The Pain of Perception

 

Check out the girl in this photo. How does she look to you?

If you had to describe the picture in one word what would it be?

Did any of the following words come to mind: Fat, Ugly, Insecure, Unworthy.

Probably not.

Here’s the deal. The girl in the pic? That’s me… about 3 years ago.

I was by a beach on the east coast of Argentina. They were truly happy days for me. But… what you probably don’t know and can’t pick up from this photo is how much self-loathing I had for myself.

You see… I write about love. Especially self-love… not because I am some hippie obsessed with love but because I KNOW what it’s like to be without love and the difference it makes to have love and further more, to recognize that you ARE love.

For years, I did not love myself. I hated my body, I hated the way I looked, the incessant hair that grew on my arms and face, I hated the clothes I had to wear because I was a girl, I pretty much disliked everything about me.

In my entire family, I felt like I was the only one who was overweight. I was also the only tomboy. The odd one. The black sheep. I didn’t want to get married so I was defying my parent’s principles and expectations and maybe even the illusion of their purpose for existence. Outcast. Marginalized. Rebel. But it didn’t make me proud. It hurt. It ached. But the truth was stronger than the pain. I knew I had to keep moving forward. And so I did… despite the opposition. I didn’t realize how brave that was.

But I looked at that picture above and I couldn’t help but laugh! I love that photo. It’s so beautiful. They’re a couple of pictures where you see a purple ring around me, a lot people say it’s my aura! It’s almost as if you could see the soul.

But you know what? During that moment, all I remember is how much I criticized myself. How well I put myself down, oh boy, I should’ve won some kind of prize. I didn’t appreciate my beauty. Not just physical. In general. I always focused on what I didn’t have or what I was missing or what I had in excess. Funny enough, now when I look at photos from the past all I can see is the beauty!

How could I not notice the beauty? I hope I am not coming across as vein now, haha, but really… honestly… if you guys knew how much I beat myself up for not fitting into a stereotype you would understand how elated I feel now to notice that I never had to. That it was so superficial. That I was never in competition with anyone. All I had to do is be me. I wish I could go back in time to the girl I was and appreciate her! Life would be so different…

But.. I am here now. Honoring myself. My beauty, my mind, my heart, my energy.

When I see that photo now, I remember that the girl in that photo, as flawed as she thinks she is, she is also beautiful. So beautiful, so free, so loving, so kind, so generous, so independent, so deep, so spontaneous and full of life! This is her essence.

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I can’t stress it enough. How you perceive yourself creates the filter, the lens through which you see everything… your entire world. How you see others is a reflection of how you see yourself. So if you see yourself as unworthy, you are going to seek worthiness in places and people…. and that just isn’t healthy. Trust me, I know.

The worst part is… no one can get you to do it. No matter how hard I try… I can’t make you love you. You have to decide to. Just like I did. One day, you just wake up and decide you are going to be loving and gentle and kind with your body, your heart and your mind.

So, whether you are a self-loving enthusiast, on the path or not there yet, know that I am here to support you in your journey. Because this is a journey. So don’t rush to get to the destination. All will come in due time. For now, observe yourself. Start noticing how you talk to yourself. How you communicate with your inner world. We think it’s okay because no one can hear us but we’re wrong. WE hear it. So just notice…. and find one thing about yourself that you absolutely LOVE. Like really, really love. Write it down, paint it, dance it, sing it, remix it, collage it, instagram or twitter it and bask in the joy of it!

Happy Sunday ❤

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If you would like to hear me go on and on about Love check out some of my previous posts! I will leave the links below:

An open love letter to my Heart

Let Love In

Same Love

You are LOVED

Higher Love

Strength in Vulnerability

I’ll Never Be Enough

Give your heartstrings a tug..

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Just Be…

You can travel the world
But you can’t run away
From the person you are in your heart
You can be who you want to be
Make us believe in you
Keep all your light in the dark
If you’re searching for truth
You must look in the mirror
And make sense of what you can see
Just be
Just be

It’s incredible how hard that can be. To just be. It’s something that takes a lot of soul-searching, courage, patience and perseverance to achieve. But how wonderful it is. Even if you’re not where you want to be or with who you want to be, even if things aren’t going your way right now you know that if you stay true to yourself something will come along and the Universe will conspire to guide you.
There is no situation that requires you to be anything but who you are. No matter how you are. So ask yourself this…

Are you being yourself or are you being what others want you to be? Are you a projection of yourself or a reflection of others?

Tell me… if you looked in the mirror what would you see?