This is me & this is my diary.

So I’ve spent some time really thinking about my WHY. Once you know your why, you can work towards achieving. Here are some of my why’s:

  • To inspire
  • To motivate
  • To create a space for people to feel safe
  • A space that teaches people to be kind
  • To be true to oneself
  • To spread positive energy wherever they go
  • To question dogma and labels
  • To be accepting of others who are different
  • To be vulnerable
  • To be honest
  • To be brave
  • To be generous
  • To live in the present moment

And first and foremost:

  • To love.

This is not a final list. That’s the beauty of it. I can add as much as I want to it. Just like you can with your life.

So find your why in whatever you do. Really dig in and find that truth.

It will set you free.

 

If you have any comments or suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments!

Have an awesome day, angels.

Show your Awesome!

Dear Readers,

I’d like to share the start of something amazing and beautiful.

As you all know, I endorse Awesomeness.

I’m awesome.

You’re awesome.

We’re all awesome!

I know that and I’ve made it my mission in life for you to be aware of it too.

In an effort to share the awesomeness around, to spread it through the land of the living, to make it a palpable, living and breathing thing I’ve decided to do something very simple: This.

Today I’m feeling Awesome.

Check out the website, spread the word, if you would be so kind as to support the expansion of global awesomeness I’d be truly grateful.

Whatever you do, have an Awesome day!

All my love,

Dolly.

Video

Black Dog Days Will Pass

In collaboration with WHO to mark World Mental Health Day, writer and illustrator Matthew Johnstone tells the story of overcoming the “black dog of depression”.

How many of you have seen The Black Dog?
How many of you had kept it as a pet in your own home?
How many of you still take a walk with it everyday?

I do.

I’ve struggled with the black dog my entire life.

As a child, I wasn’t the most “ordinary” girl. The other girls wanted to play with Barbie dolls and go shopping, I wanted to climb trees and go exploring. The things that made me happiest or made me feel accomplished (attempting to climb a tree and actually reaching the top) were of no value to my parents. In fact, they would yell and be disappointed at my lack of lady-like mannerisms. That’s when the puppy appeared.

As a pre-teen, I was overweight. Acne and extra belly fat is a bad combination at any age… But at 10 it’s all too horrific. The puppy grew a little more.

As an adolescent, my everyday routine could be condensed into one word: Struggling.

I was at that age where I was able to assimilate all my thoughts and emotions, I was able to give them words and meanings. I was so tortured now that I think of it. I would bathe myself in hurt everyday. Everything would weigh me down. Not living up to expectations, not being pretty, not being smart enough, not being creative, gutsy, not knowing what I wanted to do, not taking risks. I missed out on a lot of my life because of fear. And then I hated myself for it. Plus, I was dealing with some serious self-denial about my sexuality. Plus, I had developed an eating disorder. To say the least, I was pretty suicidal in college.

That is why it humbles me down to my bones everyday to remember where I came from and to know that I’ve gotten to a beautiful place I like to call “This”. My present. My moment. To remember my limiting beliefs, my lack of self confidence, of self esteem, of emotion. You can read my “Confession” in my previous post Pain, My Mentor to know what I’m talking about. I’ve had to overcome a series of painful events in order to break free. But I’ve learned that’s how life works, isn’t it? The harder we fall, the higher we fly. 

Today, however, one of my long standing monsters is “Discipline”. Self-control has never been my forte. That’s why I can never stick to a schedule or a diet or a routine. That’s why I’ve been scrambling to find the time to meditate for weeks, that’s why I’ve been begging myself to sit down and write during the night because… I have no order. I have no discipline. I know what my problem is and what I need to do in order to improve on it… but some days I fall short. Very short. Luckily, I’ve learned the art of forgiving oneself so it keeps me afloat and I know that each day is a day for me to try again.

I’m nowhere near perfect, but I’m a person that gets up and tries everyday to be better and that is good enough for me.

I know a lot of people are out there right now struggling. It hurts me to know that some are battling with no light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I could tell me that dark days don’t last forever, that the sun always shines. I wish I could tell them that they’re innocent and they’ve done no wrong, that it’s ok to just be down at times. I wish I could shine some light into their lives.

Please share this if you or someone you know is suffering from depression. Help shine the light and know for a fact that sadness doesn’t last. Before you know it…

Unconditionally…

Oh no, did I get too close?
Oh, did I almost see
What’s really on the inside?
All your insecurities
All the dirty laundry
Never made me blink one time

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
There is no fear now
Let go and just be free
I will love you unconditionally

 

This AWESOME song by Katy Perry takes a deep look into what it means to really and truly love someone without conditions.

How many of us can say we have a true love, a pure love, an unconditional love? Do you have someone in your life that you love like this?

It could be your mother, your daughter, your spouse, your best friend, your neighbor…yourself.

Can you say that you love this person with no expectations, without prejudice?

Unconditional means “without conditions”. The general example used to describe the word is: Unconditional Surrender.

I found this odd. It seems that we tend to associate the ‘unconditional’ with pain and suffering. During War Times, an opponent would use unconditional surrender as a way to put psychological pressure on a weaker adversary.

So what is unconditional love all about… and does it even exist?

Modern day society has a different outlook on love than our ancestors. Love these days is a choice and romantic love, in most cases, is seen as a hindrance. To love, by expression, is to create a set of conditions in which to love.

We choose our life partners based on convenience. If we have the same political views, want to settle down in the same neighborhood, want the same amount of kids, agree to let each other pursue our careers, etc.

So, with that in mind, does unconditional love have a space to grow and blossom? I find a lot of modern day relationships to be a kind of contractual agreement between two parties. It’s all about comfort and convenience. Is that really love?

Putting relationships aside, let’s think about unconditional love on a greater scale. What if you could apply unconditional love to every aspect in your life?

To your job, to your boss, to the traffic on your way to work, to the waitress having a bad day and taking it out on you, to the homeless man on the corner asking for a dollar, to your children, to yourself…

Do you see the difference?

It all boils down to the same thing over and over again.

Fear.

We are afraid to be exposed. To be seen. For everything we are as well as everything we’re not. We are scared. We are so scared and it’s killing us my friend…

I’d like you to do an exercise with me. We cannot project unconditional love until we have found that same love in ourselves. How many of you can say you love yourselves unconditionally?

Well… let’s get there. I have 3 steps that helped me and maybe they could help you too:

  1. Look at yourself in the mirror and say your affirmations out loud. Whatever your truth is, say it out loud to yourself. Internalize it, own up to it.
  2. Forgive yourself. Stop criticizing yourself. Stop scrutinizing your mistakes. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or haven’t done in the past. Each day we are born anew.
  3. Give more love. The more you give of yourself, the more you will get back. It’s just the Law of the Universe.

And lastly…

Stare your fear in the face and walk right past it…

“Do one thing every day that scares you.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt

 

Eleanor