The Secret to Second Chances

And if you were to ask me
After all that we’ve been through
Still believe in magic
Oh yes I do
Of course I do

Allow me to share a story.

Girl meets girl.

They talked for hours on end. Laughter, secrets, hopes and dreams were shared.

There was this closeness. This familiarity. This complicity.

Like they’ve known each other forever.

They were high on each other, they were accomplices exploring each others universes,

sharing optimism and revered glances.

Their language was kindness, trust and truth.

It was glorified sexy on all fronts.

Some might even dare call it Love.

–  –  –

Then something happened. A darkness crept in.

It began to stain their sacred space. Things that were not meant were said.

Lies became the new truth.

At that time, it was hard to figure out what was happening. You could only stand by the shore watching everything as it crumbled.

In the silence, in the loneliness, the truth revealed itself to her: Fear.

Fear was the monster eating her alive. It was a hungry beast preying on her weaknesses and faults. It broke them apart.

In the sadness, in the regret, another truth revealed itself: “I never wanted this to end.”

The girl confronted the beast head on and though she was left with some bruises, she felt less pain in her heart.

“I love you” she yelled as loud as she possibly could.

“Please forgive me, I beg you.” But no one was there to listen.

Her lover’s heart had grown as cold as winter.

But the girl insisted.

“Please. Give me another chance. I love you.” She repeated and repeated.

Finally a voice answered.

“I’m sorry, I’ve shut down in order to not get hurt again. It was very sad. It broke my soul… So I’ve shut down.

The girl felt herself wanting to shut down too to avoid feeling the pain and the guilt but without fear, this was hard for her to do.

“That’s okay.” she said quietly.

“I’ll be patient. I’ll wait for you to give me another chance.” she said retreating to lay in wait for her love.

–  –  –

They say love conquers all. I’d like to believe that false steps are included in that list.

Imagine a baseball game with only one strike to hit the ball. To get it right.

Imagine a football match made up of a single half.

Imagine our education system without makeup tests.

Imagine hating your mother for the rest of your life because she forgot to get you what you asked.

Imagine an unforgiving lover, unable to let go of the past.

When someone we love has hurt us, betrayed us or let us down it’s painstakingly difficult to offer them (or even someone else) a second chance in the fear of suffering through the same mistake twice.

However, life is made up of second chances. The universe allows it. There is room for it, for with mistakes comes growth and with growth comes change.

So why is it so hard sometimes to give the ones we love a second chance?

Did they hurt us? Yes

Do they deserve our forgiveness? Absolutely.

I’ve never met anyone who hasn’t made a mistake. To err is human. It’s a part of the process. It’s a part of life itself. So why do we find it so difficult to forgive? To move on?

Why do we hold on so desperately to the mistakes as if they were some kind of armor we needed to accumulate to pass to the next round?

This is not a game.

If you’ve ever loved with all your heart and you’ve been wronged, I’m sure you’ve felt the pain. This is the repercussion, the consequence of growing. Hurt.

Sometimes we hurt our own selves and most times we hurt others as well.

There are so many casualties caught up in the crossfire.

What do we do? How do we cope?

How can we move on?

How do we let go?

It’s funny because everyone thinks they know what needs to be done. 10 years ago I didn’t know that forgiving someone had actually nothing to do with them and everything to do with me.

I didn’t know how awful it would be when the expectations you lay on somebody just came crashing down.

I didn’t know how much I could be hurt and more importantly, how much I could hurt. It’s then that I also discovered how much I could love and be loved.

second chance

In my humble opinion, here are 3 steps you must be willing to take in order to offer a second chance:

  1.  Forgiveness

This is primordial and probably the hardest step. Without forgiveness, no matter how great the relationship may be in the present there will always be this cloud of resentment lingering over you. True forgiveness is divine. It comes when you are ready to differentiate between the person and the mistake they’ve committed. By forgiving the person you are letting go of the past, of criticism, of judgment and disappointment. It takes a compassionate and strong heart to truly bestow forgiveness.

  1. Communication

Because a level of trust was destroyed, it is important to build it up again. Some people believe that once trust is lost, it can never be regained. I adamantly deny this reasoning. It takes work and consistent effort but it is not impossible and not without merit. An open line of communication is essential when rebuilding a relationship. You can and you should share what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling on a regular basis, even if what you have to say isn’t that positive, even when In doubt, even if with a whisper or on a post it note. No matter what it is, if you’re thinking it or feeling it, it’s important.

  1. Courage

“Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor – the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” – Brene Brown

Here’s the tricky part. You have to be willing to open up your heart. Your whole heart.

All. Over. Again.

You need to dare. To dream. To place your bet. To take the risk of being hurt again. Yes, I said it. Take the f*cking risk. To trust your humongous, forgiving heart into the abyss. Trust what you’re feeling and hold on to it. There is no running, no hiding, no shirking. Don’t you worry for your heart is made for this. It wants to be let out. It wants to be free. It wants to be put into everything you do… because it’s you.

Second chances aren’t for everyone. They are for the bold hearted. The big hearted. The true hearted. A true second chance needs to feel a lot like the first one. It can be a beautiful thing, your relationship could transform into a much deeper and stronger one. Each situation is unique and only you know if it’s worth another chance.

Here’s to second chances, or better yet, starting over.

Unconditionally…

Oh no, did I get too close?
Oh, did I almost see
What’s really on the inside?
All your insecurities
All the dirty laundry
Never made me blink one time

Unconditional, unconditionally
I will love you unconditionally
There is no fear now
Let go and just be free
I will love you unconditionally

 

This AWESOME song by Katy Perry takes a deep look into what it means to really and truly love someone without conditions.

How many of us can say we have a true love, a pure love, an unconditional love? Do you have someone in your life that you love like this?

It could be your mother, your daughter, your spouse, your best friend, your neighbor…yourself.

Can you say that you love this person with no expectations, without prejudice?

Unconditional means “without conditions”. The general example used to describe the word is: Unconditional Surrender.

I found this odd. It seems that we tend to associate the ‘unconditional’ with pain and suffering. During War Times, an opponent would use unconditional surrender as a way to put psychological pressure on a weaker adversary.

So what is unconditional love all about… and does it even exist?

Modern day society has a different outlook on love than our ancestors. Love these days is a choice and romantic love, in most cases, is seen as a hindrance. To love, by expression, is to create a set of conditions in which to love.

We choose our life partners based on convenience. If we have the same political views, want to settle down in the same neighborhood, want the same amount of kids, agree to let each other pursue our careers, etc.

So, with that in mind, does unconditional love have a space to grow and blossom? I find a lot of modern day relationships to be a kind of contractual agreement between two parties. It’s all about comfort and convenience. Is that really love?

Putting relationships aside, let’s think about unconditional love on a greater scale. What if you could apply unconditional love to every aspect in your life?

To your job, to your boss, to the traffic on your way to work, to the waitress having a bad day and taking it out on you, to the homeless man on the corner asking for a dollar, to your children, to yourself…

Do you see the difference?

It all boils down to the same thing over and over again.

Fear.

We are afraid to be exposed. To be seen. For everything we are as well as everything we’re not. We are scared. We are so scared and it’s killing us my friend…

I’d like you to do an exercise with me. We cannot project unconditional love until we have found that same love in ourselves. How many of you can say you love yourselves unconditionally?

Well… let’s get there. I have 3 steps that helped me and maybe they could help you too:

  1. Look at yourself in the mirror and say your affirmations out loud. Whatever your truth is, say it out loud to yourself. Internalize it, own up to it.
  2. Forgive yourself. Stop criticizing yourself. Stop scrutinizing your mistakes. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or haven’t done in the past. Each day we are born anew.
  3. Give more love. The more you give of yourself, the more you will get back. It’s just the Law of the Universe.

And lastly…

Stare your fear in the face and walk right past it…

“Do one thing every day that scares you.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt

 

Eleanor

Video

Who needs your Love?

I need your love
I need your time
When everything’s wrong
You make it right
I feel so high
I come alive
I need to be free with you tonight
I need your love

I have dedicated this song to myself.

While this song is about being a relationship, I look at it from being in a relationship with YOURSELF.

I find we spend so much of our time, our energy, our thoughts, our feelings, our everything on others. Our family, our friends and our partners, we even stretch ourselves for complete strangers. And I think that’s awesome. I really do. But what about you? Who is loving you? Are you? How often have you neglected yourself for someone else?

There’s the old saying that you can’t love anyone until you learn to love yourself. I think by practicing Self-Love daily, you are more in tune with your core feelings, your true self, your natural spirit and therefore you connect easier with the right people, the right opportunities seem to find you because you are aligned with the Universe.

Loving yourself is an active task. Everyday we must wake and and be conscious that today is another day. No matter how much you loved or neglected yourself yesterday, it starts over today. You can make a change. No one is more deserving of your love than you. Not a soul. You need your love, you need your time. So do yourself a favor and give yourself the gift of YOU!

Compliment yourself, recognize a talent you have, give yourself a pat on the back for facing a challenge, a fear, trying something new. Acknowledge everything about yourself and just fall into a deep love with it.

I think one great tip is that you should always love yourself. If you don’t love yourself, take care of yourself, cater to yourself and that little inner voice, you will really not be very worthy of being with someone else, because you won’t be the best version of you.
Kimora Lee Simmons 

Birds in the sky you know how I feel…

Today I’m in a love mood =]

Which is funny because I have no reason to be. I’m stuck in this relationship limbo place. I’m in one country, my partner is in another. We’re away from each other, things didn’t really end so well when we left… I cried my heart out when we said goodbye but somehow… she’s still in my life. I got a message from her today saying she misses me. It’s always heart warming to know someone, somewhere is thinking of you. Especially if it’s someone you can close your eyes and imagine full-bodied in front of you, trace their skin with your fingers if you wanted to. Someone who has railroads tattooed just so your train would pass through.

Today I’m in a good mood. I’m hopeful. I feel like I can challenge the world. Today I can take criticism with a smile. Today you can try to bring me down, you can try to bully me with your words and your silence but i won’t crumble. I won’t fall. Today I am confident. I am optimistic. Today I am the sky. I am the moon. I am the sea. I am you. And you are me.

“You are the sky.

Everything else – it’s just the weather.”

Pema Chödrön