The importance of Roots…

Yesterday we had a special Moon. It was an invitation, an opportunity to let go of things we no longer need so we can make room for the new. It sounds so easy. So simple. So achievable. In a certain way it was, in a certain way it wasn’t.

when the time comes
to love yourself well
it takes a good solid month
to stop crying
about everything
you have to let go
– Andrea Gibson

There is only one thing in my life I feel I have a huge resistance to let go of. I know I have a lot of things to let go of (My insecurities, my fear of failure, my fear of success, etc etc) and little by little, day by day I do the work needed to shed these pieces of the old me. Still, there is something I don’t want to touch. Someone I hold onto that I ignore in a big way. We all know this story. A love that is no more. Relationships are tricky. I’ve only had one in my life that meant the universe to me. She was my everything. Losing her was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure. But the love fades. Not that love is lost but that it transforms… I like to think that. I’m grateful for where I am at right now. Ahead of the pain and behind a fogged up window. Unsure of the future but certain of the past, clear in the present and grateful in the moment. Today, I wrote her out of me. I’m done. I’m really done this time. I’ll keep saying it until it’s true…

Here is my late night write: 

Have you ever heard your heart?
Have you ever noticed the intricacies of it…how loudly it beats, how many times per second? What every heartbeat sounds like? What makes it accelerate? If it ever trembles or cries, does it scream out of sheer joy?
Have you?
Have you ever stopped to notice yourself? The way you open your eyes when the sun peeks through the blinds. The way you stretch out your arms as if asking the stars to come out of hiding so you could go back under the sheets. The way you roll yourself out of bed and pause just before feet touch ground. You are a second away from being awake. You take this. You thank this. You appreciate this. God, do you know how beautiful you are when you wake up?
The rest is all magic. All wonder. All chaos and contemplation.
Some days, you light your cigarette and look out the window. I never really knew what you were thinking but you were always smiling. Other days, you would put on some Coldplay and dance your way into the shower. You would sing to the top of your lungs and give the birds some healthy competition.
You would never leave home without breakfast. Even if it was just butter on toast. You would make sure it was toast and not bread. You said they were two different things.
You would always kiss my back good morning along with all my tattoos. Especially the one about you.
Oh, how many ways you would pray without even knowing it, Ms. Atheist.
Every time we would look into each other’s eyes it was a meditation. A connection of soul to soul, soul to Source and back to soul.
You would greet strangers on the street, you would converse with the homeless just as easily as with your coworkers. You would run to be anywhere anyone needed you to be. You would befriend every stray dog in the city. They were days you wouldn’t eat because you felt guilty that others didn’t have food. Your heart was twice the size of your body so you got fit. Instead of shrinking it, you made sure you were strong enough to carry it. You exercised every day with it. You shared it, lent it, surrendered to it and continued to grow it. I really loved that about you…
I loved dining out with you too, you’d order all my favorite foods so I wouldn’t have to. Even though you didn’t have a sweet tooth, you’d always ask for an extra spoon for my ice cream because you loved the idea of sharing a bowl with me. The way you sucked your thumb after eating strawberries was so sexy. You’d sit through every chick flick I dragged you to and you would even make sure we had popcorn. I’ll never forget the time you cried watching “Just like Heaven”.
I wish you had loved yourself more when I met you. Maybe we would still be together. I wish you were aware of your beauty so you wouldn’t need me to reinforce your worth to you constantly. I wish you wanted me rather than needed me. Appreciated me rather than required me.
When you know your true beauty,
You are not mesmerized by another’s noticing.
You appreciate it but you don’t need it.
I was a reflection through which you could see yourself.
Remember when we moved in together?
It was the first time in our lives we ever took our masks off.
We dropped all our defenses. There was no backup plan. No emergency exit.
Just a promise.
In that moment,
We were learning to be.
We built a home together. A heaven based on habits. We cultivated the habit of honesty, kindness, pleasure, desire, happiness, silliness, respect, compassion, intimacy, vulnerability, togetherness, unity.
These were our most honest moments.
Our truest confessions
We felt seen.
We felt loved.
We felt accepted.
We felt safe.
We felt wanted.
We felt important.
And you were.
You were.
You were.
I hate that I have to write this in past tense.
I hate that you took your fear and ran away from a love this big.
I hate that I’m still here thinking about what could’ve been
If you had been braver.
I fell in to you as far as you would let me, even further.
I filled all the spaces in between us with my love.

Everyone thinks I’m better off without you,
But they are things they will never know about you.
You might be my illness, but you are also my medicine.
My tiger balm, my Nyquil, my Advil.
The way you would look at me was unearthly.
Like I was made up of some kind of magic.
If there was one thing I’d trade it all for, it’d be that.
But there is nothing left to trade. Nothing to bargain.
You’ve burned our bridge too many times. There’s not an architect in the world that could create a new design for us.
We are two tectonic plates that could never touch again without causing destruction.
You were so good at self-destructing.
My own personal Hiroshima.
Without notice. Just like that. Everything went boom.
My eyes went dark. My body heavy. Wounds open, flesh blood pouring from my most recent cut and you were gone. All your shit was gone and you were gone. There was an echo in the emptiness. I knew you were gone but I still kept asking the wind if anyone was there. Hello? Hello? Love, are you there? Hello?
In your absence, I held on to things. Every tiny detail of your existence became a part of me. I didn’t want to forget you. I didn’t want to forget me.
I kept your smell in my lungs. Your voice in my ears. Your lips on my mouth.
All our Shane&Carmen moments, our inside jokes, my books with your scribbles, our letters, all our words.
I kept them safe.
I kept us safe.
I kept us safe.
I try to talk good about you every chance I get. I don’t air our dirty laundry. I don’t tell anyone about our ugly or our broken. How we fit into the darkness perfectly.
We were so tired of hearing how special we were, weren’t we? Of lovers leaving us because they couldn’t bear the thought of losing us. We were so tired. We were so tired when we met each other.
We were so tired.

There was a voice in you that reached out to me. In a loud silence, in a quiet scream it said “save me”.
Oh darling, I tried. How I tried saving you. How I tried telling your demons you weren’t in hell anymore.
That the worse was behind you. I wish I had known the full story then. I wish you had told me about your condition. I would’ve forced you to take your medication.
I’m done now.
I keep thinking I’m done now.
God knows we tried.
I see the photos on facebook of you and your new lover.
I get messages from you asking for relationship advice.
Because I’m the one that still knows you best.
Why is that?

As I stand before an endless beach, as I witness daffodil seeds bloom into yellow windmills of hope, I notice how roots work. Plants grow down before they grow up. They need to know that it’s safe to peek their heads out. Even the ocean has an underbelly.
Did we have roots or did we just grow hydroponically? I don’t think you felt as safe as I thought you were with me.
I want to say sorry.
For all the mistakes I never knew I made.
I forgive you.
I forgive me.
We did the best we could with what we had in that very unique time that was gifted to us.
I wish you the best. Be happy. Travel the world. Be free. Paint your heart across the sky and let the world admire your beauty.
Me? I’ll be fine.
I working on my roots now. I’m working on creating sacred land. Sanctuary. Safe space for my soul.
I’m working on rebuilding from the ground up everything that has crashed in me.
I stand here and stretch my arms out wide, feeling the anchor under my soles sink.
Grounding feels good. Almost as good as flying. I feel safe.
For the first time, I feel held. Truly held. I don’t know what this means yet but I know that it matters.
I let the cardinal points pull me as I stretch even wider, giving myself away to the wind.
My chest feels open.
My heart is an orchestra standing on stage just before a performance. I let the conductor know we are ready. She lifts her baton and we move into full swing with the melody. Listen closely. This music is classic. It’s more classic than Vivaldi. This music is ancient. Full of wisdom. Full of knowing. Ready to serve you as you need it to.
I’m grounding through dancing and it tastes like freedom.

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More Secrets…

I’m loving the response from my FOBS post. Guess what? Elephant Journal has agreed to publish it! Yeey me!

And in continuing on this journey of full disclosure and openness & to celebrate International Women’s Day, I want to share something very near and dear to my heart to me.

rumi-1

Did you guys know I write poetry?

In fact, last year my poems were published in a book! (seriously!)

So I would like to share with you all a little bit of the mini Rumi in me 🙂

Holding on to Letting Go

The Search

The Fire of Life

These are the last few poems I’ve writter for this awesome movement of women writing spiritual poetry. I have a ton of others ones that have yet to see the light of day.

What’s your secret talent?

Let me know!

 

I suffer from F.O.B.S {& more confessions…}

I’ve procrastinated for over 2 weeks deliberating whether or not to write this article. Alas, here I am.

This is going to be a tad different from other posts. I’m going to get more personal and intimate with you. More open, more honest.

Am I a positive person? Hell yes.

Am I spiritual? I am constantly practicing spirituality.

Am I kind? The older I get, the kinder I get.

Am I good? As good as I want to be on a good day.

Am I perfect? No freaking way.

I am human after all.

Could I be better? Yes.

Could I be happier? Indeed.

Could I be more stable in my emotions? Absolutely!

Could I achieve great things? Yes. Yes. Yes.

What’s stopping me?

That is what we’re going to talk about today…

You see, I think that ever since childhood I’ve suffered from this particular syndrome.

I call it the F.O.B.S, i.e:

THE FEAR OF BEING SEEN

 

Just by hearing this, you can probably relate. Maybe it made you smile or shy away. Either way, I know I’m not alone in this.

The Fear of Being Seen Syndrome has plagued me my whole life.

Imagine that you are the sole owner of the biggest, brightest, clearest and finest diamond in the entire world. What do you do? Wear it around your neck everywhere you go? Or keep it somewhere hidden where you know it will be safe?

Now imagine, that diamond… is you. You are this beautiful, one of a kind gem. You’re priceless. So what do you do? Do you put yourself out there, lay your truth bare, stand naked in Times Square to show off your radiance? No… you hide it. You keep it safe. You protect it. Or at least that’s what you tell yourself…

our-deepest-fear-is-not-that-we-are-inadequate-our-deepest-fear-is-that-we-are-powerful-beyond-measure

All these years, it’s what I told myself. I was SO AFRAID of being seen. Of someone discovering the REAL me. Of being recognized for who I really am. Of being noticed for my kindness, my thoughts, my words, my deeds, and most importantly…. My heart.

Yet, at the same time, I was DYING for someone to see beyond what I would show. Like some magic stare from some magical person could break through all the falsities and just see… me. If it happened like that, I would know that I was safe.

Ultimately, it was a fear of being hurt, rejected, judged, criticized, also a fear or raising the bar of expectations (for others and myself), a fear of not being able to go backwards, a fear of not recognizing myself, of losing the relationship I had with me. A fear of being inadequate, of not feeling like enough….. Basically, the entire dictionary of fears!

No matter what I did, I couldn’t shake these fears off my shoulders. I collected all my insecurities like jewelry and decorated myself with them.

For years I felt heavy. Unaware of the invisible weight I was carrying around with me. (not to mention the additional physical weight of top of that!)

It took me YEARS and I mean that literally to gain some perspective, some self-love and self-respect.

To love myself, want myself and choose myself the way I wanted others to.

It took me decades to value and appreciate my strengths, my talents, my gifts, my AWESOMENESS!

Like I am a GREAT listener (seriously, ask anybody), If you’re my friend you know you can always count on me, I’m a giving lover, I’m a challenging daughter (in a  good way hahaha, I love you Ma & Pa), I’m a grateful traveler, a pretty rad teacher. However, there are things I want to try that push me outside of that attractive comfort zone so I keep procrastinating because secretly I am terrified of trying new things (yup). For example, my friends tell me I have a really nice voice and I’ve got a knack for storytelling. I actually love to tell stories. However, making videos or starting a podcast intimidates me. (plus im not as technologically savvy as I seem…. You see what happened right there? Another limiting belief… * mental delete*)

These are things that I push through, little by little, piece by piece, day by day, until the puzzle is complete.

fabulous

I KNOW I have so much more to offer, to give away, to learn, to see, to be. Sometimes during my meditations I feel this power surge through me, begging me to be released. How? Where? Into what? These are the current questions that plague me.

How do I reach a state of full expression? Without limitations or restrictions?

How do I let myself show, completely, unapologetically, openly, strongly, and wholeheartedly?

How do I let go of my fear of being more that what I thought I was capable of?

How do I fall into all this gorgeous glory?

Gosh, does it really belong to me?

YES!!!! Because IT IS ME!

So, I guess, my advice to you after all these years of searching and hurting and growing and breaking and learning is the following:

Life is a story and you are the main character. You can choose to be the hero, the villain or the victim.

But ultimately, it’s your choice. You can hold so many titles. Play so many characters. Just choose the one that fits you best.

Every day I choose to be the hero. The warrior. The kindness agent. The dream maker. The philosopher. The gardener. The healer. The photographer. The artist. The musician. The nomad. The label breaker. The seamstress. The butterfly. The leaf. The sun rays. The treasure. The diamond. The student. The guest. The star. The instrument. The raindrop. The feather. The cloud. The ocean. The rock. The scientist. The lotus. The dragon. The swan. The passenger. The key. The pearl. The projector. The blank page. The entire damn Saga.

You are a soul. You are Concentrated Energy. Know this. Know the light that you hold. The power within.

Know your worth. Discover you’re limitless. Admire yourself.

You are everything you have ever searched for

You are Love

You are Peace

You are Happiness

You are Truth

You are Beauty

You are Bliss

Know this

Feel this

Be this

And allow yourself to shine through

All the fears and BS around you

Just…

Be.

Dear Reader,

I beg of you…

Remember your divinity.

 

{this article was mad scary to write so please be gentle with your comments. My big, open, heart would appreciate it. Thanks}

,

Happy 2016!

jar

I started my jar this morning. I call it the “Gratitude and Wishes Jar”

I plan to write down one thing a day that I’m grateful for and all my hopes and dreams for this year.

This morning I realized… I have so much to be grateful for.

I have my health, my sanity, my family, my friends, my job which I love, a roof over my head, food in the fridge. I have a lot of qualities I don’t give myself enough credit for but I also have a bunch of beautiful people who are there to remind me.  I have a lot! What more could I ask for? To be truthful, nothing. I want nothing more than to continue on this journey called life. To continue to walk with myself, to learn more, to grow more, to see more, to experience more, to love more, to breathe more. Another year of more of all this that I’ve been living.

For some reason, I have this notion that my life has been radically transformed during the past few years. As if the sum of my life experiences has somehow altered me on a genetic or biological level.

I find myself to be more kind, more loving, more generous, more intuitive, more patient, more graceful, more benevolent, more decisive, more confident, more honest, more trusting, more flexible, more peaceful, more joyous, more beautiful, more EVERYTHING than I’ve ever been in my life….

 

I posted this on Facebook today:

Some of you might not know this, but once upon a time I was a very shy person. I was afraid of sharing my thoughts and feelings with the world because I feared they could be rejected. I feared I could be rejected.. and in some way, by thinking that way I created that reality for myself. I was an outcast for a big part of my life. Today, not sharing my heart with others feels like drowning. Not letting them know how much I love them every second of every day is not an option. (some people are actually sick of it already haha) but I am so grateful for my bold, beating heart that feels so damn much for so many people. I am so grateful for this year because this is the year that I learned about courage, authenticity, loss, discovery, connection, transformation, detachment, freedom and most of all.. Love. To my friends and family, you beautiful people… thank you for being with me (near or far).. teaching me, pushing me, encouraging me, scolding me… loving me. Thank you so damn much 2015. I wish you all a 2016 full of love, love, love, some peace and joy too, and most of all… I look forward to the memories and experiences I hope to share with you. Happy New Year!

 

The response was somewhat overwhelming. I received messages from people I haven’t spoken to in years telling me how amazing and awesome I am, my primary school teacher even wrote to me saying she knew that shy side, but that I’ve always had a big and kind heart.

 

So maybe… I’ve always been this way? Maybe I’m now realizing it. Maybe this is what we call “Awakening”. Who knows? 🙂

They are a lot of things I’m not sure of. In fact, there are very few things I believe with 100% certainty. Full conviction. It is these 3 things:

 

  1. I am a being of Love

 

loveHuman beings have an immeasurable capacity for compassion, for kindness, for gratitude, for love! Love knows no boundaries, no barriers, no race, no gender, no color… when love comes knocking, open the door!

 

  1. The stars, the trees, the leaves, the breeze, the sea, everything without is within me. I am connected to an Eternal Source of Unlimited Energy

divine

  1. I am here in this life to be happy. To experience love and beauty and truth and peace. In order to step into my own authenticity, in order to be me and claim my beautiful life, I need courage.

courage

 

  1. There is a flow to the entire Universe. There is order in the Chaos.

 

This is a post I wrote Jan 1, 2015:

Oh my god, is it really over? 2014, you were amazing on so many levels. You were a roller coaster ride the whole time and I’d like to emphasize that I survived. Thank you for pushing me past my limits, for testing new waters, for challenging… well pretty much everything. Thank you for bringing change, both temporary and permanent. Thank you for bringing opportunity. For bringing wisdom, joy, creativity, love and friendship. Thank you for reminding me of the value of family. I’m glad we do that every year. Thank you for my family of friends. Thank you for the books, the movies, the moments, the intimate conversations, the aleatory souls, the random chance encounters, the late nights, the early mornings, the sunsets, the meditations, the silence, those infinite moments where I took a deep breathe. Thank you for courage, for patience, for freedom, for truth. For everything, thank you. Sending my love to all my family and friends, may 2015 be a time of intense joy, fulfillment and togetherness. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

 

As you can see, there is some conducive string attaching 2014 to 2015 and I hope to 2016. I believe it is because I am aligned with my Truth more and more in time and therefore the path that I’m on automatically winds to fit where I am. I believe life is a beautiful and intrinsic dance and we all just need to let loose, take off our shoes and shake the hell out of it!

 

I wish every single one of you kindred spirits from the bottom of my heart a very wonderful and beautiful 2016. Full of LOVE! Peace, Happiness, Beauty, Growth, Transformation, Discovery, Re-Discovery, Encounters, Magic, Flores, Laughter, Eye gazing, hugs and absolute Bliss!

Thank you for being in my life. You are part of my journey, my existence, my growth, my transformation. This year, I hope to do the same for you.

With immense gratitude and love,

12470707_10156367951380114_1904717416_o

Dolly

Holding on to Letting Go…

I’ve written a million posts about letting go, I know it’s good for the soul. I promote the harshest removal of everything and anything in life that doesn’t make you happy. It’s a process I’ve been working on personally as well. For me its been a process of destruction and transformation. I’ve had to destroy the things I didn’t want, destroy the person I didn’t want to be in order to end up with the person I am. It’s hard. It’s really hard, I’m not going to lie, I’m not going to sit in this lazy couch and tell you it’s easy. There came a point where I was actively working on letting go of things and I thought I had come a long way, so long that i began to settle for where i was and who I was. I began to start a process of acceptance. It was all roses and cozy until very recently.

I was confronted with my neglect. I had neglected to continue my process of removing the garbage from within. They were still things there and even though I had piled a bunch of goodness on top, there was still crap at the bottom. Sigh.

It’s like climbing a mountain and finding a shortcut that in the end isn’t really a shortcut because it’s full of difficulties, then you get on the other side and you realize you’re not where you’re supposed to be so you have to go back to where you came from and STILL climb the mountain on top of that.. Double Sigh.

But that’s life, no? It’s all about the struggle I’ve learned. It’s what makes us or breaks us. We’ve all heard the Butterfly story I’m sure. We each have our cocoon or mountain or hurricane or storm to go through.

storm

In class today (Life has granted me the amazing opportunity to attend a awesome Spiritual University… but that deserves its own post so we’re going to put a temporary pin on it), we did an exercise of writing what we want to let go of on paper and in the end we would literally set it on fire!

letting go...

I can’t explain the feeling of watching it burn. You might think rituals are ridiculous but this one was healing. As I saw that paper filled with all the things that still haunt me, I felt my inner fire burning. I was letting go again. I was purifying, cleansing myself. I felt lighter. I am now committed to letting go, it’s a constant process because we are always accumulating things. I advise you to do the exercise if you can, if you can’t then just write them down, take the power out of them. Let Go!

To conclude, I’ve written a poem that pretty much sums up the whole experience for me. I’m glad to share it with you in the hopes it might inspire you:

Today I was given a lifetime opportunity.

I was asked to let go

Of all the things I don’t want,

I don’t need.

To write them on paper at least.

To throw them in the crucible

To burn them…

From within.

It’s hard to come to terms

With the things you hold on to

That no longer serve you.

Where to start?

My fears,

My doubts,

My insecurities.

My constant need for acceptance and approval,

Associating my worth to my body,

Feeling like I don’t fit the standard definition of “pretty”,

My mistakes, my flaws, my faults

My guilt,

My expectations.

“Let them go” a little voice whispered to me.

Let them go and live from your soul.

Allow yourself to be.

That beautiful, wonderful being that you are

That perfection in you

Because that’s what you are.

You are perfect.

You’re the reason

the definition of the word perfect even exists,

because there is nothing perfect in this world

yet we know what it is.

Listen to your heart.

Let it go…

Everything you think you are,

Everything you think you know,

And just breathe.

Just be.

Because in that being,

Dwells a divine masterpiece.

Have an awesome day 🙂

Connect by Disconnecting…

Does this video look familiar to you? Do you see this in your social circles? at Work? School? Home? Do you see the closest people you know following this pattern? Friends? Family? Boyfriend/Girlfriend?

How does it make you feel. What about you? Are you part of it yourself?

The funny thing is: If everybody is ‘plugged in’, there’s no one to notice the problem. 

I have a blackberry. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had one (since they came out). Last year, when I was living abroad, my blackberry broke. And so I did the most sensible thing – I bought the cheapest phone I could find. And just like that, I broke free of a circle I didn’t know I was in. I was missing BBM and Whatsapp group messages, I wouldn’t get Facebook notifications or emails on my phone and guess what? I didn’t need it. I was fine. I was more than fine. I wasn’t just surviving, I was living. I was living in the present moment. something we forget to do. Yes, this is a fast pace world we live in. Yes the internet is a driving force in today’s society and economy but ask yourself this… Are you spending more time than you should on your phone/laptop/tablet? Could you possibly manage to do a few things without it?

LET GO!

Here’s what I do: I spend 60 minutes a day completely disconnected from everything. My phone and my computer (that’s all the technology I use) and I make an effort to be fully engaged and present in the moment. I don’t have to be doing something special. I could be at work attending a customer, but I’m really there. I could be reading a book, walking on the beach (fantastic thing to do), taking a shower. Whatever it is. I’m 100% present.

 

Be present in your life. 

Trust me.

Try it.

Let go…