The Secret to Second Chances

And if you were to ask me
After all that we’ve been through
Still believe in magic
Oh yes I do
Of course I do

Allow me to share a story.

Girl meets girl.

They talked for hours on end. Laughter, secrets, hopes and dreams were shared.

There was this closeness. This familiarity. This complicity.

Like they’ve known each other forever.

They were high on each other, they were accomplices exploring each others universes,

sharing optimism and revered glances.

Their language was kindness, trust and truth.

It was glorified sexy on all fronts.

Some might even dare call it Love.

–  –  –

Then something happened. A darkness crept in.

It began to stain their sacred space. Things that were not meant were said.

Lies became the new truth.

At that time, it was hard to figure out what was happening. You could only stand by the shore watching everything as it crumbled.

In the silence, in the loneliness, the truth revealed itself to her: Fear.

Fear was the monster eating her alive. It was a hungry beast preying on her weaknesses and faults. It broke them apart.

In the sadness, in the regret, another truth revealed itself: “I never wanted this to end.”

The girl confronted the beast head on and though she was left with some bruises, she felt less pain in her heart.

“I love you” she yelled as loud as she possibly could.

“Please forgive me, I beg you.” But no one was there to listen.

Her lover’s heart had grown as cold as winter.

But the girl insisted.

“Please. Give me another chance. I love you.” She repeated and repeated.

Finally a voice answered.

“I’m sorry, I’ve shut down in order to not get hurt again. It was very sad. It broke my soul… So I’ve shut down.

The girl felt herself wanting to shut down too to avoid feeling the pain and the guilt but without fear, this was hard for her to do.

“That’s okay.” she said quietly.

“I’ll be patient. I’ll wait for you to give me another chance.” she said retreating to lay in wait for her love.

–  –  –

They say love conquers all. I’d like to believe that false steps are included in that list.

Imagine a baseball game with only one strike to hit the ball. To get it right.

Imagine a football match made up of a single half.

Imagine our education system without makeup tests.

Imagine hating your mother for the rest of your life because she forgot to get you what you asked.

Imagine an unforgiving lover, unable to let go of the past.

When someone we love has hurt us, betrayed us or let us down it’s painstakingly difficult to offer them (or even someone else) a second chance in the fear of suffering through the same mistake twice.

However, life is made up of second chances. The universe allows it. There is room for it, for with mistakes comes growth and with growth comes change.

So why is it so hard sometimes to give the ones we love a second chance?

Did they hurt us? Yes

Do they deserve our forgiveness? Absolutely.

I’ve never met anyone who hasn’t made a mistake. To err is human. It’s a part of the process. It’s a part of life itself. So why do we find it so difficult to forgive? To move on?

Why do we hold on so desperately to the mistakes as if they were some kind of armor we needed to accumulate to pass to the next round?

This is not a game.

If you’ve ever loved with all your heart and you’ve been wronged, I’m sure you’ve felt the pain. This is the repercussion, the consequence of growing. Hurt.

Sometimes we hurt our own selves and most times we hurt others as well.

There are so many casualties caught up in the crossfire.

What do we do? How do we cope?

How can we move on?

How do we let go?

It’s funny because everyone thinks they know what needs to be done. 10 years ago I didn’t know that forgiving someone had actually nothing to do with them and everything to do with me.

I didn’t know how awful it would be when the expectations you lay on somebody just came crashing down.

I didn’t know how much I could be hurt and more importantly, how much I could hurt. It’s then that I also discovered how much I could love and be loved.

second chance

In my humble opinion, here are 3 steps you must be willing to take in order to offer a second chance:

  1.  Forgiveness

This is primordial and probably the hardest step. Without forgiveness, no matter how great the relationship may be in the present there will always be this cloud of resentment lingering over you. True forgiveness is divine. It comes when you are ready to differentiate between the person and the mistake they’ve committed. By forgiving the person you are letting go of the past, of criticism, of judgment and disappointment. It takes a compassionate and strong heart to truly bestow forgiveness.

  1. Communication

Because a level of trust was destroyed, it is important to build it up again. Some people believe that once trust is lost, it can never be regained. I adamantly deny this reasoning. It takes work and consistent effort but it is not impossible and not without merit. An open line of communication is essential when rebuilding a relationship. You can and you should share what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling on a regular basis, even if what you have to say isn’t that positive, even when In doubt, even if with a whisper or on a post it note. No matter what it is, if you’re thinking it or feeling it, it’s important.

  1. Courage

“Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor – the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” – Brene Brown

Here’s the tricky part. You have to be willing to open up your heart. Your whole heart.

All. Over. Again.

You need to dare. To dream. To place your bet. To take the risk of being hurt again. Yes, I said it. Take the f*cking risk. To trust your humongous, forgiving heart into the abyss. Trust what you’re feeling and hold on to it. There is no running, no hiding, no shirking. Don’t you worry for your heart is made for this. It wants to be let out. It wants to be free. It wants to be put into everything you do… because it’s you.

Second chances aren’t for everyone. They are for the bold hearted. The big hearted. The true hearted. A true second chance needs to feel a lot like the first one. It can be a beautiful thing, your relationship could transform into a much deeper and stronger one. Each situation is unique and only you know if it’s worth another chance.

Here’s to second chances, or better yet, starting over.

Holding on to Letting Go…

I’ve written a million posts about letting go, I know it’s good for the soul. I promote the harshest removal of everything and anything in life that doesn’t make you happy. It’s a process I’ve been working on personally as well. For me its been a process of destruction and transformation. I’ve had to destroy the things I didn’t want, destroy the person I didn’t want to be in order to end up with the person I am. It’s hard. It’s really hard, I’m not going to lie, I’m not going to sit in this lazy couch and tell you it’s easy. There came a point where I was actively working on letting go of things and I thought I had come a long way, so long that i began to settle for where i was and who I was. I began to start a process of acceptance. It was all roses and cozy until very recently.

I was confronted with my neglect. I had neglected to continue my process of removing the garbage from within. They were still things there and even though I had piled a bunch of goodness on top, there was still crap at the bottom. Sigh.

It’s like climbing a mountain and finding a shortcut that in the end isn’t really a shortcut because it’s full of difficulties, then you get on the other side and you realize you’re not where you’re supposed to be so you have to go back to where you came from and STILL climb the mountain on top of that.. Double Sigh.

But that’s life, no? It’s all about the struggle I’ve learned. It’s what makes us or breaks us. We’ve all heard the Butterfly story I’m sure. We each have our cocoon or mountain or hurricane or storm to go through.

storm

In class today (Life has granted me the amazing opportunity to attend a awesome Spiritual University… but that deserves its own post so we’re going to put a temporary pin on it), we did an exercise of writing what we want to let go of on paper and in the end we would literally set it on fire!

letting go...

I can’t explain the feeling of watching it burn. You might think rituals are ridiculous but this one was healing. As I saw that paper filled with all the things that still haunt me, I felt my inner fire burning. I was letting go again. I was purifying, cleansing myself. I felt lighter. I am now committed to letting go, it’s a constant process because we are always accumulating things. I advise you to do the exercise if you can, if you can’t then just write them down, take the power out of them. Let Go!

To conclude, I’ve written a poem that pretty much sums up the whole experience for me. I’m glad to share it with you in the hopes it might inspire you:

Today I was given a lifetime opportunity.

I was asked to let go

Of all the things I don’t want,

I don’t need.

To write them on paper at least.

To throw them in the crucible

To burn them…

From within.

It’s hard to come to terms

With the things you hold on to

That no longer serve you.

Where to start?

My fears,

My doubts,

My insecurities.

My constant need for acceptance and approval,

Associating my worth to my body,

Feeling like I don’t fit the standard definition of “pretty”,

My mistakes, my flaws, my faults

My guilt,

My expectations.

“Let them go” a little voice whispered to me.

Let them go and live from your soul.

Allow yourself to be.

That beautiful, wonderful being that you are

That perfection in you

Because that’s what you are.

You are perfect.

You’re the reason

the definition of the word perfect even exists,

because there is nothing perfect in this world

yet we know what it is.

Listen to your heart.

Let it go…

Everything you think you are,

Everything you think you know,

And just breathe.

Just be.

Because in that being,

Dwells a divine masterpiece.

Have an awesome day 🙂

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I’m Happy to be Thankful!

I'm Happy to be Thankful!

Sometimes we forget to appreciate the little things in life… I’m happy when I walk into my local grocery store and my favorite mini cinnamon raisin bagels aren’t out of stock! I’m happy when my gas gauge isn’t on E when I step into the car, when I get a phone call from a friend just to find out how i’m doing. Then they’re bigger things we take for granted like our health, our wealth and the love that surrounds us. We take it for granted very often believing that it will never leave us. “You don’t know what you got til it’s gone” didn’t become a cliche for no reason. Focus on appreciating the little things in your life. Start trying to point out one thing a day, and before you know it becomes routine to be thankful for your own life! As Einstein put it:

“There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.”

I prefer to live by the latter rule. How about you? =)

You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one…

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I have this little habit that I do. At least once day everyday. With all the routines set into our daily life, it’s only a matter of time before things become monotonous. When I start to feel claustrophobic in it, there’s this other little world that I’ve created in my head, so I pack a mental suitcase and I move myself over there and begin to live there until I decide to come back or I’m snapped out of it (I’m usually snapped out of it.)

 

Some people call it daydreaming; others call it ‘living in a bubble’. Growing up, my dad would always tell me that I’m living in some kind of fantasy world and because of it I don’t notice what’s going on around me in the present moment. That I was letting my “real life” pass me by. Most of the time, he was right. But it was because I had no interest in my current life. While life is comprised of many different factors that lead to happiness and success, I didn’t like any one of them. I had low self esteem because of my weight issues, I was in a dead end relationship with someone I didn’t love because I couldn’t be with the person that I really wanted (let’s put a pin on this topic and get back to it at a later time), I had a job that I hated, It was one of those “full time 8 hours a day nothing more nothing less work to get paid” kinda jobs, my friends were a bunch of fakes. I was always the one giving something, but what was I getting in return? When I needed someone, there was no one there for me. And everyday it was be a huge internal battle just to convince myself that today is worth living, that things WILL get better and for that I need to get out of bed. By the end of the day everyday I would be asking myself the same question over and over again. “Why?”

Why am I in this position? Why am I stuck here? Who’s forcing me to be here? Why can’t I do something about it?

I was right. Why didn’t I do something about it? I’ll tell you why…… One word. Four letters. Big, scary meaning.

The answer: FEAR

I was terrified of change. Truth is that I had gotten so accustom to my slum, miserable lifestyle that when I attempted to change anything, I would subconsciously sabotage myself to fail.  And it wasn’t because I didn’t believe in myself, it’s because I did. I actually had the power to change my life. I had a degree. I could go out and look for a job that I enjoyed doing, I could break up with my boyfriend, I could be honest about the way I feel with my friends, I could diet and exercise… I COULD change things… if I REALLY wanted to. And that terrified me.

I am 24 years old and I had given up on my hopes and my dreams. I forced myself to “get serious” about life and here I was, being that miserable disappointing adult that not too long ago I promised myself I would never become.

Shortly after this epiphany, I spent everyday questioning myself, studying my situation, analyzing myself and trying to find a way to rid myself of the fear. To live the life I love and love the life I lived. (I love Bob Marley, may he R.I.P)

And eventually… It just happened. It’s amazing what the power of thought can accomplish once you put it to good use. Nothing around me had changed. Everything was still the same. Except for me. I changed the way I thought and therefore the way I looked at things and people had changed as well. So everything was completely different to me. I started to make changes to my life that impacted positively on every area.

I tried dieting, but realized it made me hungry which made me angry so I started to add more fruits and veggies to my diet instead (you should start with baby steps), I didn’t have to break up with my boyfriend because he cheated on me. Yes, it hurt a little. But it was for the best. I asked my boss to take on more responsibility at work and I was rewarded for it. Everything just started to change. Everything happens for a reason J The world became a beautiful place again.

I went to sleep with a dream and I woke up with a PURPOSE. There’s nothing more fulfilling than that.

All those things that we want to do when we’re young and that we forget about when we grow up, like travel the world, or watch a Black & White movie, volunteer at a nursing home, break a world record. I started writing down some of the things I’ve always wanted to do. And then you know what I did? I started to DO THEM.

And as I did them, I ticked them off my list and I felt a burst of joy within me. “FINALLY!” I would mentally shout. However, the list doesn’t get any smaller because I also keep adding things to it. I also started to add to the list a few things I’d like to do more often.

Here are 10 things I’ve already successfully been able to tick off my list: 

–          Start blogging

–          Live in another country

–          Do a random act of kindness for a stranger

–          Tell the person that you really love how you feel

–          Watch a scary movie… alone.

–          Go to a party and NOT drink alcohol

–          Sing karaoke

–          Read more (by this I mean read more old fashioned paperback books.)

–          Go to Vegas

–          Watch a marathon of The Matrix

 

I couldn’t believe it myself either. But it’s true. All I had to do was believe in myself and dare to dream.

To let go of my fear and push forward toward the direction of my aspirations. Literally, that’s all it takes. Everything else is secondary nature. Everything else will follow suit. You just have to make the first move.

What are some of your dreams and hopes?

Write down at least 5 of them. And dare yourself to achieve them. Because you can. Like I said before, you are so powerful. You are your own remote control; anything is possible when it comes to you.

 

“As a child, we’re always told that the world is at our fingertips. As an adult, I think the only thing that has changed is the confidence we have to reach for it.” – Dolly

 

Just go for it. Saving your dreams means saving your soul so I DARE you to DREAM! 

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