A Deeper Look Within…

I’ve been thinking a lot about the word “beauty”. When I think of beauty, I automatically think of nature. I think of the original state of a forest or the ocean. It just is and we find it beautiful. It made me think about how that relates to us. We also have an “original state of beauty”. An eternal form which is essentially beautiful. It exists deep within. Under the skin, before the make up, the masks, the clothes and the jewelry. It’s much deeper. You can see its shimmer sometimes through the eyes, the windows of the soul. You can see it sometimes in a smile. You can feel it in an embrace. I wrote this poem to help you remember. Remember how beautiful you are.    

 

Look at you.

Wow.

Just look at you.

You’ve made sadness an artist and gave your face away as a canvas and he has done a masterpiece with it.

The thing is… you’ve forgotten who you are and now you believe you are his work of art.

But sweetheart, I am here to tell you that you are not.

Take your pieces back. Reclaim yourself.

I see through it… all that bullshit you call real.

I see the raw, fierce beauty that lives underneath all that paint.

I see it wanting to be seen.

I see it.

I see you.

And you are fucking exquisite.

How you manage to will yourself asleep to play the part of the devil’s muse everyday I will never know.

Without speaking, you’re asking if it’s okay for you to fall.

Down, all the way.

Knees melting from the impact, flesh meeting earth, to revert back to your chemical composition.

Oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium. You’re all there and there is nothing more than this.

Nothing else.

You’re tired of trying to convince yourself that there is.

You can’t take a second more of pretending, of trying, of smiling, of nodding, gossiping and comparing.

You want out of the contract you signed with blood the minute you were born.

You want to be at peace. You need to be at peace.

I respect and worship the power in your grit.

Do you know your worth, love?

Do you know your truth, love?

Because it knows you.

And it is waiting, just waiting for you.


There, in the silence, in the tender moments.
When you get tired of carrying all that weight,
When you think no one is watching and you let it go.
You take it off and slip into the subtle version of you.
That being of truth that knows your vastness,
Your expansiveness, your reach.


You are the answer to every question you’ve ever had.

Why are you living so shallow?

What keeps you so scared?

Why is it so easy to be so little when you have everything coursing through you?

Tell me. Talk to me. Spill your secrets.

I want to love you.

All that means is that I want to be who I am around you.

I want you to meet me here.

To stand firmly on honest ground.

To say who you are out loud.

I am Love.
I am Joy.
I am Bliss.
I am Beauty.

Say each one out loud and soak into it.

You know it’s true.

I feel it in you.

Don’t look away for validation.

You don’t even need to believe me,

All you have to do is remember.

You beautiful goddess creature, just remember where you came from.

Dim the lights and close your eyes and let yourself fly.

Go wherever you want to go, away from the drama, from the roles.

Away from the mundane, from the everyday.

In the silence, let the truth speak.

Let your heart tell you what you came here to do.

You crave to be something the world has never seen.

So ask yourself honestly…

What’s stopping you?

 

 

Happy Diwali!

Technically, this was 2 days ago. Luckily, I celebrate things forever 🙂

Dear All, Diwali is one of my favorite festivals. It symbolizes the victory of Ram (Light) over Ravan (Darkness). We each wage this war within us constantly between our most luminous parts and our shadow selves. I’m sharing a poem I recited here with you to remind you that no matter how much darkness surrounds you, how much you think you hold you are also always a carrier of light.

Shine on,

Dolly

xoxo ❤

 

The importance of Roots…

Yesterday we had a special Moon. It was an invitation, an opportunity to let go of things we no longer need so we can make room for the new. It sounds so easy. So simple. So achievable. In a certain way it was, in a certain way it wasn’t.

when the time comes
to love yourself well
it takes a good solid month
to stop crying
about everything
you have to let go
– Andrea Gibson

There is only one thing in my life I feel I have a huge resistance to let go of. I know I have a lot of things to let go of (My insecurities, my fear of failure, my fear of success, etc etc) and little by little, day by day I do the work needed to shed these pieces of the old me. Still, there is something I don’t want to touch. Someone I hold onto that I ignore in a big way. We all know this story. A love that is no more. Relationships are tricky. I’ve only had one in my life that meant the universe to me. She was my everything. Losing her was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure. But the love fades. Not that love is lost but that it transforms… I like to think that. I’m grateful for where I am at right now. Ahead of the pain and behind a fogged up window. Unsure of the future but certain of the past, clear in the present and grateful in the moment. Today, I wrote her out of me. I’m done. I’m really done this time. I’ll keep saying it until it’s true…

Here is my late night write: 

Have you ever heard your heart?
Have you ever noticed the intricacies of it…how loudly it beats, how many times per second? What every heartbeat sounds like? What makes it accelerate? If it ever trembles or cries, does it scream out of sheer joy?
Have you?
Have you ever stopped to notice yourself? The way you open your eyes when the sun peeks through the blinds. The way you stretch out your arms as if asking the stars to come out of hiding so you could go back under the sheets. The way you roll yourself out of bed and pause just before feet touch ground. You are a second away from being awake. You take this. You thank this. You appreciate this. God, do you know how beautiful you are when you wake up?
The rest is all magic. All wonder. All chaos and contemplation.
Some days, you light your cigarette and look out the window. I never really knew what you were thinking but you were always smiling. Other days, you would put on some Coldplay and dance your way into the shower. You would sing to the top of your lungs and give the birds some healthy competition.
You would never leave home without breakfast. Even if it was just butter on toast. You would make sure it was toast and not bread. You said they were two different things.
You would always kiss my back good morning along with all my tattoos. Especially the one about you.
Oh, how many ways you would pray without even knowing it, Ms. Atheist.
Every time we would look into each other’s eyes it was a meditation. A connection of soul to soul, soul to Source and back to soul.
You would greet strangers on the street, you would converse with the homeless just as easily as with your coworkers. You would run to be anywhere anyone needed you to be. You would befriend every stray dog in the city. They were days you wouldn’t eat because you felt guilty that others didn’t have food. Your heart was twice the size of your body so you got fit. Instead of shrinking it, you made sure you were strong enough to carry it. You exercised every day with it. You shared it, lent it, surrendered to it and continued to grow it. I really loved that about you…
I loved dining out with you too, you’d order all my favorite foods so I wouldn’t have to. Even though you didn’t have a sweet tooth, you’d always ask for an extra spoon for my ice cream because you loved the idea of sharing a bowl with me. The way you sucked your thumb after eating strawberries was so sexy. You’d sit through every chick flick I dragged you to and you would even make sure we had popcorn. I’ll never forget the time you cried watching “Just like Heaven”.
I wish you had loved yourself more when I met you. Maybe we would still be together. I wish you were aware of your beauty so you wouldn’t need me to reinforce your worth to you constantly. I wish you wanted me rather than needed me. Appreciated me rather than required me.
When you know your true beauty,
You are not mesmerized by another’s noticing.
You appreciate it but you don’t need it.
I was a reflection through which you could see yourself.
Remember when we moved in together?
It was the first time in our lives we ever took our masks off.
We dropped all our defenses. There was no backup plan. No emergency exit.
Just a promise.
In that moment,
We were learning to be.
We built a home together. A heaven based on habits. We cultivated the habit of honesty, kindness, pleasure, desire, happiness, silliness, respect, compassion, intimacy, vulnerability, togetherness, unity.
These were our most honest moments.
Our truest confessions
We felt seen.
We felt loved.
We felt accepted.
We felt safe.
We felt wanted.
We felt important.
And you were.
You were.
You were.
I hate that I have to write this in past tense.
I hate that you took your fear and ran away from a love this big.
I hate that I’m still here thinking about what could’ve been
If you had been braver.
I fell in to you as far as you would let me, even further.
I filled all the spaces in between us with my love.

Everyone thinks I’m better off without you,
But they are things they will never know about you.
You might be my illness, but you are also my medicine.
My tiger balm, my Nyquil, my Advil.
The way you would look at me was unearthly.
Like I was made up of some kind of magic.
If there was one thing I’d trade it all for, it’d be that.
But there is nothing left to trade. Nothing to bargain.
You’ve burned our bridge too many times. There’s not an architect in the world that could create a new design for us.
We are two tectonic plates that could never touch again without causing destruction.
You were so good at self-destructing.
My own personal Hiroshima.
Without notice. Just like that. Everything went boom.
My eyes went dark. My body heavy. Wounds open, flesh blood pouring from my most recent cut and you were gone. All your shit was gone and you were gone. There was an echo in the emptiness. I knew you were gone but I still kept asking the wind if anyone was there. Hello? Hello? Love, are you there? Hello?
In your absence, I held on to things. Every tiny detail of your existence became a part of me. I didn’t want to forget you. I didn’t want to forget me.
I kept your smell in my lungs. Your voice in my ears. Your lips on my mouth.
All our Shane&Carmen moments, our inside jokes, my books with your scribbles, our letters, all our words.
I kept them safe.
I kept us safe.
I kept us safe.
I try to talk good about you every chance I get. I don’t air our dirty laundry. I don’t tell anyone about our ugly or our broken. How we fit into the darkness perfectly.
We were so tired of hearing how special we were, weren’t we? Of lovers leaving us because they couldn’t bear the thought of losing us. We were so tired. We were so tired when we met each other.
We were so tired.

There was a voice in you that reached out to me. In a loud silence, in a quiet scream it said “save me”.
Oh darling, I tried. How I tried saving you. How I tried telling your demons you weren’t in hell anymore.
That the worse was behind you. I wish I had known the full story then. I wish you had told me about your condition. I would’ve forced you to take your medication.
I’m done now.
I keep thinking I’m done now.
God knows we tried.
I see the photos on facebook of you and your new lover.
I get messages from you asking for relationship advice.
Because I’m the one that still knows you best.
Why is that?

As I stand before an endless beach, as I witness daffodil seeds bloom into yellow windmills of hope, I notice how roots work. Plants grow down before they grow up. They need to know that it’s safe to peek their heads out. Even the ocean has an underbelly.
Did we have roots or did we just grow hydroponically? I don’t think you felt as safe as I thought you were with me.
I want to say sorry.
For all the mistakes I never knew I made.
I forgive you.
I forgive me.
We did the best we could with what we had in that very unique time that was gifted to us.
I wish you the best. Be happy. Travel the world. Be free. Paint your heart across the sky and let the world admire your beauty.
Me? I’ll be fine.
I working on my roots now. I’m working on creating sacred land. Sanctuary. Safe space for my soul.
I’m working on rebuilding from the ground up everything that has crashed in me.
I stand here and stretch my arms out wide, feeling the anchor under my soles sink.
Grounding feels good. Almost as good as flying. I feel safe.
For the first time, I feel held. Truly held. I don’t know what this means yet but I know that it matters.
I let the cardinal points pull me as I stretch even wider, giving myself away to the wind.
My chest feels open.
My heart is an orchestra standing on stage just before a performance. I let the conductor know we are ready. She lifts her baton and we move into full swing with the melody. Listen closely. This music is classic. It’s more classic than Vivaldi. This music is ancient. Full of wisdom. Full of knowing. Ready to serve you as you need it to.
I’m grounding through dancing and it tastes like freedom.

More Secrets…

I’m loving the response from my FOBS post. Guess what? Elephant Journal has agreed to publish it! Yeey me!

And in continuing on this journey of full disclosure and openness & to celebrate International Women’s Day, I want to share something very near and dear to my heart to me.

rumi-1

Did you guys know I write poetry?

In fact, last year my poems were published in a book! (seriously!)

So I would like to share with you all a little bit of the mini Rumi in me 🙂

Holding on to Letting Go

The Search

The Fire of Life

These are the last few poems I’ve writter for this awesome movement of women writing spiritual poetry. I have a ton of others ones that have yet to see the light of day.

What’s your secret talent?

Let me know!

 

I suffer from F.O.B.S {& more confessions…}

I’ve procrastinated for over 2 weeks deliberating whether or not to write this article. Alas, here I am.

This is going to be a tad different from other posts. I’m going to get more personal and intimate with you. More open, more honest.

Am I a positive person? Hell yes.

Am I spiritual? I am constantly practicing spirituality.

Am I kind? The older I get, the kinder I get.

Am I good? As good as I want to be on a good day.

Am I perfect? No freaking way.

I am human after all.

Could I be better? Yes.

Could I be happier? Indeed.

Could I be more stable in my emotions? Absolutely!

Could I achieve great things? Yes. Yes. Yes.

What’s stopping me?

That is what we’re going to talk about today…

You see, I think that ever since childhood I’ve suffered from this particular syndrome.

I call it the F.O.B.S, i.e:

THE FEAR OF BEING SEEN

 

Just by hearing this, you can probably relate. Maybe it made you smile or shy away. Either way, I know I’m not alone in this.

The Fear of Being Seen Syndrome has plagued me my whole life.

Imagine that you are the sole owner of the biggest, brightest, clearest and finest diamond in the entire world. What do you do? Wear it around your neck everywhere you go? Or keep it somewhere hidden where you know it will be safe?

Now imagine, that diamond… is you. You are this beautiful, one of a kind gem. You’re priceless. So what do you do? Do you put yourself out there, lay your truth bare, stand naked in Times Square to show off your radiance? No… you hide it. You keep it safe. You protect it. Or at least that’s what you tell yourself…

our-deepest-fear-is-not-that-we-are-inadequate-our-deepest-fear-is-that-we-are-powerful-beyond-measure

All these years, it’s what I told myself. I was SO AFRAID of being seen. Of someone discovering the REAL me. Of being recognized for who I really am. Of being noticed for my kindness, my thoughts, my words, my deeds, and most importantly…. My heart.

Yet, at the same time, I was DYING for someone to see beyond what I would show. Like some magic stare from some magical person could break through all the falsities and just see… me. If it happened like that, I would know that I was safe.

Ultimately, it was a fear of being hurt, rejected, judged, criticized, also a fear or raising the bar of expectations (for others and myself), a fear of not being able to go backwards, a fear of not recognizing myself, of losing the relationship I had with me. A fear of being inadequate, of not feeling like enough….. Basically, the entire dictionary of fears!

No matter what I did, I couldn’t shake these fears off my shoulders. I collected all my insecurities like jewelry and decorated myself with them.

For years I felt heavy. Unaware of the invisible weight I was carrying around with me. (not to mention the additional physical weight of top of that!)

It took me YEARS and I mean that literally to gain some perspective, some self-love and self-respect.

To love myself, want myself and choose myself the way I wanted others to.

It took me decades to value and appreciate my strengths, my talents, my gifts, my AWESOMENESS!

Like I am a GREAT listener (seriously, ask anybody), If you’re my friend you know you can always count on me, I’m a giving lover, I’m a challenging daughter (in a  good way hahaha, I love you Ma & Pa), I’m a grateful traveler, a pretty rad teacher. However, there are things I want to try that push me outside of that attractive comfort zone so I keep procrastinating because secretly I am terrified of trying new things (yup). For example, my friends tell me I have a really nice voice and I’ve got a knack for storytelling. I actually love to tell stories. However, making videos or starting a podcast intimidates me. (plus im not as technologically savvy as I seem…. You see what happened right there? Another limiting belief… * mental delete*)

These are things that I push through, little by little, piece by piece, day by day, until the puzzle is complete.

fabulous

I KNOW I have so much more to offer, to give away, to learn, to see, to be. Sometimes during my meditations I feel this power surge through me, begging me to be released. How? Where? Into what? These are the current questions that plague me.

How do I reach a state of full expression? Without limitations or restrictions?

How do I let myself show, completely, unapologetically, openly, strongly, and wholeheartedly?

How do I let go of my fear of being more that what I thought I was capable of?

How do I fall into all this gorgeous glory?

Gosh, does it really belong to me?

YES!!!! Because IT IS ME!

So, I guess, my advice to you after all these years of searching and hurting and growing and breaking and learning is the following:

Life is a story and you are the main character. You can choose to be the hero, the villain or the victim.

But ultimately, it’s your choice. You can hold so many titles. Play so many characters. Just choose the one that fits you best.

Every day I choose to be the hero. The warrior. The kindness agent. The dream maker. The philosopher. The gardener. The healer. The photographer. The artist. The musician. The nomad. The label breaker. The seamstress. The butterfly. The leaf. The sun rays. The treasure. The diamond. The student. The guest. The star. The instrument. The raindrop. The feather. The cloud. The ocean. The rock. The scientist. The lotus. The dragon. The swan. The passenger. The key. The pearl. The projector. The blank page. The entire damn Saga.

You are a soul. You are Concentrated Energy. Know this. Know the light that you hold. The power within.

Know your worth. Discover you’re limitless. Admire yourself.

You are everything you have ever searched for

You are Love

You are Peace

You are Happiness

You are Truth

You are Beauty

You are Bliss

Know this

Feel this

Be this

And allow yourself to shine through

All the fears and BS around you

Just…

Be.

Dear Reader,

I beg of you…

Remember your divinity.

 

{this article was mad scary to write so please be gentle with your comments. My big, open, heart would appreciate it. Thanks}

,

Familiar Strangers…

 

“I feel very strongly that I’m surrounded by other realities.” —Ingmar Bergman

I have this theory about strangers. My theory is this: No one is really a stranger.

When we don’t recognize a person, we tend to label them as strangers. When we get on the bus or the plane or the train, we tend to believe that we are surrounded by “strangers”, but this is so far from the truth. Have you ever felt attracted by a stranger? Has a stranger ever felt attracted by you? How do you describe that? What does it mean in the vastness of things?

strangers.jpg

I believe we are all connected. Connected by an undercurrent of energy. We are all souls, we all come from the same source. We all knew each other once. In fact, we still do. No encounter is random, nothing is by chance. I have this strong feeling that the girl I’m noticing outside of my peripheral vision is not a coincidence, neither is the magnetism. I want to go up to her and say something, but what? After all, I’m just a stranger. But there’s something in her eyes, in her demeanor, in the way she slants her back against the wall and rubs her wrists that tells me to approach her. I just met this girl five seconds ago on the metro. I don’t know a thing about her, yet I know her. I feel her. I sense her… but for the life of me I can’t gather up the courage to talk to her because… what if this is all in my head? What if her supposed sadness is nothing but a projection? What if she really is… just a stranger?

“My theory is – we don’t really go that far into other people, even when we think we do. We hardly ever go in and bring them out. We just stand at the jaws of the cave, and strike a match, and ask quickly if anybody’s there.” —Martin Louis Amis

This happens to me at least ten times a day. I feel like I’m missing out on connections. On friends. On stories. On people. On growth. On discovery.

Every day I find myself so close but so far from another soul.

She waited for the train to pass. Then she said, “I sometimes think that people’s hearts are like deep wells. Nobody knows what’s at the bottom. All you can do is imagine by what comes floating to the surface every once in a while.”
― Haruki Murakami

Maybe I am focusing too much on the superficial. Maybe we were never meant to interact. Maybe we were always meant to remain flooded by a pool of strangers. Maybe no matter how much we try, we can never ever really get to know a person. Maybe the next time we meet a stranger, we can just smile and continue on our way.

1516

I try to do subtle service for these souls. I have warm and well wishes for them. I try to find a way to honor my connection without breaking the balance because i think considering a person a stranger is a distance we create. The moment you meet someone, we close off the distance that separates us. Have you ever noticed how you can meet someone today and all of a sudden you recognize them on the street? You might’ve never noticed them before. So, in a lot of ways, the distance is necessary and healthy.

Think of a celebrity. Do you think a celebrity knows all their fans by name? It’s not because they don’t want to, it’s just because we can’t. We can’t know everybody. Not in that way. Not in the way we know our mother, our brother or our lover.

But we can connect with them. All we need is to use our minds. To send a gracious, kind, powerful and positive thought their way. That is our undying well of wishes.

I wrote a poem when I was 15 I think and it had to do with this topic. I don’t remember it well but there’s a line a wrote that I always remember from time to time. It said:

I sprinkled my heart across the sea, now everybody has a little piece of me.

It’s true that this modern technology world is disconnecting us (I encourage you to watch the video in the link). It’s true that everyone sticks their headphones on and shut the world out. Crowded areas like airport terminals, subway stations and bank lines are the loneliest places to be… because you are surrounded by humans but practically invisible to them.

Is this the world we want to live in? Is this the future we envision? 

What can you do today to create a change?

To live in a more connected, compassionate, loving, caring, aligned and centered world?

MLK

PS – Happy Belated MLK Day (he should be constantly celebrated so that’s what I do)

Nirvana is a Second Long

the curious feeling
swam through him
that everything
was
beautiful
there,
that it would always
stay beautiful
there.

Sound familiar?

Paulo Coehlo also makes reference to this feeling. He calls it the Magic Moment.

When was the last time you looked around and felt as if everything around you, including yourself, was pure magic?

But if people really pay attention in their everyday lives, they will discover that magic moment.
It may arrive in the instant when we are doing something mundane, like putting our front-door key in the lock; it may lie hidden in the quiet that follows the lunch hour or in the thousand and one things that all seems the same to us.
But that moment exists – a moment when all the power of the stars becomes a part of us and enables us to perform miracles.

We are surrounded by it. It surrounds us. We are a part of it. It is a part of us. Each second, each breathe, each thought is a vivid life force. We shouldn’t waste a single one.

Look around you. Really look. See it yet? Rub your eyes and look again. There is someone in front of you breathing in oxygen and releasing carbon dioxide, isn’t that amazing? The temperature of the Sun is more than 5000 degrees Celsius yet we’re all still alive. Isn’t that something? You just turned on the radio and your favorite song started to play, cool right? Your new neighbor said hello to you today. Your newborn just learned how to walk. You finally found your wife’s secret hiding place for your keys. You didn’t wake up with bedhead today. You were 10 feet away from the heater but you felt its warmth. You found a pair of matching socks. Drivers were overly kind with you during your jaywalking incident. There was no line at the supermarket. The cashier smiled at you and you felt it was sincere. Someone finished your sentence. There is a flower growing in a desert somewhere out there. Someone is getting married right now. It rained today and you noticed how the raindrops hit the leaves. You noticed. You really noticed. You took it in and let it swim in there. You became aware.

You were here. You are here. Here you are still. This is your present, this is your moment, this second of this day can be as beautiful as you want to make it out to be. Trust me. So if you could choose to, wouldn’t you want to make it awesome?

einstein

he heard the other
passengers
speaking
of other things,
or they were
reading
or
attempting to
sleep.
they had not
noticed
the
magic.

It doesn’t matter if someone else notices it. If someone sees what you see, they’re living their own reality. They have their own magic moment. The most you can do is share yours but what is yours is yours alone and that’s the gracefulness of it I think. You can be that light in someone’s heart. You can be a fire in the dark.

Please share some of your magic moments with me 🙂

 

Video

Survival Kit 101

Please watch this video. It will change your life forever. I promise you. You will never look at a bad day the same ever again.

Realize every dark cloud is a smoke screen
meant to blind us from the truth
and the truth is whether we seem them or not
the sun and the moon are still there
and always there is always light.

I can never listen to a Shane Koyczan poem without crying. He extends his arm of words and touches my soul, he stirs me up, he makes me whole. I don’t have much more to add to this. Life is not perfect. We have bad days, we fall down, we fall short, we mess up. We get scared, we feel weak, we disappoint someone, we don’t make it and we hurt. 

I have bad days. Emphasis on the plural. I don’t always wake up feeling awesome. I don’t feel like I give enough, like I live enough. I hurt… and I bleed. And you and me, we bleed the same. I’ve also learned to transform my pain, to grow from it, to create from it. So I try. I try everyday to be better. To give the best of myself. Because that’s what makes me truly happy. 

If you are having a good day, be considerate.
A simple smile could be the first-aid kit
that someone has been looking for.
If you believe with absolute honesty that
you are doing everything you can – do more

I’m a true believer of the power of a simple smile. Someone once changed my life just by smiling at me. I have helped many of my friends just by being there for them, looking them in the eye with a smile and reminding them that everything happens for a reason – that it WILL be okay.

Love and hate are beasts

and the one that grows

is the one you feed.

Every day we wake up with a choice. We set ourselves up within the first few minutes of waking up. Do I want to feel grateful today? Do I want to be cranky? Close, reserved? Open, giving? A Yes Man or a I Don’t Know Guy. Every single day of our lives we wake up…and we make that choice of who we want to be.

Everyone knows pain.

We are not meant to carry it forever

If you decided one day to wake up and feel sad, burdened, small, frightened, fragile, hopeless, poor or defeated. It’s just today. It’s okay. None of that is really true. None of that is really you.

PS – If you’d like to hear more poems like this from Spoken Word poets, please check my Awesome Poetry page.