Yesterday we had a special Moon. It was an invitation, an opportunity to let go of things we no longer need so we can make room for the new. It sounds so easy. So simple. So achievable. In a certain way it was, in a certain way it wasn’t.
when the time comes
to love yourself well
it takes a good solid month
to stop crying
you have to let go
– Andrea Gibson
There is only one thing in my life I feel I have a huge resistance to let go of. I know I have a lot of things to let go of (My insecurities, my fear of failure, my fear of success, etc etc) and little by little, day by day I do the work needed to shed these pieces of the old me. Still, there is something I don’t want to touch. Someone I hold onto that I ignore in a big way. We all know this story. A love that is no more. Relationships are tricky. I’ve only had one in my life that meant the universe to me. She was my everything. Losing her was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure. But the love fades. Not that love is lost but that it transforms… I like to think that. I’m grateful for where I am at right now. Ahead of the pain and behind a fogged up window. Unsure of the future but certain of the past, clear in the present and grateful in the moment. Today, I wrote her out of me. I’m done. I’m really done this time. I’ll keep saying it until it’s true…
Here is my late night write:
Have you ever heard your heart?
Have you ever noticed the intricacies of it…how loudly it beats, how many times per second? What every heartbeat sounds like? What makes it accelerate? If it ever trembles or cries, does it scream out of sheer joy?
Have you ever stopped to notice yourself? The way you open your eyes when the sun peeks through the blinds. The way you stretch out your arms as if asking the stars to come out of hiding so you could go back under the sheets. The way you roll yourself out of bed and pause just before feet touch ground. You are a second away from being awake. You take this. You thank this. You appreciate this. God, do you know how beautiful you are when you wake up?
The rest is all magic. All wonder. All chaos and contemplation.
Some days, you light your cigarette and look out the window. I never really knew what you were thinking but you were always smiling. Other days, you would put on some Coldplay and dance your way into the shower. You would sing to the top of your lungs and give the birds some healthy competition.
You would never leave home without breakfast. Even if it was just butter on toast. You would make sure it was toast and not bread. You said they were two different things.
You would always kiss my back good morning along with all my tattoos. Especially the one about you.
Oh, how many ways you would pray without even knowing it, Ms. Atheist.
Every time we would look into each other’s eyes it was a meditation. A connection of soul to soul, soul to Source and back to soul.
You would greet strangers on the street, you would converse with the homeless just as easily as with your coworkers. You would run to be anywhere anyone needed you to be. You would befriend every stray dog in the city. They were days you wouldn’t eat because you felt guilty that others didn’t have food. Your heart was twice the size of your body so you got fit. Instead of shrinking it, you made sure you were strong enough to carry it. You exercised every day with it. You shared it, lent it, surrendered to it and continued to grow it. I really loved that about you…
I loved dining out with you too, you’d order all my favorite foods so I wouldn’t have to. Even though you didn’t have a sweet tooth, you’d always ask for an extra spoon for my ice cream because you loved the idea of sharing a bowl with me. The way you sucked your thumb after eating strawberries was so sexy. You’d sit through every chick flick I dragged you to and you would even make sure we had popcorn. I’ll never forget the time you cried watching “Just like Heaven”.
I wish you had loved yourself more when I met you. Maybe we would still be together. I wish you were aware of your beauty so you wouldn’t need me to reinforce your worth to you constantly. I wish you wanted me rather than needed me. Appreciated me rather than required me.
When you know your true beauty,
You are not mesmerized by another’s noticing.
You appreciate it but you don’t need it.
I was a reflection through which you could see yourself.
Remember when we moved in together?
It was the first time in our lives we ever took our masks off.
We dropped all our defenses. There was no backup plan. No emergency exit.
Just a promise.
In that moment,
We were learning to be.
We built a home together. A heaven based on habits. We cultivated the habit of honesty, kindness, pleasure, desire, happiness, silliness, respect, compassion, intimacy, vulnerability, togetherness, unity.
These were our most honest moments.
Our truest confessions
We felt seen.
We felt loved.
We felt accepted.
We felt safe.
We felt wanted.
We felt important.
And you were.
I hate that I have to write this in past tense.
I hate that you took your fear and ran away from a love this big.
I hate that I’m still here thinking about what could’ve been
If you had been braver.
I fell in to you as far as you would let me, even further.
I filled all the spaces in between us with my love.
Everyone thinks I’m better off without you,
But they are things they will never know about you.
You might be my illness, but you are also my medicine.
My tiger balm, my Nyquil, my Advil.
The way you would look at me was unearthly.
Like I was made up of some kind of magic.
If there was one thing I’d trade it all for, it’d be that.
But there is nothing left to trade. Nothing to bargain.
You’ve burned our bridge too many times. There’s not an architect in the world that could create a new design for us.
We are two tectonic plates that could never touch again without causing destruction.
You were so good at self-destructing.
My own personal Hiroshima.
Without notice. Just like that. Everything went boom.
My eyes went dark. My body heavy. Wounds open, flesh blood pouring from my most recent cut and you were gone. All your shit was gone and you were gone. There was an echo in the emptiness. I knew you were gone but I still kept asking the wind if anyone was there. Hello? Hello? Love, are you there? Hello?
In your absence, I held on to things. Every tiny detail of your existence became a part of me. I didn’t want to forget you. I didn’t want to forget me.
I kept your smell in my lungs. Your voice in my ears. Your lips on my mouth.
All our Shane&Carmen moments, our inside jokes, my books with your scribbles, our letters, all our words.
I kept them safe.
I kept us safe.
I kept us safe.
I try to talk good about you every chance I get. I don’t air our dirty laundry. I don’t tell anyone about our ugly or our broken. How we fit into the darkness perfectly.
We were so tired of hearing how special we were, weren’t we? Of lovers leaving us because they couldn’t bear the thought of losing us. We were so tired. We were so tired when we met each other.
We were so tired.
There was a voice in you that reached out to me. In a loud silence, in a quiet scream it said “save me”.
Oh darling, I tried. How I tried saving you. How I tried telling your demons you weren’t in hell anymore.
That the worse was behind you. I wish I had known the full story then. I wish you had told me about your condition. I would’ve forced you to take your medication.
I’m done now.
I keep thinking I’m done now.
God knows we tried.
I see the photos on facebook of you and your new lover.
I get messages from you asking for relationship advice.
Because I’m the one that still knows you best.
Why is that?
As I stand before an endless beach, as I witness daffodil seeds bloom into yellow windmills of hope, I notice how roots work. Plants grow down before they grow up. They need to know that it’s safe to peek their heads out. Even the ocean has an underbelly.
Did we have roots or did we just grow hydroponically? I don’t think you felt as safe as I thought you were with me.
I want to say sorry.
For all the mistakes I never knew I made.
I forgive you.
I forgive me.
We did the best we could with what we had in that very unique time that was gifted to us.
I wish you the best. Be happy. Travel the world. Be free. Paint your heart across the sky and let the world admire your beauty.
Me? I’ll be fine.
I working on my roots now. I’m working on creating sacred land. Sanctuary. Safe space for my soul.
I’m working on rebuilding from the ground up everything that has crashed in me.
I stand here and stretch my arms out wide, feeling the anchor under my soles sink.
Grounding feels good. Almost as good as flying. I feel safe.
For the first time, I feel held. Truly held. I don’t know what this means yet but I know that it matters.
I let the cardinal points pull me as I stretch even wider, giving myself away to the wind.
My chest feels open.
My heart is an orchestra standing on stage just before a performance. I let the conductor know we are ready. She lifts her baton and we move into full swing with the melody. Listen closely. This music is classic. It’s more classic than Vivaldi. This music is ancient. Full of wisdom. Full of knowing. Ready to serve you as you need it to.
I’m grounding through dancing and it tastes like freedom.