The Secret to Second Chances

And if you were to ask me
After all that we’ve been through
Still believe in magic
Oh yes I do
Of course I do

Allow me to share a story.

Girl meets girl.

They talked for hours on end. Laughter, secrets, hopes and dreams were shared.

There was this closeness. This familiarity. This complicity.

Like they’ve known each other forever.

They were high on each other, they were accomplices exploring each others universes,

sharing optimism and revered glances.

Their language was kindness, trust and truth.

It was glorified sexy on all fronts.

Some might even dare call it Love.

–  –  –

Then something happened. A darkness crept in.

It began to stain their sacred space. Things that were not meant were said.

Lies became the new truth.

At that time, it was hard to figure out what was happening. You could only stand by the shore watching everything as it crumbled.

In the silence, in the loneliness, the truth revealed itself to her: Fear.

Fear was the monster eating her alive. It was a hungry beast preying on her weaknesses and faults. It broke them apart.

In the sadness, in the regret, another truth revealed itself: “I never wanted this to end.”

The girl confronted the beast head on and though she was left with some bruises, she felt less pain in her heart.

“I love you” she yelled as loud as she possibly could.

“Please forgive me, I beg you.” But no one was there to listen.

Her lover’s heart had grown as cold as winter.

But the girl insisted.

“Please. Give me another chance. I love you.” She repeated and repeated.

Finally a voice answered.

“I’m sorry, I’ve shut down in order to not get hurt again. It was very sad. It broke my soul… So I’ve shut down.

The girl felt herself wanting to shut down too to avoid feeling the pain and the guilt but without fear, this was hard for her to do.

“That’s okay.” she said quietly.

“I’ll be patient. I’ll wait for you to give me another chance.” she said retreating to lay in wait for her love.

–  –  –

They say love conquers all. I’d like to believe that false steps are included in that list.

Imagine a baseball game with only one strike to hit the ball. To get it right.

Imagine a football match made up of a single half.

Imagine our education system without makeup tests.

Imagine hating your mother for the rest of your life because she forgot to get you what you asked.

Imagine an unforgiving lover, unable to let go of the past.

When someone we love has hurt us, betrayed us or let us down it’s painstakingly difficult to offer them (or even someone else) a second chance in the fear of suffering through the same mistake twice.

However, life is made up of second chances. The universe allows it. There is room for it, for with mistakes comes growth and with growth comes change.

So why is it so hard sometimes to give the ones we love a second chance?

Did they hurt us? Yes

Do they deserve our forgiveness? Absolutely.

I’ve never met anyone who hasn’t made a mistake. To err is human. It’s a part of the process. It’s a part of life itself. So why do we find it so difficult to forgive? To move on?

Why do we hold on so desperately to the mistakes as if they were some kind of armor we needed to accumulate to pass to the next round?

This is not a game.

If you’ve ever loved with all your heart and you’ve been wronged, I’m sure you’ve felt the pain. This is the repercussion, the consequence of growing. Hurt.

Sometimes we hurt our own selves and most times we hurt others as well.

There are so many casualties caught up in the crossfire.

What do we do? How do we cope?

How can we move on?

How do we let go?

It’s funny because everyone thinks they know what needs to be done. 10 years ago I didn’t know that forgiving someone had actually nothing to do with them and everything to do with me.

I didn’t know how awful it would be when the expectations you lay on somebody just came crashing down.

I didn’t know how much I could be hurt and more importantly, how much I could hurt. It’s then that I also discovered how much I could love and be loved.

second chance

In my humble opinion, here are 3 steps you must be willing to take in order to offer a second chance:

  1.  Forgiveness

This is primordial and probably the hardest step. Without forgiveness, no matter how great the relationship may be in the present there will always be this cloud of resentment lingering over you. True forgiveness is divine. It comes when you are ready to differentiate between the person and the mistake they’ve committed. By forgiving the person you are letting go of the past, of criticism, of judgment and disappointment. It takes a compassionate and strong heart to truly bestow forgiveness.

  1. Communication

Because a level of trust was destroyed, it is important to build it up again. Some people believe that once trust is lost, it can never be regained. I adamantly deny this reasoning. It takes work and consistent effort but it is not impossible and not without merit. An open line of communication is essential when rebuilding a relationship. You can and you should share what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling on a regular basis, even if what you have to say isn’t that positive, even when In doubt, even if with a whisper or on a post it note. No matter what it is, if you’re thinking it or feeling it, it’s important.

  1. Courage

“Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor – the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” – Brene Brown

Here’s the tricky part. You have to be willing to open up your heart. Your whole heart.

All. Over. Again.

You need to dare. To dream. To place your bet. To take the risk of being hurt again. Yes, I said it. Take the f*cking risk. To trust your humongous, forgiving heart into the abyss. Trust what you’re feeling and hold on to it. There is no running, no hiding, no shirking. Don’t you worry for your heart is made for this. It wants to be let out. It wants to be free. It wants to be put into everything you do… because it’s you.

Second chances aren’t for everyone. They are for the bold hearted. The big hearted. The true hearted. A true second chance needs to feel a lot like the first one. It can be a beautiful thing, your relationship could transform into a much deeper and stronger one. Each situation is unique and only you know if it’s worth another chance.

Here’s to second chances, or better yet, starting over.

Advertisements

how i do grief, and my serious mad girl crush on Jeanette LeBlanc

This touched little pieces of me. Pieces I have tucked away out of sight and out of reach. Pieces that came out as I read this piece and pieces that are now splattered over my carpet floor asking me “How do we get back up?” You see, because in an attempt to “seem okay” we tend to cover up our scars, hide our emotions and put on those life proof masks I’ve been talking about… But here you have it, be witness to the courageous, the brave, the raw and the gorgeous soul that is Melissa Dodson as she describes how one of my favorite writers (I also have a serious mad girl crush on Jeanette) helped her face her grief and get back up… This is the beauty that stems from vulnerability, from honesty, from truth.

Grief. Pain. Disillusion. Disappointment. These are a part of Life. We all go through it at some point in time. But how do we survive? With Grace. With Compassion. With Gratitude for the Experience. With Kindness and with our Tribe… With gorgeous and gentle kindred spirits to learn from, lean on, laugh with, cry with, they are there with us for the falling apart and they celebrate us as we rise again. Here’s to breakdowns and breakthroughs.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Live.

wpid-wp-1421223481896.jpeg

I have a little grief gremlin in my head, he moved in at 3am PST on March 25, 2014….he took up residence while my mama was taking her last breath here on this earth and my heart cracked wide open and a huge gaping hole knocked my world off it’s axis.

My little grief gremlin was sitting on my shoulder this morning as I was about to read a blogpost by Jeanette LeBlanc of {peace.love.free}. Her blog is one of my favorites. I absolutely love Jeanette LeBlanc. Like, serious mad girl crush LOVE her. She and her blog were one of my inspirations for starting my own blog. And I always like/love/am inspired by pretty much anything she posts/writes/breathes. Today she re-posted an article called ‘115 ways to heal your own broken open heart, self care for the times you need it most’. (http://www.peacelovefree.com/2013/10/10/self-care/)

I read it, because I always read her…

View original post 1,620 more words

Video

Are you Empathetic?

Dr. Brené Brown is a researcher-storyteller and kind of a rock star for me. I previously posted her TED Talk on Vulnerability where she laid out some deep truths in such an elegant and simplistic manner with a dash of humor in a way that only she could do.

In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brown breaks down vulnerability to reveal what she calls “wholeheartedness”: The capacity to engage in our lives with authenticity, cultivate courage and compassion, and embrace — not in that self-help-book, motivational-seminar way, but really, deeply, profoundly embrace — the imperfections of who we really are. It is sheer brilliance.

In this sweet & short video, the Royal Society for the encouragement of Arts, Manufactures and Commerce (RSA) teamed up with animator Katy Davis to bring to life an excerpt from Brown’s longer talk on the power of vulnerability and the difference between empathy and sympathy, based on her most recent book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. (also brilliant)

“The truth is, rarely can a response make something better — what makes something better is connection.”

How many of you can agree to this statement?

How many of us are actually connecting when we communicate?

In her book, Brown writes:

Vulnerability isn’t good or bad. It’s not what we call a dark emotion, nor is it always a light, positive experience.
Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings. To feel is to be vulnerable. To believe vulnerability is weakness is to believe that feeling is weakness. To foreclose on our emotional life out of a fear that the costs will be too high is to walk away from the very thing that gives purpose and meaning to living.

[…]

Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.

How vulnerable are you willing to be?