A Wake for my Weaknesses

 

“I would rather die a meaningful death than to live a meaningless life.”
Corazon Aquino
I am always first to admit when I make a mistake. I have no pride holding me back from recognizing that I am flawed. After all, I am human. But I am also divine. And I am now learning how to live from this divine nature within me…
For me this hasn’t been easy since I am someone prone to playing the victim role. There is always something or someone else to blame for what is happening to me…
I come from a line of toxic family beliefs: “money is the best indicator of success, vulnerability is a sign of weakness, honesty is cowardice, love is meaningless, time for leisure is laziness, etc etc”
For a long time, all I remember is how much I criticized myself for not meeting these standards. How well I put myself down, oh boy, I should’ve won some kind of prize. I didn’t appreciate any of my qualities. I always focused on what I didn’t have or what I was missing or what I had in excess.
It wasn’t until I discovered meditation that my old story and belief patterns were able to melt away and I could fall into the truth of who I am.
How you perceive yourself creates the filter, the lens through which you see everything… your entire world. How you see others is a reflection of how you see yourself. So if you see yourself as unworthy, you are going to seek worthiness in places and people…. and that just isn’t healthy. Trust me, I know.
But when we see ourselves as beings of energy, of love, of peace, beauty and bliss…. we allow ourselves to shine and we give permission to the other person to do so as well.
I now follow a specific spiritual path. Practicing Raja Yoga meditation, dedicating myself to serving others, having a focus of self-study and personal growth in order to be an example through my dharna. Being a part of a spiritual family and transcending the human form to become who we once were: Shaktis. This practice is my life and this is where the inspiration for my article comes from.

This path brings you face to face with the best and the worst in you. Your old story comes up and claws into you trying to hold on for dear life. This old story contains all our weakness and vices. All our sins and crimes.

It is not enough to just recognize them. The objective is to leave them behind. To destroy that which no longer serves you so you can make room for the light. To say it’s an emotional roller-coaster is an understatement. Fear  will appear like a knight in shining armor convinced that is has come to save you!
What I’ve found is that we can’t focus on our weaknesses, but rather our strengths. The stronger we are, the stronger the opposition. In order to stop identifying ourselves with our weaknesses we need to start to identify with our strengths, our innate qualities, our virtues, our powers. The more we connect with the wholeness that we are, the more we close the door to our faults. 
I have recently buried three very important weaknesses in my life. Each one of us knows who our monsters are and what they look like. These are mine. Thank you all for coming to their funeral:

My doubts


You are like this grey cloud in my head. Literally inside. And not only do you rain down on me, you constantly pass judgment! You are the birthplace of my confusion, my insecurity and my lack of decision-making.

You are the reason I always second guess myself. Why I don’t have trust or faith.

Where did you come from? Sometimes you feel like a lost boy. I wish I could get you home.

Sometimes you disguise yourself as intelligence (rational or emotional). But the truth is that I always see through you. I know you but I let you take over anyway. You always make it seem like I have more to lose than to gain. But I have clarity now, I have love and I have light. I have power. You feel smaller now, but you’re still there… surviving.

Maybe if you let go, it will liberate you. Maybe at the bottom of that abyss is your home, who knows?

I think you should go. I don’t need you anymore. Thank you for our time. You really forced me to fight hard against you so… thank you. But really, you can go now. I’ll be just fine without you.


My guilt


You’re like a husband I never had.

That old ball & chain.

I’ve dragged you around for as long as I can remember.

I sometimes think I was born with you.

But what good have you done me?

You come to me as self-pity and I wallow in you.

I used to consider you my conscience.

You’d be the one to tell me what was right and what was wrong.

But to you, everything I wanted was wrong.

You told me I was selfish. You even told me to stop wanting things. That I could live without having anything. That I had to learn to appreciate what I had. That there was happiness and reward in sacrifice. That by following you, I was being humble and noble.

What kind of bias conscience are you? My whole life I felt remorse for not doing or being what others wanted me to be and you… oh, you had a party with that. Every time I was about to make a decision for myself and my happiness, I envisioned how it would impact others and boom! You exploded like a supernova in my heart. Why couldn’t I just want what others wanted me to want for myself? You made me hate that I was different. What is so wrong with wanting to live life just for me? Why is it my duty, my obligation to fulfill all the expectations put on me? Last time I checked, I wasn’t a fairy. So why do you keep suffocating me? How can I fly with your weight holding my soul down like gravity? I don’t know how to get rid of you yet, but for now I’ve learned a neat trick. I learned that I can reverse you. Instead of feeling you when I let others down, I will only feel you when I let myself down. You will only haunt me when I am not being true to myself. To my beliefs. You will also have a companion from now on. Her name is compassion.


My fears


I have carried you around for so long. You’ve become like an old friend that’s no good for me yet one I choose over others who are more worthy.

You keep me in the dark, and the hardest part is that I know the light. I’ve seen it. I recognize it. But you make it seem out of reach for me.

How long do you intend on keeping me prisoner?

You take the joy out of life. You blind me. Turn me into something I’m not.

You make me ugly and small. I’m tired of waiting for you to release me. I kept thinking that if I grew up, matured, and deepened my knowledge in spirituality that you would let me go. But NO. Here you are.

Gate keeper of my happiness and freedom.

I now realize that it was never your responsibility to release me.

I had to release YOU.

I had the power all along.

But I know you. You’re going to try to come back to me. That’s alright. I’ll never forget whose boss again.

You are not my friend. You don’t keep me safe. You keep me locked in a cage.

I’m letting you go. I’ll take the risk of being hurt or rejected or unloved or defeated.

Whatever comes my way, I’ll face it. My happiness is worth the risk.

My freedom is worth fearlessness.

I suffer from F.O.B.S {& more confessions…}

I’ve procrastinated for over 2 weeks deliberating whether or not to write this article. Alas, here I am.

This is going to be a tad different from other posts. I’m going to get more personal and intimate with you. More open, more honest.

Am I a positive person? Hell yes.

Am I spiritual? I am constantly practicing spirituality.

Am I kind? The older I get, the kinder I get.

Am I good? As good as I want to be on a good day.

Am I perfect? No freaking way.

I am human after all.

Could I be better? Yes.

Could I be happier? Indeed.

Could I be more stable in my emotions? Absolutely!

Could I achieve great things? Yes. Yes. Yes.

What’s stopping me?

That is what we’re going to talk about today…

You see, I think that ever since childhood I’ve suffered from this particular syndrome.

I call it the F.O.B.S, i.e:

THE FEAR OF BEING SEEN

 

Just by hearing this, you can probably relate. Maybe it made you smile or shy away. Either way, I know I’m not alone in this.

The Fear of Being Seen Syndrome has plagued me my whole life.

Imagine that you are the sole owner of the biggest, brightest, clearest and finest diamond in the entire world. What do you do? Wear it around your neck everywhere you go? Or keep it somewhere hidden where you know it will be safe?

Now imagine, that diamond… is you. You are this beautiful, one of a kind gem. You’re priceless. So what do you do? Do you put yourself out there, lay your truth bare, stand naked in Times Square to show off your radiance? No… you hide it. You keep it safe. You protect it. Or at least that’s what you tell yourself…

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All these years, it’s what I told myself. I was SO AFRAID of being seen. Of someone discovering the REAL me. Of being recognized for who I really am. Of being noticed for my kindness, my thoughts, my words, my deeds, and most importantly…. My heart.

Yet, at the same time, I was DYING for someone to see beyond what I would show. Like some magic stare from some magical person could break through all the falsities and just see… me. If it happened like that, I would know that I was safe.

Ultimately, it was a fear of being hurt, rejected, judged, criticized, also a fear or raising the bar of expectations (for others and myself), a fear of not being able to go backwards, a fear of not recognizing myself, of losing the relationship I had with me. A fear of being inadequate, of not feeling like enough….. Basically, the entire dictionary of fears!

No matter what I did, I couldn’t shake these fears off my shoulders. I collected all my insecurities like jewelry and decorated myself with them.

For years I felt heavy. Unaware of the invisible weight I was carrying around with me. (not to mention the additional physical weight of top of that!)

It took me YEARS and I mean that literally to gain some perspective, some self-love and self-respect.

To love myself, want myself and choose myself the way I wanted others to.

It took me decades to value and appreciate my strengths, my talents, my gifts, my AWESOMENESS!

Like I am a GREAT listener (seriously, ask anybody), If you’re my friend you know you can always count on me, I’m a giving lover, I’m a challenging daughter (in a  good way hahaha, I love you Ma & Pa), I’m a grateful traveler, a pretty rad teacher. However, there are things I want to try that push me outside of that attractive comfort zone so I keep procrastinating because secretly I am terrified of trying new things (yup). For example, my friends tell me I have a really nice voice and I’ve got a knack for storytelling. I actually love to tell stories. However, making videos or starting a podcast intimidates me. (plus im not as technologically savvy as I seem…. You see what happened right there? Another limiting belief… * mental delete*)

These are things that I push through, little by little, piece by piece, day by day, until the puzzle is complete.

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I KNOW I have so much more to offer, to give away, to learn, to see, to be. Sometimes during my meditations I feel this power surge through me, begging me to be released. How? Where? Into what? These are the current questions that plague me.

How do I reach a state of full expression? Without limitations or restrictions?

How do I let myself show, completely, unapologetically, openly, strongly, and wholeheartedly?

How do I let go of my fear of being more that what I thought I was capable of?

How do I fall into all this gorgeous glory?

Gosh, does it really belong to me?

YES!!!! Because IT IS ME!

So, I guess, my advice to you after all these years of searching and hurting and growing and breaking and learning is the following:

Life is a story and you are the main character. You can choose to be the hero, the villain or the victim.

But ultimately, it’s your choice. You can hold so many titles. Play so many characters. Just choose the one that fits you best.

Every day I choose to be the hero. The warrior. The kindness agent. The dream maker. The philosopher. The gardener. The healer. The photographer. The artist. The musician. The nomad. The label breaker. The seamstress. The butterfly. The leaf. The sun rays. The treasure. The diamond. The student. The guest. The star. The instrument. The raindrop. The feather. The cloud. The ocean. The rock. The scientist. The lotus. The dragon. The swan. The passenger. The key. The pearl. The projector. The blank page. The entire damn Saga.

You are a soul. You are Concentrated Energy. Know this. Know the light that you hold. The power within.

Know your worth. Discover you’re limitless. Admire yourself.

You are everything you have ever searched for

You are Love

You are Peace

You are Happiness

You are Truth

You are Beauty

You are Bliss

Know this

Feel this

Be this

And allow yourself to shine through

All the fears and BS around you

Just…

Be.

Dear Reader,

I beg of you…

Remember your divinity.

 

{this article was mad scary to write so please be gentle with your comments. My big, open, heart would appreciate it. Thanks}

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I’ll Never be enough…

Have you EVER said this to yourself?

I’ll never be…

good enough

smart enough

pretty enough

thin enough

just… not enough.

I wish I could say I don’t have these thoughts about myself anymore, but every now and then they pop up to remind me of the limiting beliefs I used to hold as true.

Now I know just a little better…

Now I know that no matter what or when, I am ALWAYS enough.

It’s not even something I need to be, it is something I am inherently.

It’s my fears, my self-doubts, my poor self-esteem that keep me from seeing me for all that I am and for appreciating myself just as I am.

 

Doesn’t it hurt?

When you’re unkind to yourself?

Don’t you start to feel even worse?

Negative attracts negative. It’s a downward spiral from there. I know this feeling. I’ve seen myself fall down the ladder so many times. Gosh.

But you want to know the beautiful part? The really satisfying part? The empowering moment? It’s that split second. That instant where you make a decision to say NO to the self-loathing and YES to the self-loving. It’s getting up from your knees to make a stand again. It’s facing… everything. Including yourself. It’s the star of courage you earn, and the scar of gold etched onto your heart that makes it bearable.

YOU, my dear, are special. You probably already know that, maybe you’re sick of hearing it but I am telling you what I think about YOU and i know for a fact that…

YOU ARE SO SPECIAL!

You are one of a kind. No one on this planet can replace you. You have a unique gift for the world that only you can share. You are an explosive miracle!

Don’t believe me? Listen here to Jim Carrey…

So my dear, beautiful, kindred brother or sister, you beautiful soul… I urge you today to make the right choice.

No matter the problem or situation… Choose LOVE!

Share yourself with the Universe. Be that ocean in a drop.

self lveo

 

Choose YOU. Because you are so worth it!

lovemyself

 

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02/02 UPDATE: Don’t you just love SERENDIPITY? One day after my post, a brilliant article was posted on Elephant Journal. The subject matter was:

5 Truths to Remember when you Feel like you are Not Enough

Also, this amazing photo showed up on my feed:

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The Universe is conspiring lovely one. Feel it. Breathe it. Use it. Share it.

 

Video

A Treasure Find

This was a true gift to me. A friend of mine emailed this to me and I was grateful that I had someone who cared about me, who thinks about me enough to share something as beautiful as this short film with me.
I’d like to pay it forward and share it with you in the hopes that you watch it and it brings a Smile to your face =]

PS – I’d like to give you a challenge if i may.

Compliment one person today.

It could be anyone and in any way. But be honest with your words. And speak from your heart. Let someone know you love them, appreciate them, respect them and admire them. There’s no such thing as too much.

I love you.
I appreciate you.
I respect you.
I admire you.

You need to watch this.

 

Ever since I saw this documentary two days ago I have been living in a state of perpetual bliss. I have only been expressing and sharing the very best of myself. And there’s an unbelievable reason as to why which you will find out once you see it for yourself. I invite you to watch it. If you don’t know how or where to get it, message me. After you’ve seen it, message me too! I wanna know what you think, how you feel now that you know.

They are some fundamental laws of the Universe perfectly expressed in there that we should never, ever forget to remember 🙂

Birds in the sky you know how I feel…

Today I’m in a love mood =]

Which is funny because I have no reason to be. I’m stuck in this relationship limbo place. I’m in one country, my partner is in another. We’re away from each other, things didn’t really end so well when we left… I cried my heart out when we said goodbye but somehow… she’s still in my life. I got a message from her today saying she misses me. It’s always heart warming to know someone, somewhere is thinking of you. Especially if it’s someone you can close your eyes and imagine full-bodied in front of you, trace their skin with your fingers if you wanted to. Someone who has railroads tattooed just so your train would pass through.

Today I’m in a good mood. I’m hopeful. I feel like I can challenge the world. Today I can take criticism with a smile. Today you can try to bring me down, you can try to bully me with your words and your silence but i won’t crumble. I won’t fall. Today I am confident. I am optimistic. Today I am the sky. I am the moon. I am the sea. I am you. And you are me.

“You are the sky.

Everything else – it’s just the weather.”

Pema Chödrön

My dream…

Today I woke up full of awe with my life. Today I am full of inspiration and good intentions. I’m exploding from each of my seams with dreams. This life is short and I want to live it to my fullest potential and I am aware of how limitless that potential can be. They’re so many thing that I would like to do, to give, to put out there. I want to create… I want to put something into the world that wasn’t there before, because only I can bring it to life. But the rushing flood of excitement and albeit good intentions overwhelm me sometimes and I don’t know where to start. I’m stuck at the dreaming part…

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Discover yourself!

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“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”

– Albert Einstein

 

Have you ever made a mistake but it turned out to be the best thing that has ever happened to you?  I don’t know about you but I definitely have. I’m a firm believer that mistakes are experiences that life throws us to learn something and help us grow.

“To err is human” as Alexander Pope said. I constantly make mistakes. Sometimes they’re trivial and harmless, like taking a wrong turn or dating a guy YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART is just NO GOOD for you! Sometimes they’re bigger mistakes that leave an indelible mark on us forever & sometimes they’re exactly what we should be doing.  

My point is that we give mistakes more power than they’re worth. Since we were children we’ve been making mistakes. We’ve been doing the wrong thing, tripping over the same stone over and over again to get to where we’re going. You will always make mistakes. Life is not about NEVER making a mistake, it’s about learning from it. So that you can move forward, develop yourself and become the person you were meant to be. You will learn so much more from a mistake or a failure then you ever will from success or complacence.

So don’t be afraid to make a mistake, be more afraid to NOT make one. That means that you’re letting you fear take control over your life and keep you right where you are… in that little comfort zone I’ve talked so much about.

Trust yourself, trust the universe, that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.

Good luck! =)

 

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Your Comfort Zone

“Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.”

– James Bryant Conant

I realized that a while a go, they’re a lot of things that I would have liked to be doing in life that I wasn’t… At first, the excuses readily started to pile up “I have no time”, “It’s not worth it”, “Maybe next time” were the famous appearances. But now, I try not to lie to myself as often as I used to before. So in the effort of trying to be more honest with myself I started to really examine why I wasn’t doing certain things that I really wanted.

Zumba lessons, yoga, pilates… they are all things that I’ve wanted to try but i just could never get myself through the doors of the gym and into a class. Playing soccer is another example. I love football. In high school, there was an inter-school sports competition and I was forced to join the team. I fell in love with the sport. I would love to take it up again. I would love to do sky diving, white water rafting, tango lessons, bungee jumping, living on my own, going to the beach without covering up, but when it comes to making an actual effort to do these things, I can’t. Why not? Well, it’s a tall cocktail mix of self-consciousness, anxiety, fear and laziness. What if I’m not good enough? What if people laugh at me? What if something bad happens? I’m self-conscious about my weight issues, so I hate going to places like the gym or the beach where you’re surrounded by beautiful bodies and your imperfections are on display. Honestly, it’s such an uncomfortable experience for me. It’s not even just the places, it’s the people too. Family and friends always look at you with judgment or pity in their eyes. And who do i have to blame for that? No one but myself. Hence the self-loathing and guilt. Why don’t I do something about it? I try. But as soon as it starts it’s finished. I’ve never been able to keep up a diet or a workout plan or anything that would remotely help me. And eventually, I started to accept that this was the way I was and there was nothing I could do about it… And that’s how it’s been for years since. Why am i talking all this negativity when i’m supposed to be spreading positivity? Because to know where you’re going, you must first know where you came from…. Everybody has a history. But their history shouldn’t define their present or their future.

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I’m changing all of that now, even with the fear and anxiety and self-consciousness I PUSH myself out of my comfort zone and into the world, where all the magic happens. And once you get there, you realize it’s not as scary as you first thought. I realized I couldn’t wait until I felt “comfortable” enough to do these things. I just had to do them. It took every ounce of courage in me to get out my car and walk through the front door of my gym without feeling like a complete outcast. It reminded me of my first day at high school. I was TERRIFIED that I would end up a victim of a bullying ring. But just like in high school, nothing of the sort happened. In fact, I was loved in high school. I was different from everyone else, but that difference was embraced and loved. I had the most magical years of school. If I could get through the first day of high school I can get through the first day of zumba don’t you think? I walked in with my head down, up the stairs and straight to my class. Once I got there, I realized how varied the crowd was. They were mainly women from all ages and sizes and colors. Everyone smiled and welcomed me to the class and we started to dance. After it was over, I couldn’t believe how much time and energy I had wasted working myself up against this. It was amazing!!! I go 3 times a week now and I love it. I’ve also tried yoga and pilates and discovered that pilates isn’t for me. List I said in an earlier post, I have a checklist now. And with the life that I have, I’m going to make sure that I live with no regrets. So I urge you to STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE just for once. I completely understand how it feels, but life makes it so worth it. You will never know how amazing something can turn out to be. In the words of Coldplay “If you never try, then you’ll never know.”

So good luck to you. Stick your neck out!!!