A Wake for my Weaknesses

 

“I would rather die a meaningful death than to live a meaningless life.”
Corazon Aquino
I am always first to admit when I make a mistake. I have no pride holding me back from recognizing that I am flawed. After all, I am human. But I am also divine. And I am now learning how to live from this divine nature within me…
For me this hasn’t been easy since I am someone prone to playing the victim role. There is always something or someone else to blame for what is happening to me…
I come from a line of toxic family beliefs: “money is the best indicator of success, vulnerability is a sign of weakness, honesty is cowardice, love is meaningless, time for leisure is laziness, etc etc”
For a long time, all I remember is how much I criticized myself for not meeting these standards. How well I put myself down, oh boy, I should’ve won some kind of prize. I didn’t appreciate any of my qualities. I always focused on what I didn’t have or what I was missing or what I had in excess.
It wasn’t until I discovered meditation that my old story and belief patterns were able to melt away and I could fall into the truth of who I am.
How you perceive yourself creates the filter, the lens through which you see everything… your entire world. How you see others is a reflection of how you see yourself. So if you see yourself as unworthy, you are going to seek worthiness in places and people…. and that just isn’t healthy. Trust me, I know.
But when we see ourselves as beings of energy, of love, of peace, beauty and bliss…. we allow ourselves to shine and we give permission to the other person to do so as well.
I now follow a specific spiritual path. Practicing Raja Yoga meditation, dedicating myself to serving others, having a focus of self-study and personal growth in order to be an example through my dharna. Being a part of a spiritual family and transcending the human form to become who we once were: Shaktis. This practice is my life and this is where the inspiration for my article comes from.

This path brings you face to face with the best and the worst in you. Your old story comes up and claws into you trying to hold on for dear life. This old story contains all our weakness and vices. All our sins and crimes.

It is not enough to just recognize them. The objective is to leave them behind. To destroy that which no longer serves you so you can make room for the light. To say it’s an emotional roller-coaster is an understatement. Fear  will appear like a knight in shining armor convinced that is has come to save you!
What I’ve found is that we can’t focus on our weaknesses, but rather our strengths. The stronger we are, the stronger the opposition. In order to stop identifying ourselves with our weaknesses we need to start to identify with our strengths, our innate qualities, our virtues, our powers. The more we connect with the wholeness that we are, the more we close the door to our faults. 
I have recently buried three very important weaknesses in my life. Each one of us knows who our monsters are and what they look like. These are mine. Thank you all for coming to their funeral:

My doubts


You are like this grey cloud in my head. Literally inside. And not only do you rain down on me, you constantly pass judgment! You are the birthplace of my confusion, my insecurity and my lack of decision-making.

You are the reason I always second guess myself. Why I don’t have trust or faith.

Where did you come from? Sometimes you feel like a lost boy. I wish I could get you home.

Sometimes you disguise yourself as intelligence (rational or emotional). But the truth is that I always see through you. I know you but I let you take over anyway. You always make it seem like I have more to lose than to gain. But I have clarity now, I have love and I have light. I have power. You feel smaller now, but you’re still there… surviving.

Maybe if you let go, it will liberate you. Maybe at the bottom of that abyss is your home, who knows?

I think you should go. I don’t need you anymore. Thank you for our time. You really forced me to fight hard against you so… thank you. But really, you can go now. I’ll be just fine without you.


My guilt


You’re like a husband I never had.

That old ball & chain.

I’ve dragged you around for as long as I can remember.

I sometimes think I was born with you.

But what good have you done me?

You come to me as self-pity and I wallow in you.

I used to consider you my conscience.

You’d be the one to tell me what was right and what was wrong.

But to you, everything I wanted was wrong.

You told me I was selfish. You even told me to stop wanting things. That I could live without having anything. That I had to learn to appreciate what I had. That there was happiness and reward in sacrifice. That by following you, I was being humble and noble.

What kind of bias conscience are you? My whole life I felt remorse for not doing or being what others wanted me to be and you… oh, you had a party with that. Every time I was about to make a decision for myself and my happiness, I envisioned how it would impact others and boom! You exploded like a supernova in my heart. Why couldn’t I just want what others wanted me to want for myself? You made me hate that I was different. What is so wrong with wanting to live life just for me? Why is it my duty, my obligation to fulfill all the expectations put on me? Last time I checked, I wasn’t a fairy. So why do you keep suffocating me? How can I fly with your weight holding my soul down like gravity? I don’t know how to get rid of you yet, but for now I’ve learned a neat trick. I learned that I can reverse you. Instead of feeling you when I let others down, I will only feel you when I let myself down. You will only haunt me when I am not being true to myself. To my beliefs. You will also have a companion from now on. Her name is compassion.


My fears


I have carried you around for so long. You’ve become like an old friend that’s no good for me yet one I choose over others who are more worthy.

You keep me in the dark, and the hardest part is that I know the light. I’ve seen it. I recognize it. But you make it seem out of reach for me.

How long do you intend on keeping me prisoner?

You take the joy out of life. You blind me. Turn me into something I’m not.

You make me ugly and small. I’m tired of waiting for you to release me. I kept thinking that if I grew up, matured, and deepened my knowledge in spirituality that you would let me go. But NO. Here you are.

Gate keeper of my happiness and freedom.

I now realize that it was never your responsibility to release me.

I had to release YOU.

I had the power all along.

But I know you. You’re going to try to come back to me. That’s alright. I’ll never forget whose boss again.

You are not my friend. You don’t keep me safe. You keep me locked in a cage.

I’m letting you go. I’ll take the risk of being hurt or rejected or unloved or defeated.

Whatever comes my way, I’ll face it. My happiness is worth the risk.

My freedom is worth fearlessness.
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The Pain of Perception

 

Check out the girl in this photo. How does she look to you?

If you had to describe the picture in one word what would it be?

Did any of the following words come to mind: Fat, Ugly, Insecure, Unworthy.

Probably not.

Here’s the deal. The girl in the pic? That’s me… about 3 years ago.

I was by a beach on the east coast of Argentina. They were truly happy days for me. But… what you probably don’t know and can’t pick up from this photo is how much self-loathing I had for myself.

You see… I write about love. Especially self-love… not because I am some hippie obsessed with love but because I KNOW what it’s like to be without love and the difference it makes to have love and further more, to recognize that you ARE love.

For years, I did not love myself. I hated my body, I hated the way I looked, the incessant hair that grew on my arms and face, I hated the clothes I had to wear because I was a girl, I pretty much disliked everything about me.

In my entire family, I felt like I was the only one who was overweight. I was also the only tomboy. The odd one. The black sheep. I didn’t want to get married so I was defying my parent’s principles and expectations and maybe even the illusion of their purpose for existence. Outcast. Marginalized. Rebel. But it didn’t make me proud. It hurt. It ached. But the truth was stronger than the pain. I knew I had to keep moving forward. And so I did… despite the opposition. I didn’t realize how brave that was.

But I looked at that picture above and I couldn’t help but laugh! I love that photo. It’s so beautiful. They’re a couple of pictures where you see a purple ring around me, a lot people say it’s my aura! It’s almost as if you could see the soul.

But you know what? During that moment, all I remember is how much I criticized myself. How well I put myself down, oh boy, I should’ve won some kind of prize. I didn’t appreciate my beauty. Not just physical. In general. I always focused on what I didn’t have or what I was missing or what I had in excess. Funny enough, now when I look at photos from the past all I can see is the beauty!

How could I not notice the beauty? I hope I am not coming across as vein now, haha, but really… honestly… if you guys knew how much I beat myself up for not fitting into a stereotype you would understand how elated I feel now to notice that I never had to. That it was so superficial. That I was never in competition with anyone. All I had to do is be me. I wish I could go back in time to the girl I was and appreciate her! Life would be so different…

But.. I am here now. Honoring myself. My beauty, my mind, my heart, my energy.

When I see that photo now, I remember that the girl in that photo, as flawed as she thinks she is, she is also beautiful. So beautiful, so free, so loving, so kind, so generous, so independent, so deep, so spontaneous and full of life! This is her essence.

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I can’t stress it enough. How you perceive yourself creates the filter, the lens through which you see everything… your entire world. How you see others is a reflection of how you see yourself. So if you see yourself as unworthy, you are going to seek worthiness in places and people…. and that just isn’t healthy. Trust me, I know.

The worst part is… no one can get you to do it. No matter how hard I try… I can’t make you love you. You have to decide to. Just like I did. One day, you just wake up and decide you are going to be loving and gentle and kind with your body, your heart and your mind.

So, whether you are a self-loving enthusiast, on the path or not there yet, know that I am here to support you in your journey. Because this is a journey. So don’t rush to get to the destination. All will come in due time. For now, observe yourself. Start noticing how you talk to yourself. How you communicate with your inner world. We think it’s okay because no one can hear us but we’re wrong. WE hear it. So just notice…. and find one thing about yourself that you absolutely LOVE. Like really, really love. Write it down, paint it, dance it, sing it, remix it, collage it, instagram or twitter it and bask in the joy of it!

Happy Sunday ❤

lovemyself

If you would like to hear me go on and on about Love check out some of my previous posts! I will leave the links below:

An open love letter to my Heart

Let Love In

Same Love

You are LOVED

Higher Love

Strength in Vulnerability

I’ll Never Be Enough

Give your heartstrings a tug..

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I suffer from F.O.B.S {& more confessions…}

I’ve procrastinated for over 2 weeks deliberating whether or not to write this article. Alas, here I am.

This is going to be a tad different from other posts. I’m going to get more personal and intimate with you. More open, more honest.

Am I a positive person? Hell yes.

Am I spiritual? I am constantly practicing spirituality.

Am I kind? The older I get, the kinder I get.

Am I good? As good as I want to be on a good day.

Am I perfect? No freaking way.

I am human after all.

Could I be better? Yes.

Could I be happier? Indeed.

Could I be more stable in my emotions? Absolutely!

Could I achieve great things? Yes. Yes. Yes.

What’s stopping me?

That is what we’re going to talk about today…

You see, I think that ever since childhood I’ve suffered from this particular syndrome.

I call it the F.O.B.S, i.e:

THE FEAR OF BEING SEEN

 

Just by hearing this, you can probably relate. Maybe it made you smile or shy away. Either way, I know I’m not alone in this.

The Fear of Being Seen Syndrome has plagued me my whole life.

Imagine that you are the sole owner of the biggest, brightest, clearest and finest diamond in the entire world. What do you do? Wear it around your neck everywhere you go? Or keep it somewhere hidden where you know it will be safe?

Now imagine, that diamond… is you. You are this beautiful, one of a kind gem. You’re priceless. So what do you do? Do you put yourself out there, lay your truth bare, stand naked in Times Square to show off your radiance? No… you hide it. You keep it safe. You protect it. Or at least that’s what you tell yourself…

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All these years, it’s what I told myself. I was SO AFRAID of being seen. Of someone discovering the REAL me. Of being recognized for who I really am. Of being noticed for my kindness, my thoughts, my words, my deeds, and most importantly…. My heart.

Yet, at the same time, I was DYING for someone to see beyond what I would show. Like some magic stare from some magical person could break through all the falsities and just see… me. If it happened like that, I would know that I was safe.

Ultimately, it was a fear of being hurt, rejected, judged, criticized, also a fear or raising the bar of expectations (for others and myself), a fear of not being able to go backwards, a fear of not recognizing myself, of losing the relationship I had with me. A fear of being inadequate, of not feeling like enough….. Basically, the entire dictionary of fears!

No matter what I did, I couldn’t shake these fears off my shoulders. I collected all my insecurities like jewelry and decorated myself with them.

For years I felt heavy. Unaware of the invisible weight I was carrying around with me. (not to mention the additional physical weight of top of that!)

It took me YEARS and I mean that literally to gain some perspective, some self-love and self-respect.

To love myself, want myself and choose myself the way I wanted others to.

It took me decades to value and appreciate my strengths, my talents, my gifts, my AWESOMENESS!

Like I am a GREAT listener (seriously, ask anybody), If you’re my friend you know you can always count on me, I’m a giving lover, I’m a challenging daughter (in a  good way hahaha, I love you Ma & Pa), I’m a grateful traveler, a pretty rad teacher. However, there are things I want to try that push me outside of that attractive comfort zone so I keep procrastinating because secretly I am terrified of trying new things (yup). For example, my friends tell me I have a really nice voice and I’ve got a knack for storytelling. I actually love to tell stories. However, making videos or starting a podcast intimidates me. (plus im not as technologically savvy as I seem…. You see what happened right there? Another limiting belief… * mental delete*)

These are things that I push through, little by little, piece by piece, day by day, until the puzzle is complete.

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I KNOW I have so much more to offer, to give away, to learn, to see, to be. Sometimes during my meditations I feel this power surge through me, begging me to be released. How? Where? Into what? These are the current questions that plague me.

How do I reach a state of full expression? Without limitations or restrictions?

How do I let myself show, completely, unapologetically, openly, strongly, and wholeheartedly?

How do I let go of my fear of being more that what I thought I was capable of?

How do I fall into all this gorgeous glory?

Gosh, does it really belong to me?

YES!!!! Because IT IS ME!

So, I guess, my advice to you after all these years of searching and hurting and growing and breaking and learning is the following:

Life is a story and you are the main character. You can choose to be the hero, the villain or the victim.

But ultimately, it’s your choice. You can hold so many titles. Play so many characters. Just choose the one that fits you best.

Every day I choose to be the hero. The warrior. The kindness agent. The dream maker. The philosopher. The gardener. The healer. The photographer. The artist. The musician. The nomad. The label breaker. The seamstress. The butterfly. The leaf. The sun rays. The treasure. The diamond. The student. The guest. The star. The instrument. The raindrop. The feather. The cloud. The ocean. The rock. The scientist. The lotus. The dragon. The swan. The passenger. The key. The pearl. The projector. The blank page. The entire damn Saga.

You are a soul. You are Concentrated Energy. Know this. Know the light that you hold. The power within.

Know your worth. Discover you’re limitless. Admire yourself.

You are everything you have ever searched for

You are Love

You are Peace

You are Happiness

You are Truth

You are Beauty

You are Bliss

Know this

Feel this

Be this

And allow yourself to shine through

All the fears and BS around you

Just…

Be.

Dear Reader,

I beg of you…

Remember your divinity.

 

{this article was mad scary to write so please be gentle with your comments. My big, open, heart would appreciate it. Thanks}

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I’ll Never be enough…

Have you EVER said this to yourself?

I’ll never be…

good enough

smart enough

pretty enough

thin enough

just… not enough.

I wish I could say I don’t have these thoughts about myself anymore, but every now and then they pop up to remind me of the limiting beliefs I used to hold as true.

Now I know just a little better…

Now I know that no matter what or when, I am ALWAYS enough.

It’s not even something I need to be, it is something I am inherently.

It’s my fears, my self-doubts, my poor self-esteem that keep me from seeing me for all that I am and for appreciating myself just as I am.

 

Doesn’t it hurt?

When you’re unkind to yourself?

Don’t you start to feel even worse?

Negative attracts negative. It’s a downward spiral from there. I know this feeling. I’ve seen myself fall down the ladder so many times. Gosh.

But you want to know the beautiful part? The really satisfying part? The empowering moment? It’s that split second. That instant where you make a decision to say NO to the self-loathing and YES to the self-loving. It’s getting up from your knees to make a stand again. It’s facing… everything. Including yourself. It’s the star of courage you earn, and the scar of gold etched onto your heart that makes it bearable.

YOU, my dear, are special. You probably already know that, maybe you’re sick of hearing it but I am telling you what I think about YOU and i know for a fact that…

YOU ARE SO SPECIAL!

You are one of a kind. No one on this planet can replace you. You have a unique gift for the world that only you can share. You are an explosive miracle!

Don’t believe me? Listen here to Jim Carrey…

So my dear, beautiful, kindred brother or sister, you beautiful soul… I urge you today to make the right choice.

No matter the problem or situation… Choose LOVE!

Share yourself with the Universe. Be that ocean in a drop.

self lveo

 

Choose YOU. Because you are so worth it!

lovemyself

 

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02/02 UPDATE: Don’t you just love SERENDIPITY? One day after my post, a brilliant article was posted on Elephant Journal. The subject matter was:

5 Truths to Remember when you Feel like you are Not Enough

Also, this amazing photo showed up on my feed:

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The Universe is conspiring lovely one. Feel it. Breathe it. Use it. Share it.

 

Show your Awesome!

Dear Readers,

I’d like to share the start of something amazing and beautiful.

As you all know, I endorse Awesomeness.

I’m awesome.

You’re awesome.

We’re all awesome!

I know that and I’ve made it my mission in life for you to be aware of it too.

In an effort to share the awesomeness around, to spread it through the land of the living, to make it a palpable, living and breathing thing I’ve decided to do something very simple: This.

Today I’m feeling Awesome.

Check out the website, spread the word, if you would be so kind as to support the expansion of global awesomeness I’d be truly grateful.

Whatever you do, have an Awesome day!

All my love,

Dolly.

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Survival Kit 101

Please watch this video. It will change your life forever. I promise you. You will never look at a bad day the same ever again.

Realize every dark cloud is a smoke screen
meant to blind us from the truth
and the truth is whether we seem them or not
the sun and the moon are still there
and always there is always light.

I can never listen to a Shane Koyczan poem without crying. He extends his arm of words and touches my soul, he stirs me up, he makes me whole. I don’t have much more to add to this. Life is not perfect. We have bad days, we fall down, we fall short, we mess up. We get scared, we feel weak, we disappoint someone, we don’t make it and we hurt. 

I have bad days. Emphasis on the plural. I don’t always wake up feeling awesome. I don’t feel like I give enough, like I live enough. I hurt… and I bleed. And you and me, we bleed the same. I’ve also learned to transform my pain, to grow from it, to create from it. So I try. I try everyday to be better. To give the best of myself. Because that’s what makes me truly happy. 

If you are having a good day, be considerate.
A simple smile could be the first-aid kit
that someone has been looking for.
If you believe with absolute honesty that
you are doing everything you can – do more

I’m a true believer of the power of a simple smile. Someone once changed my life just by smiling at me. I have helped many of my friends just by being there for them, looking them in the eye with a smile and reminding them that everything happens for a reason – that it WILL be okay.

Love and hate are beasts

and the one that grows

is the one you feed.

Every day we wake up with a choice. We set ourselves up within the first few minutes of waking up. Do I want to feel grateful today? Do I want to be cranky? Close, reserved? Open, giving? A Yes Man or a I Don’t Know Guy. Every single day of our lives we wake up…and we make that choice of who we want to be.

Everyone knows pain.

We are not meant to carry it forever

If you decided one day to wake up and feel sad, burdened, small, frightened, fragile, hopeless, poor or defeated. It’s just today. It’s okay. None of that is really true. None of that is really you.

PS – If you’d like to hear more poems like this from Spoken Word poets, please check my Awesome Poetry page.

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Dance for a Cause!

In the largest lip-dub of Africa, 500 women dance to ‘Price Tag’ by Jessie J ft. B.o.B.
Every single one of these strong and resourceful women has started a business of her own. Their dream is to show you and Jessie J how this has impacted their lives!

For more info go to http://www.microbanker.com

Directed by: Ivan Mikulic
Camera: Berta Banacloche
Choreography: Mexim Janzen

The small business loans you can provide online allow women in Uganda to work for a better future and escape the poverty trap of generations!

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Do you have the Courage to Create your Life?

But if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos’ nothing I have is truly mine

When it comes to your life. When it comes to the important decisions that you make on a daily basis…are you a doer or a thinker? Are you a participant or an observer? Are you being active or reactive?

Who is making the BIG decisions in your life?
Who is shaping your life?

Are you following your heart, your dreams and your goals?

Or are you giving in to fear?

Giving into other people’s expectations of you?

Can you truly say that you’re in total control of your life right now?

If the answer is No, then you’re wrong.

Because no matter what you think, the reality is that you are always in control of your life.

You are the captain.
You are the pilot.
You are the boss!

If you’re not living a fulfilling life it’s no one else’s fault but your own.

You’re choosing to sacrifice things, you’re choosing to compromise for others. It’s your decision.

It’s no secret that we love to pass fault around as if it were free candy.

But how does it help us to blame others? Sure, the Ego feels better. But how does that help? We’re just feeding it. It loves excuses. Does it make us happier?

It’s time to STOP making excuses & Take Control.

How? Here are 3 easy steps:

Step 1: Admit that you are holding yourself back.

Admit that you’re afraid. Admit that you’re to blame. Admit to yourself that you are powerful beyond measure and that the ability to completely transform your life lies in your hands and your hands only.

Step 2: Commit to taking a step forward towards the path that you would like to be on.

It could be a baby step but it has to be an action, a change, something that you can feel.
You have to feel that change happening in your life.
You can write it down. It could be starting to exercise from tomorrow for example, hell why not today. It could be to change your eating habits, to be more honest, to volunteer some more, to wake up earlier, to be braver, to do a random act of kindness today. Whatever it is, set a goal for yourself. A real goal that you can accomplish within a certain amount of time.
For example: My goal is to reach PRIME Health. Right now, that means to lose 20 lbs in 90 days. To exercise more. To wake up earlier and be more active.
My other goal is to blog more often, write a poem or a song a day, to always, always, always spread love and kindness to every human being I encounter. Those are just a few.
In order to achieve this, I’ve enrolled in a program. So you see? That’s me being proactive with my life.

Step 3: Don’t give up when the going gets tough.

Because it will… It always does. If there’s one thing we can depend on life to do is to give us a hard time. But it does that because it loves us so much. How else can we grow?

How many of you have tried something new and quit halfway through?

The reality is: You’re just not going to get there if you give up. No matter what happens, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how many mistakes you make, it’s not over until you call it. It’s only over when you stop trying. And we seem to do that too easily nowadays.

So my advice? Don’t get comfortable. Trust me, I know how easy it is. How good it feels. But you’re honestly missing out! There’s so much out there waiting to come to you… you just have to let it in.

Do you give as much energy to your dreams as you do to your fears? – Unknown

Here’s some visual motivation to help you.

Anything you can dream of, anything you’ve ever wanted in life or out of life could be yours. You can make all your dreams come true. You just have to believe it…

I believe it. I’ve made plenty of my own dreams come true. And I know for a fact that you can too!

My dream…

Today I woke up full of awe with my life. Today I am full of inspiration and good intentions. I’m exploding from each of my seams with dreams. This life is short and I want to live it to my fullest potential and I am aware of how limitless that potential can be. They’re so many thing that I would like to do, to give, to put out there. I want to create… I want to put something into the world that wasn’t there before, because only I can bring it to life. But the rushing flood of excitement and albeit good intentions overwhelm me sometimes and I don’t know where to start. I’m stuck at the dreaming part…

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Discover yourself!

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“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”

– Albert Einstein

 

Have you ever made a mistake but it turned out to be the best thing that has ever happened to you?  I don’t know about you but I definitely have. I’m a firm believer that mistakes are experiences that life throws us to learn something and help us grow.

“To err is human” as Alexander Pope said. I constantly make mistakes. Sometimes they’re trivial and harmless, like taking a wrong turn or dating a guy YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART is just NO GOOD for you! Sometimes they’re bigger mistakes that leave an indelible mark on us forever & sometimes they’re exactly what we should be doing.  

My point is that we give mistakes more power than they’re worth. Since we were children we’ve been making mistakes. We’ve been doing the wrong thing, tripping over the same stone over and over again to get to where we’re going. You will always make mistakes. Life is not about NEVER making a mistake, it’s about learning from it. So that you can move forward, develop yourself and become the person you were meant to be. You will learn so much more from a mistake or a failure then you ever will from success or complacence.

So don’t be afraid to make a mistake, be more afraid to NOT make one. That means that you’re letting you fear take control over your life and keep you right where you are… in that little comfort zone I’ve talked so much about.

Trust yourself, trust the universe, that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.

Good luck! =)

 

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