A song for the Empath Heart

I’ve been MIA for quite a while. Work, Life, Family, Duty, Responsibility… all that gruelling stuff left me empty. Usually I’m better at handling these things, but it’s that time…retrograde, internal shifts, personal transformation, my body replacing every cell… and it snuffed the wind out of me. I felt tired, drained, empty.

How do you write from a space of emptiness? How do you share? How do you connect?

You don’t.

I knew I had to do something to get me out of the funk I was in. So you might’ve noticed the site is a bit different 🙂

Also, I’ve joined a writing course. It’s 30 questions in 3o days hosted by the striking Jeannette Leblanc.

We’re now onto day 8 I think or day 10? I’m not quite sure. I don’t write everyday… I haven’t been able to keep up with the questions but I love that I have them and I when I find the time I sit with them.

Today, I’d like to share what I wrote in response to the question of day 4. I didn’t expect it to come out the way it did. It seems like an ode or a pledge or a motto for empaths everywhere.

The art of writing what you’re feeling is pure magic. when someone shoots you with a question that hits as straight as a bullet you can do nothing but take the blow and let it flow…

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Question 4: Do you feel it is a weight or privilege to feel the world as deeply as you do? When it gets to be too much, how do you cope?

For years, the ignorance of being an empath felt like a curse. I prayed for someone else to notice too. If there was a fire, at least it’s something you could see and smell, you’d react immediately. Call whoever you call in emergencies.

I pray for a world, for a future where a broken heart is treated just as gently as a broken arm. Where we don’t need bravery to stand up and say to someone else “I’m not okay”. A future where our health plan includes mental sick days. None of us are really, truly okay. We’re all just trying our best. Falling down and getting back up again.

Let’s be more compassionate. More honest. More open. How sad it is that we can hide it so well, that they are masks big enough and strong enough to hold all the shame, the guilt, the doubt, the fear within. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?! I probably asked myself this question about a hundred times. Why are we so far from where we want to be, why do we pretend to be okay, what the hell does that mean anyway?!

I look at the old man sleeping on the streets and I know the drug addiction doesn’t let him think of much else, but I once knew him and he wasn’t always like this. He would be happy even if he had no home, no food or clothes, he’d be happy if he could get his daughter to look at him again. That’s the weight….

But you see that secretary at the bank? You could never tell but she loves to smile and let her hair down and go wild. Oh, you gotta see her dance. See that school teacher? He secretly thinks all his students are superheroes. That single mother? You don’t need to worry about her. Lorelai Gilmore is her role model. That teenager that hides her face under her dark black hair? She’s the smartest girl in the room. She’s going to grow up to do great things, just give it time. That’s the privilege.

I wouldn’t have it any other way. That’s just the way it is. We’ve been experiencing dichotomy ever since we entered these bodies. I’ve made my peace with the duality. If you want to feel, you gotta let it all in. I’ll admit it does get to be too much. I feel defeated at times. I’m waving the white flag but nothing… the war goes on.

What do I do? I retreat. I go inward. I go silent. I go numb. I go deaf. I go dumb…. Other times I break open, spill my heart out on the asphalt, I watch as little flowers grow along the sidewalk where the cracks once used to be. Other times I am the embodiment of mercy. I give what I have, I give what I don’t have, I give until it bleeds. I give it all away.

Most of all, I just sit and close my eyes and envision the light. I smile as I begin to feel the vibe of the beauty and love within me. the softness with which I think, act and speak. The power I have to fill myself with what I need. I am the best of me, I am the answer I seek. My fire burns fiery, deeply, kindly and honestly. Can you see it? That light in you. Does it ache for love, peace and truth too? Wake up and ignite with me. Will you burn with me, my friend? Let our fire guide the innocent and the lost. Heal the wounded and the broken. Let us rekindle trust. Let us bring back hope. Let us show hearts how to find their way back home. I cannot do it alone.

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A Wake for my Weaknesses

 

“I would rather die a meaningful death than to live a meaningless life.”
Corazon Aquino
I am always first to admit when I make a mistake. I have no pride holding me back from recognizing that I am flawed. After all, I am human. But I am also divine. And I am now learning how to live from this divine nature within me…
For me this hasn’t been easy since I am someone prone to playing the victim role. There is always something or someone else to blame for what is happening to me…
I come from a line of toxic family beliefs: “money is the best indicator of success, vulnerability is a sign of weakness, honesty is cowardice, love is meaningless, time for leisure is laziness, etc etc”
For a long time, all I remember is how much I criticized myself for not meeting these standards. How well I put myself down, oh boy, I should’ve won some kind of prize. I didn’t appreciate any of my qualities. I always focused on what I didn’t have or what I was missing or what I had in excess.
It wasn’t until I discovered meditation that my old story and belief patterns were able to melt away and I could fall into the truth of who I am.
How you perceive yourself creates the filter, the lens through which you see everything… your entire world. How you see others is a reflection of how you see yourself. So if you see yourself as unworthy, you are going to seek worthiness in places and people…. and that just isn’t healthy. Trust me, I know.
But when we see ourselves as beings of energy, of love, of peace, beauty and bliss…. we allow ourselves to shine and we give permission to the other person to do so as well.
I now follow a specific spiritual path. Practicing Raja Yoga meditation, dedicating myself to serving others, having a focus of self-study and personal growth in order to be an example through my dharna. Being a part of a spiritual family and transcending the human form to become who we once were: Shaktis. This practice is my life and this is where the inspiration for my article comes from.

This path brings you face to face with the best and the worst in you. Your old story comes up and claws into you trying to hold on for dear life. This old story contains all our weakness and vices. All our sins and crimes.

It is not enough to just recognize them. The objective is to leave them behind. To destroy that which no longer serves you so you can make room for the light. To say it’s an emotional roller-coaster is an understatement. Fear  will appear like a knight in shining armor convinced that is has come to save you!
What I’ve found is that we can’t focus on our weaknesses, but rather our strengths. The stronger we are, the stronger the opposition. In order to stop identifying ourselves with our weaknesses we need to start to identify with our strengths, our innate qualities, our virtues, our powers. The more we connect with the wholeness that we are, the more we close the door to our faults. 
I have recently buried three very important weaknesses in my life. Each one of us knows who our monsters are and what they look like. These are mine. Thank you all for coming to their funeral:

My doubts


You are like this grey cloud in my head. Literally inside. And not only do you rain down on me, you constantly pass judgment! You are the birthplace of my confusion, my insecurity and my lack of decision-making.

You are the reason I always second guess myself. Why I don’t have trust or faith.

Where did you come from? Sometimes you feel like a lost boy. I wish I could get you home.

Sometimes you disguise yourself as intelligence (rational or emotional). But the truth is that I always see through you. I know you but I let you take over anyway. You always make it seem like I have more to lose than to gain. But I have clarity now, I have love and I have light. I have power. You feel smaller now, but you’re still there… surviving.

Maybe if you let go, it will liberate you. Maybe at the bottom of that abyss is your home, who knows?

I think you should go. I don’t need you anymore. Thank you for our time. You really forced me to fight hard against you so… thank you. But really, you can go now. I’ll be just fine without you.


My guilt


You’re like a husband I never had.

That old ball & chain.

I’ve dragged you around for as long as I can remember.

I sometimes think I was born with you.

But what good have you done me?

You come to me as self-pity and I wallow in you.

I used to consider you my conscience.

You’d be the one to tell me what was right and what was wrong.

But to you, everything I wanted was wrong.

You told me I was selfish. You even told me to stop wanting things. That I could live without having anything. That I had to learn to appreciate what I had. That there was happiness and reward in sacrifice. That by following you, I was being humble and noble.

What kind of bias conscience are you? My whole life I felt remorse for not doing or being what others wanted me to be and you… oh, you had a party with that. Every time I was about to make a decision for myself and my happiness, I envisioned how it would impact others and boom! You exploded like a supernova in my heart. Why couldn’t I just want what others wanted me to want for myself? You made me hate that I was different. What is so wrong with wanting to live life just for me? Why is it my duty, my obligation to fulfill all the expectations put on me? Last time I checked, I wasn’t a fairy. So why do you keep suffocating me? How can I fly with your weight holding my soul down like gravity? I don’t know how to get rid of you yet, but for now I’ve learned a neat trick. I learned that I can reverse you. Instead of feeling you when I let others down, I will only feel you when I let myself down. You will only haunt me when I am not being true to myself. To my beliefs. You will also have a companion from now on. Her name is compassion.


My fears


I have carried you around for so long. You’ve become like an old friend that’s no good for me yet one I choose over others who are more worthy.

You keep me in the dark, and the hardest part is that I know the light. I’ve seen it. I recognize it. But you make it seem out of reach for me.

How long do you intend on keeping me prisoner?

You take the joy out of life. You blind me. Turn me into something I’m not.

You make me ugly and small. I’m tired of waiting for you to release me. I kept thinking that if I grew up, matured, and deepened my knowledge in spirituality that you would let me go. But NO. Here you are.

Gate keeper of my happiness and freedom.

I now realize that it was never your responsibility to release me.

I had to release YOU.

I had the power all along.

But I know you. You’re going to try to come back to me. That’s alright. I’ll never forget whose boss again.

You are not my friend. You don’t keep me safe. You keep me locked in a cage.

I’m letting you go. I’ll take the risk of being hurt or rejected or unloved or defeated.

Whatever comes my way, I’ll face it. My happiness is worth the risk.

My freedom is worth fearlessness.

I suffer from F.O.B.S {& more confessions…}

I’ve procrastinated for over 2 weeks deliberating whether or not to write this article. Alas, here I am.

This is going to be a tad different from other posts. I’m going to get more personal and intimate with you. More open, more honest.

Am I a positive person? Hell yes.

Am I spiritual? I am constantly practicing spirituality.

Am I kind? The older I get, the kinder I get.

Am I good? As good as I want to be on a good day.

Am I perfect? No freaking way.

I am human after all.

Could I be better? Yes.

Could I be happier? Indeed.

Could I be more stable in my emotions? Absolutely!

Could I achieve great things? Yes. Yes. Yes.

What’s stopping me?

That is what we’re going to talk about today…

You see, I think that ever since childhood I’ve suffered from this particular syndrome.

I call it the F.O.B.S, i.e:

THE FEAR OF BEING SEEN

 

Just by hearing this, you can probably relate. Maybe it made you smile or shy away. Either way, I know I’m not alone in this.

The Fear of Being Seen Syndrome has plagued me my whole life.

Imagine that you are the sole owner of the biggest, brightest, clearest and finest diamond in the entire world. What do you do? Wear it around your neck everywhere you go? Or keep it somewhere hidden where you know it will be safe?

Now imagine, that diamond… is you. You are this beautiful, one of a kind gem. You’re priceless. So what do you do? Do you put yourself out there, lay your truth bare, stand naked in Times Square to show off your radiance? No… you hide it. You keep it safe. You protect it. Or at least that’s what you tell yourself…

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All these years, it’s what I told myself. I was SO AFRAID of being seen. Of someone discovering the REAL me. Of being recognized for who I really am. Of being noticed for my kindness, my thoughts, my words, my deeds, and most importantly…. My heart.

Yet, at the same time, I was DYING for someone to see beyond what I would show. Like some magic stare from some magical person could break through all the falsities and just see… me. If it happened like that, I would know that I was safe.

Ultimately, it was a fear of being hurt, rejected, judged, criticized, also a fear or raising the bar of expectations (for others and myself), a fear of not being able to go backwards, a fear of not recognizing myself, of losing the relationship I had with me. A fear of being inadequate, of not feeling like enough….. Basically, the entire dictionary of fears!

No matter what I did, I couldn’t shake these fears off my shoulders. I collected all my insecurities like jewelry and decorated myself with them.

For years I felt heavy. Unaware of the invisible weight I was carrying around with me. (not to mention the additional physical weight of top of that!)

It took me YEARS and I mean that literally to gain some perspective, some self-love and self-respect.

To love myself, want myself and choose myself the way I wanted others to.

It took me decades to value and appreciate my strengths, my talents, my gifts, my AWESOMENESS!

Like I am a GREAT listener (seriously, ask anybody), If you’re my friend you know you can always count on me, I’m a giving lover, I’m a challenging daughter (in a  good way hahaha, I love you Ma & Pa), I’m a grateful traveler, a pretty rad teacher. However, there are things I want to try that push me outside of that attractive comfort zone so I keep procrastinating because secretly I am terrified of trying new things (yup). For example, my friends tell me I have a really nice voice and I’ve got a knack for storytelling. I actually love to tell stories. However, making videos or starting a podcast intimidates me. (plus im not as technologically savvy as I seem…. You see what happened right there? Another limiting belief… * mental delete*)

These are things that I push through, little by little, piece by piece, day by day, until the puzzle is complete.

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I KNOW I have so much more to offer, to give away, to learn, to see, to be. Sometimes during my meditations I feel this power surge through me, begging me to be released. How? Where? Into what? These are the current questions that plague me.

How do I reach a state of full expression? Without limitations or restrictions?

How do I let myself show, completely, unapologetically, openly, strongly, and wholeheartedly?

How do I let go of my fear of being more that what I thought I was capable of?

How do I fall into all this gorgeous glory?

Gosh, does it really belong to me?

YES!!!! Because IT IS ME!

So, I guess, my advice to you after all these years of searching and hurting and growing and breaking and learning is the following:

Life is a story and you are the main character. You can choose to be the hero, the villain or the victim.

But ultimately, it’s your choice. You can hold so many titles. Play so many characters. Just choose the one that fits you best.

Every day I choose to be the hero. The warrior. The kindness agent. The dream maker. The philosopher. The gardener. The healer. The photographer. The artist. The musician. The nomad. The label breaker. The seamstress. The butterfly. The leaf. The sun rays. The treasure. The diamond. The student. The guest. The star. The instrument. The raindrop. The feather. The cloud. The ocean. The rock. The scientist. The lotus. The dragon. The swan. The passenger. The key. The pearl. The projector. The blank page. The entire damn Saga.

You are a soul. You are Concentrated Energy. Know this. Know the light that you hold. The power within.

Know your worth. Discover you’re limitless. Admire yourself.

You are everything you have ever searched for

You are Love

You are Peace

You are Happiness

You are Truth

You are Beauty

You are Bliss

Know this

Feel this

Be this

And allow yourself to shine through

All the fears and BS around you

Just…

Be.

Dear Reader,

I beg of you…

Remember your divinity.

 

{this article was mad scary to write so please be gentle with your comments. My big, open, heart would appreciate it. Thanks}

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A Love Letter to my Heart…

I have a question for you: Have you ever heard your heart? Have you ever heard the intricacies of it…how loudly it beats, how it accelerates, if it ever trembles and if it ever cries? It was my birthday this weekend, and as a birthday gift I had participated in a Silence Retreat just outside of the city of Santiago, in a place called Portillo in Chile. It’s usually a destination for ski enthusiasts during the winter, but right now the place was empty, deserted, awaiting the brave souls that were willing to venture out in silence in search of themselves. Even though I had many discoveries that I will share with you in the future during my week of silence, the one that really hit me, really spoke to me, opened me up, transformed me to the point of no return was… my heart.

A glimpse of Portillo...
A glimpse of Portillo…

I really heard it. Everything it is, everything it holds, everything it keeps, everything it gives. It was all there, so exposed to me now. I went to sleep to the sound of my beating heart and I woke up to it, when i felt an emotion, it was like feeling it in slow motion, I felt how the seed of the emotion grew from the center of my heart and expanded into every atom in my body, I even felt how it transcended my body and like a painter with a steady hand, painted the aura around me. I felt that. And then, after a few meditations and really embracing the silence, I heard it’s voice. The voice of Love was now a channel that was completely open to me. And we had so much catching up to do. I discovered just how much love I have inside me, in all its forms, for me and for everything and everyone else. And there is such a beauty, such wisdom, such delicacy when I think back on that moment. Because even though my chats with Love lasted a short span of time, it felt like forever. It still feels like forever.

Dialogue with Love...
Dialogue with Love…

Now Love isn’t quite hard to find you see, and it’s something we do quite often, I would say on a daily basis. If you are here and reading this then you’re probably like me and you probably Love as much as you Breathe. But we need to Listen. That is the key. In a world where we are losing our listening, that is harder and harder to do. But I implore you… wherever, whenever you can, seek the silence. For it is a space that you can fill with the echo of yourself. Where you can really hear yourself, and listen to yourself. Listen to your mind, listen to your thoughts, listen to your heart, listen to Love. If you have a question, you might get an answer or two. If you have a request, you might just find the courage. We must seek a relationship with ourselves, with our hearts, with our love in the same way that we seek relationships with others. In fact, we should be a priority. The more Love you have in you, the more you’re able to share. So, if this touches you in any way, let it be in this way: You are amazing. You are wonderful. You are wondrous. You are unexplored territory. There is so much within you waiting to be discovered. Dig. Dive. Look. Listen. Seek. And be amazed by the magnificence of your own Being. Namaste.

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The Loudness in Silence

The Loudness in Silence

I’ll be the first to admit that a long time ago I was afraid of being alone. It was a scary place to be. My mind was a constant moving train that would take me to endless places. If my emotions and my thoughts weren’t understood or controlled, I was taken on a surprise ride. I didn’t know when or where I’d end up. And most of the time it took me to dark places. It showed me things I wasn’t ready to face. I hated being alone but at the same time I hated being surrounded by people. I liked to be around people but at the same time be invisible. My environment would become a distraction to get out of my head for a minute. Then I had a mind-shift a few years back when I read and understood more about the power of my thoughts and emotions, about the Universe, about the important role of my interaction with others. Everything changed. Suddenly, I liked being alone. I welcomed it. I discovered meditation and I fell in love with it. I would spend countless hours alone with myself. But I wasn’t “avoiding” my reality, or “running away” from the world. I was discovering a new one. My own. It’s something that I still do up to this day and it has been the most amazing, inspiring, gratifying and humbling experience I’ve encountered. I’d like to think that the path I am on is thanks to being able to not only hear but also listen to my soul and its intention for me.
You will discover the synchronicity in the air and the alignment of the Universe when you start to act according to your soul.

 

A quick word of advice if you’re contemplating setting aside some good-old alone time for self-discovery.

1. The Ego will show up first. You will struggle with it. What you think is you achieving some kind of breakthrough is your Ego tricking you. The Ego has feelings and concerns too, if you can push past the barrier it creates you will discover a silence like never before.

2. Be prepared to be peaceful.

3. Be prepared to look at yourself in the mirror and not recognize the person staring back.

4. You are conducting a deliberate self-exploration experiment. Don’t go easy on yourself. If you turn a corner and don’t like what you see…keep walking. Because you know what? If you turn back, you’ll never discover the other things about you that you will LOVE.

5. Don’t forget your wings, you’ll need them once you takeoff.

Safe journey 🙂