A Deeper Look Within…

I’ve been thinking a lot about the word “beauty”. When I think of beauty, I automatically think of nature. I think of the original state of a forest or the ocean. It just is and we find it beautiful. It made me think about how that relates to us. We also have an “original state of beauty”. An eternal form which is essentially beautiful. It exists deep within. Under the skin, before the make up, the masks, the clothes and the jewelry. It’s much deeper. You can see its shimmer sometimes through the eyes, the windows of the soul. You can see it sometimes in a smile. You can feel it in an embrace. I wrote this poem to help you remember. Remember how beautiful you are.    

 

Look at you.

Wow.

Just look at you.

You’ve made sadness an artist and gave your face away as a canvas and he has done a masterpiece with it.

The thing is… you’ve forgotten who you are and now you believe you are his work of art.

But sweetheart, I am here to tell you that you are not.

Take your pieces back. Reclaim yourself.

I see through it… all that bullshit you call real.

I see the raw, fierce beauty that lives underneath all that paint.

I see it wanting to be seen.

I see it.

I see you.

And you are fucking exquisite.

How you manage to will yourself asleep to play the part of the devil’s muse everyday I will never know.

Without speaking, you’re asking if it’s okay for you to fall.

Down, all the way.

Knees melting from the impact, flesh meeting earth, to revert back to your chemical composition.

Oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium. You’re all there and there is nothing more than this.

Nothing else.

You’re tired of trying to convince yourself that there is.

You can’t take a second more of pretending, of trying, of smiling, of nodding, gossiping and comparing.

You want out of the contract you signed with blood the minute you were born.

You want to be at peace. You need to be at peace.

I respect and worship the power in your grit.

Do you know your worth, love?

Do you know your truth, love?

Because it knows you.

And it is waiting, just waiting for you.


There, in the silence, in the tender moments.
When you get tired of carrying all that weight,
When you think no one is watching and you let it go.
You take it off and slip into the subtle version of you.
That being of truth that knows your vastness,
Your expansiveness, your reach.


You are the answer to every question you’ve ever had.

Why are you living so shallow?

What keeps you so scared?

Why is it so easy to be so little when you have everything coursing through you?

Tell me. Talk to me. Spill your secrets.

I want to love you.

All that means is that I want to be who I am around you.

I want you to meet me here.

To stand firmly on honest ground.

To say who you are out loud.

I am Love.
I am Joy.
I am Bliss.
I am Beauty.

Say each one out loud and soak into it.

You know it’s true.

I feel it in you.

Don’t look away for validation.

You don’t even need to believe me,

All you have to do is remember.

You beautiful goddess creature, just remember where you came from.

Dim the lights and close your eyes and let yourself fly.

Go wherever you want to go, away from the drama, from the roles.

Away from the mundane, from the everyday.

In the silence, let the truth speak.

Let your heart tell you what you came here to do.

You crave to be something the world has never seen.

So ask yourself honestly…

What’s stopping you?

 

 

A Wake for my Weaknesses

 

“I would rather die a meaningful death than to live a meaningless life.”
Corazon Aquino
I am always first to admit when I make a mistake. I have no pride holding me back from recognizing that I am flawed. After all, I am human. But I am also divine. And I am now learning how to live from this divine nature within me…
For me this hasn’t been easy since I am someone prone to playing the victim role. There is always something or someone else to blame for what is happening to me…
I come from a line of toxic family beliefs: “money is the best indicator of success, vulnerability is a sign of weakness, honesty is cowardice, love is meaningless, time for leisure is laziness, etc etc”
For a long time, all I remember is how much I criticized myself for not meeting these standards. How well I put myself down, oh boy, I should’ve won some kind of prize. I didn’t appreciate any of my qualities. I always focused on what I didn’t have or what I was missing or what I had in excess.
It wasn’t until I discovered meditation that my old story and belief patterns were able to melt away and I could fall into the truth of who I am.
How you perceive yourself creates the filter, the lens through which you see everything… your entire world. How you see others is a reflection of how you see yourself. So if you see yourself as unworthy, you are going to seek worthiness in places and people…. and that just isn’t healthy. Trust me, I know.
But when we see ourselves as beings of energy, of love, of peace, beauty and bliss…. we allow ourselves to shine and we give permission to the other person to do so as well.
I now follow a specific spiritual path. Practicing Raja Yoga meditation, dedicating myself to serving others, having a focus of self-study and personal growth in order to be an example through my dharna. Being a part of a spiritual family and transcending the human form to become who we once were: Shaktis. This practice is my life and this is where the inspiration for my article comes from.

This path brings you face to face with the best and the worst in you. Your old story comes up and claws into you trying to hold on for dear life. This old story contains all our weakness and vices. All our sins and crimes.

It is not enough to just recognize them. The objective is to leave them behind. To destroy that which no longer serves you so you can make room for the light. To say it’s an emotional roller-coaster is an understatement. Fear  will appear like a knight in shining armor convinced that is has come to save you!
What I’ve found is that we can’t focus on our weaknesses, but rather our strengths. The stronger we are, the stronger the opposition. In order to stop identifying ourselves with our weaknesses we need to start to identify with our strengths, our innate qualities, our virtues, our powers. The more we connect with the wholeness that we are, the more we close the door to our faults. 
I have recently buried three very important weaknesses in my life. Each one of us knows who our monsters are and what they look like. These are mine. Thank you all for coming to their funeral:

My doubts


You are like this grey cloud in my head. Literally inside. And not only do you rain down on me, you constantly pass judgment! You are the birthplace of my confusion, my insecurity and my lack of decision-making.

You are the reason I always second guess myself. Why I don’t have trust or faith.

Where did you come from? Sometimes you feel like a lost boy. I wish I could get you home.

Sometimes you disguise yourself as intelligence (rational or emotional). But the truth is that I always see through you. I know you but I let you take over anyway. You always make it seem like I have more to lose than to gain. But I have clarity now, I have love and I have light. I have power. You feel smaller now, but you’re still there… surviving.

Maybe if you let go, it will liberate you. Maybe at the bottom of that abyss is your home, who knows?

I think you should go. I don’t need you anymore. Thank you for our time. You really forced me to fight hard against you so… thank you. But really, you can go now. I’ll be just fine without you.


My guilt


You’re like a husband I never had.

That old ball & chain.

I’ve dragged you around for as long as I can remember.

I sometimes think I was born with you.

But what good have you done me?

You come to me as self-pity and I wallow in you.

I used to consider you my conscience.

You’d be the one to tell me what was right and what was wrong.

But to you, everything I wanted was wrong.

You told me I was selfish. You even told me to stop wanting things. That I could live without having anything. That I had to learn to appreciate what I had. That there was happiness and reward in sacrifice. That by following you, I was being humble and noble.

What kind of bias conscience are you? My whole life I felt remorse for not doing or being what others wanted me to be and you… oh, you had a party with that. Every time I was about to make a decision for myself and my happiness, I envisioned how it would impact others and boom! You exploded like a supernova in my heart. Why couldn’t I just want what others wanted me to want for myself? You made me hate that I was different. What is so wrong with wanting to live life just for me? Why is it my duty, my obligation to fulfill all the expectations put on me? Last time I checked, I wasn’t a fairy. So why do you keep suffocating me? How can I fly with your weight holding my soul down like gravity? I don’t know how to get rid of you yet, but for now I’ve learned a neat trick. I learned that I can reverse you. Instead of feeling you when I let others down, I will only feel you when I let myself down. You will only haunt me when I am not being true to myself. To my beliefs. You will also have a companion from now on. Her name is compassion.


My fears


I have carried you around for so long. You’ve become like an old friend that’s no good for me yet one I choose over others who are more worthy.

You keep me in the dark, and the hardest part is that I know the light. I’ve seen it. I recognize it. But you make it seem out of reach for me.

How long do you intend on keeping me prisoner?

You take the joy out of life. You blind me. Turn me into something I’m not.

You make me ugly and small. I’m tired of waiting for you to release me. I kept thinking that if I grew up, matured, and deepened my knowledge in spirituality that you would let me go. But NO. Here you are.

Gate keeper of my happiness and freedom.

I now realize that it was never your responsibility to release me.

I had to release YOU.

I had the power all along.

But I know you. You’re going to try to come back to me. That’s alright. I’ll never forget whose boss again.

You are not my friend. You don’t keep me safe. You keep me locked in a cage.

I’m letting you go. I’ll take the risk of being hurt or rejected or unloved or defeated.

Whatever comes my way, I’ll face it. My happiness is worth the risk.

My freedom is worth fearlessness.

The Pain of Perception

 

Check out the girl in this photo. How does she look to you?

If you had to describe the picture in one word what would it be?

Did any of the following words come to mind: Fat, Ugly, Insecure, Unworthy.

Probably not.

Here’s the deal. The girl in the pic? That’s me… about 3 years ago.

I was by a beach on the east coast of Argentina. They were truly happy days for me. But… what you probably don’t know and can’t pick up from this photo is how much self-loathing I had for myself.

You see… I write about love. Especially self-love… not because I am some hippie obsessed with love but because I KNOW what it’s like to be without love and the difference it makes to have love and further more, to recognize that you ARE love.

For years, I did not love myself. I hated my body, I hated the way I looked, the incessant hair that grew on my arms and face, I hated the clothes I had to wear because I was a girl, I pretty much disliked everything about me.

In my entire family, I felt like I was the only one who was overweight. I was also the only tomboy. The odd one. The black sheep. I didn’t want to get married so I was defying my parent’s principles and expectations and maybe even the illusion of their purpose for existence. Outcast. Marginalized. Rebel. But it didn’t make me proud. It hurt. It ached. But the truth was stronger than the pain. I knew I had to keep moving forward. And so I did… despite the opposition. I didn’t realize how brave that was.

But I looked at that picture above and I couldn’t help but laugh! I love that photo. It’s so beautiful. They’re a couple of pictures where you see a purple ring around me, a lot people say it’s my aura! It’s almost as if you could see the soul.

But you know what? During that moment, all I remember is how much I criticized myself. How well I put myself down, oh boy, I should’ve won some kind of prize. I didn’t appreciate my beauty. Not just physical. In general. I always focused on what I didn’t have or what I was missing or what I had in excess. Funny enough, now when I look at photos from the past all I can see is the beauty!

How could I not notice the beauty? I hope I am not coming across as vein now, haha, but really… honestly… if you guys knew how much I beat myself up for not fitting into a stereotype you would understand how elated I feel now to notice that I never had to. That it was so superficial. That I was never in competition with anyone. All I had to do is be me. I wish I could go back in time to the girl I was and appreciate her! Life would be so different…

But.. I am here now. Honoring myself. My beauty, my mind, my heart, my energy.

When I see that photo now, I remember that the girl in that photo, as flawed as she thinks she is, she is also beautiful. So beautiful, so free, so loving, so kind, so generous, so independent, so deep, so spontaneous and full of life! This is her essence.

IMG-20160515-WA0005

I can’t stress it enough. How you perceive yourself creates the filter, the lens through which you see everything… your entire world. How you see others is a reflection of how you see yourself. So if you see yourself as unworthy, you are going to seek worthiness in places and people…. and that just isn’t healthy. Trust me, I know.

The worst part is… no one can get you to do it. No matter how hard I try… I can’t make you love you. You have to decide to. Just like I did. One day, you just wake up and decide you are going to be loving and gentle and kind with your body, your heart and your mind.

So, whether you are a self-loving enthusiast, on the path or not there yet, know that I am here to support you in your journey. Because this is a journey. So don’t rush to get to the destination. All will come in due time. For now, observe yourself. Start noticing how you talk to yourself. How you communicate with your inner world. We think it’s okay because no one can hear us but we’re wrong. WE hear it. So just notice…. and find one thing about yourself that you absolutely LOVE. Like really, really love. Write it down, paint it, dance it, sing it, remix it, collage it, instagram or twitter it and bask in the joy of it!

Happy Sunday ❤

lovemyself

If you would like to hear me go on and on about Love check out some of my previous posts! I will leave the links below:

An open love letter to my Heart

Let Love In

Same Love

You are LOVED

Higher Love

Strength in Vulnerability

I’ll Never Be Enough

Give your heartstrings a tug..

f4c750804df7207fc9118281c1a792c7

I suffer from F.O.B.S {& more confessions…}

I’ve procrastinated for over 2 weeks deliberating whether or not to write this article. Alas, here I am.

This is going to be a tad different from other posts. I’m going to get more personal and intimate with you. More open, more honest.

Am I a positive person? Hell yes.

Am I spiritual? I am constantly practicing spirituality.

Am I kind? The older I get, the kinder I get.

Am I good? As good as I want to be on a good day.

Am I perfect? No freaking way.

I am human after all.

Could I be better? Yes.

Could I be happier? Indeed.

Could I be more stable in my emotions? Absolutely!

Could I achieve great things? Yes. Yes. Yes.

What’s stopping me?

That is what we’re going to talk about today…

You see, I think that ever since childhood I’ve suffered from this particular syndrome.

I call it the F.O.B.S, i.e:

THE FEAR OF BEING SEEN

 

Just by hearing this, you can probably relate. Maybe it made you smile or shy away. Either way, I know I’m not alone in this.

The Fear of Being Seen Syndrome has plagued me my whole life.

Imagine that you are the sole owner of the biggest, brightest, clearest and finest diamond in the entire world. What do you do? Wear it around your neck everywhere you go? Or keep it somewhere hidden where you know it will be safe?

Now imagine, that diamond… is you. You are this beautiful, one of a kind gem. You’re priceless. So what do you do? Do you put yourself out there, lay your truth bare, stand naked in Times Square to show off your radiance? No… you hide it. You keep it safe. You protect it. Or at least that’s what you tell yourself…

our-deepest-fear-is-not-that-we-are-inadequate-our-deepest-fear-is-that-we-are-powerful-beyond-measure

All these years, it’s what I told myself. I was SO AFRAID of being seen. Of someone discovering the REAL me. Of being recognized for who I really am. Of being noticed for my kindness, my thoughts, my words, my deeds, and most importantly…. My heart.

Yet, at the same time, I was DYING for someone to see beyond what I would show. Like some magic stare from some magical person could break through all the falsities and just see… me. If it happened like that, I would know that I was safe.

Ultimately, it was a fear of being hurt, rejected, judged, criticized, also a fear or raising the bar of expectations (for others and myself), a fear of not being able to go backwards, a fear of not recognizing myself, of losing the relationship I had with me. A fear of being inadequate, of not feeling like enough….. Basically, the entire dictionary of fears!

No matter what I did, I couldn’t shake these fears off my shoulders. I collected all my insecurities like jewelry and decorated myself with them.

For years I felt heavy. Unaware of the invisible weight I was carrying around with me. (not to mention the additional physical weight of top of that!)

It took me YEARS and I mean that literally to gain some perspective, some self-love and self-respect.

To love myself, want myself and choose myself the way I wanted others to.

It took me decades to value and appreciate my strengths, my talents, my gifts, my AWESOMENESS!

Like I am a GREAT listener (seriously, ask anybody), If you’re my friend you know you can always count on me, I’m a giving lover, I’m a challenging daughter (in a  good way hahaha, I love you Ma & Pa), I’m a grateful traveler, a pretty rad teacher. However, there are things I want to try that push me outside of that attractive comfort zone so I keep procrastinating because secretly I am terrified of trying new things (yup). For example, my friends tell me I have a really nice voice and I’ve got a knack for storytelling. I actually love to tell stories. However, making videos or starting a podcast intimidates me. (plus im not as technologically savvy as I seem…. You see what happened right there? Another limiting belief… * mental delete*)

These are things that I push through, little by little, piece by piece, day by day, until the puzzle is complete.

fabulous

I KNOW I have so much more to offer, to give away, to learn, to see, to be. Sometimes during my meditations I feel this power surge through me, begging me to be released. How? Where? Into what? These are the current questions that plague me.

How do I reach a state of full expression? Without limitations or restrictions?

How do I let myself show, completely, unapologetically, openly, strongly, and wholeheartedly?

How do I let go of my fear of being more that what I thought I was capable of?

How do I fall into all this gorgeous glory?

Gosh, does it really belong to me?

YES!!!! Because IT IS ME!

So, I guess, my advice to you after all these years of searching and hurting and growing and breaking and learning is the following:

Life is a story and you are the main character. You can choose to be the hero, the villain or the victim.

But ultimately, it’s your choice. You can hold so many titles. Play so many characters. Just choose the one that fits you best.

Every day I choose to be the hero. The warrior. The kindness agent. The dream maker. The philosopher. The gardener. The healer. The photographer. The artist. The musician. The nomad. The label breaker. The seamstress. The butterfly. The leaf. The sun rays. The treasure. The diamond. The student. The guest. The star. The instrument. The raindrop. The feather. The cloud. The ocean. The rock. The scientist. The lotus. The dragon. The swan. The passenger. The key. The pearl. The projector. The blank page. The entire damn Saga.

You are a soul. You are Concentrated Energy. Know this. Know the light that you hold. The power within.

Know your worth. Discover you’re limitless. Admire yourself.

You are everything you have ever searched for

You are Love

You are Peace

You are Happiness

You are Truth

You are Beauty

You are Bliss

Know this

Feel this

Be this

And allow yourself to shine through

All the fears and BS around you

Just…

Be.

Dear Reader,

I beg of you…

Remember your divinity.

 

{this article was mad scary to write so please be gentle with your comments. My big, open, heart would appreciate it. Thanks}

,

I’ll Never be enough…

Have you EVER said this to yourself?

I’ll never be…

good enough

smart enough

pretty enough

thin enough

just… not enough.

I wish I could say I don’t have these thoughts about myself anymore, but every now and then they pop up to remind me of the limiting beliefs I used to hold as true.

Now I know just a little better…

Now I know that no matter what or when, I am ALWAYS enough.

It’s not even something I need to be, it is something I am inherently.

It’s my fears, my self-doubts, my poor self-esteem that keep me from seeing me for all that I am and for appreciating myself just as I am.

 

Doesn’t it hurt?

When you’re unkind to yourself?

Don’t you start to feel even worse?

Negative attracts negative. It’s a downward spiral from there. I know this feeling. I’ve seen myself fall down the ladder so many times. Gosh.

But you want to know the beautiful part? The really satisfying part? The empowering moment? It’s that split second. That instant where you make a decision to say NO to the self-loathing and YES to the self-loving. It’s getting up from your knees to make a stand again. It’s facing… everything. Including yourself. It’s the star of courage you earn, and the scar of gold etched onto your heart that makes it bearable.

YOU, my dear, are special. You probably already know that, maybe you’re sick of hearing it but I am telling you what I think about YOU and i know for a fact that…

YOU ARE SO SPECIAL!

You are one of a kind. No one on this planet can replace you. You have a unique gift for the world that only you can share. You are an explosive miracle!

Don’t believe me? Listen here to Jim Carrey…

So my dear, beautiful, kindred brother or sister, you beautiful soul… I urge you today to make the right choice.

No matter the problem or situation… Choose LOVE!

Share yourself with the Universe. Be that ocean in a drop.

self lveo

 

Choose YOU. Because you are so worth it!

lovemyself

 

______________________________________________________

02/02 UPDATE: Don’t you just love SERENDIPITY? One day after my post, a brilliant article was posted on Elephant Journal. The subject matter was:

5 Truths to Remember when you Feel like you are Not Enough

Also, this amazing photo showed up on my feed:

12650964_10153385915607444_8543648808607041812_n

 

The Universe is conspiring lovely one. Feel it. Breathe it. Use it. Share it.

 

Wake Up, Speak Up. {The Pain of Healing}

Life.

There are billions of metaphors about life.

Life is like a roller-coaster, like a tree, like a balloon, like a ship, like a winter coat, like a pet, like a Madonna song, like a mountain, like a river, like a bird and so on and so forth.

Today, life is like a war. You go in with an ideal, hoping to fight for something, praying you get it on your way out.

Usually, death is an uncertainty. We live in blissful ignorance about our expiration date. I don’t know if I have 5 hours, 5 days or 50 years left.

Some of us do know. It’s just the kind of hand we’ve been dealt. There are still incurable diseases out there. Huntington’s disease, Coronary Artery disease, COPD, Cancer, HIV/AIDS, etc. These diseases are death sentences.

Then there is something more subtle at play. An area I believe we don’t spend enough attention focusing on: Mental Illnesses. This includes anxiety disorders, eating disorders, bipolar disorder and depression. Diseases like this can cause the victim to take their own life.

According to a report by PBS, More than 54 million (or nearly one in five) Americans have a mental disorder in any given year. The risk of suicide makes untreated manic-depressive illness more fatal than heart disease and some forms of cancer.

I guess you don’t really take notice of certain things until they hit home for you.

On the 12 of March, 2015 one of my best friends tried to commit suicide. After 10 days of being in the ICU with burns covering 90% of her body, she passed away.

lety

My full of life, happy go lucky, dancing, dreaming, valedictorian, kick ass doctor friend chose to end her life.

Why? An acute postpartum depression that went unnoticed, among other things.

She gave birth to a beautiful baby boy in October. Add depression on to a preexisting struggle with OCD. You get a recipe for suicide.

For years she’s been struggling with OCD. I don’t think I ever understood the gravity of her problem. She always seemed to have it all together. When she told me she wanted to become a doctor after having studied two years of civil engineering I laughed because I knew that she would be terrific at it. When she told me she was taking flamenco and reiki classes because she didn’t plan to be a doctor forever I nodded and kept telling her “if there’s anyone capable of doing anything, it’s you”. I truly believed that. Lety was one of those people that inspired you. Her lightness and enthusiasm reminded you what being human was all about. She was someone you’d look up to. Today, I rummage through all the memories we built over the 17 years that I knew her. We went to high school together. She was always voted most pretty, most intelligent, most likable, most likely to succeed. There was no one in that school that didn’t love her. She had a soul that would shine right out of her eyes.

But she was secretly at war. At war with her mind. I know what it’s like, I’m always fighting to stay in control of my mind so I know what it’s like to be dragged down the rabbit hole against your will.

These last few months when she told me what was going on, I tried to help her. I shared any and every kind of knowledge I had with her. From Buddhist spiritual practices to Hindu rituals. From self-help to consciousness books. The power of our thoughts create our reality, our perception dictates what we see as true. I believe this. I tried to help her to see that. I tried every day for four months. Last month, for five days, I stopped. I took a break. She wasn’t budging. I needed to recharge. I dropped the ball. And now she’s dead. Now I will never get a chance to speak to her again.

And I have to say, it’s the most excruciating pain I’ve ever experienced.

I haven’t been taking her death as gracefully as I should, knowing all I know.

There’s this remorse, this guilt that eats at me. I didn’t take her suicide talk seriously. I’ve always seen her as a logical and strong woman. I never thought anything like this would happen to her.

Which is why I’m writing today. After the incident, several people around me came forward to let me know that i’m not alone. I was shocked to find out that there were so many people that had suffered similar situations and they only realized the gravity of the issue after it was too late.

self harm

Today, I want to encourage you, whoever is reading, to speak up.

Mental illness is a disease of the mind. We lose sovereignty over the organ that makes us who we are.

If you suspect or know someone suffering from a mental illness, do something about it. Do something as if they had a cut and they were bleeding out right in front of you.

The absence of physical symptoms makes it hard sometimes to recognize or understand the pain that a victim of mental illness suffers but believe me, they are very much suffering.

If you are someone who is struggling with a mental illness, speak up. Tell someone. Seek help. You’d be surprised at the love, support and understanding you can find from a stranger. It is not too late for you because you are still alive and you can make the choice to stay that way.

And finally, if you have lost someone to an illness and are grieving like me, then, let it out. Take your time to make your peace. Don’t lie to yourself. Don’t tell yourself its okay when its not.

A lot of people have been giving me unsolicited advice. Advice like “it’s a part of life, it will pass, time will heal” I’m not saying its wrong, its just something I’m not ready to hear right now. The death of my friend has shook me down to my core.

Poetry is my current outlet for getting out all my pent up emotions. The advice I got stirred a rage in me I had to get out.

She knows me. I’m not one to reply with a fine, thanks.

She knows I am a hurricane that shakes the honest awake.

When i’m not okay, i’m not fucking okay.

And it’s okay to not be fucking okay.

Its okay to say you’re not fucking okay.

“A little bit.” I say. “Im worn out.”

“Why?” she asks.

It’s hard to say.

“Just how I feel” I reply.

“It’ll pass” she asserts.

It’ll pass.

Let me tell you about a few things that will pass.

An airplane passes the Atlantic to arrive in Europe, Troy is always frightened it will fall out of the sky.

Easter passes every year, Maria is scared she won’t get enough chocolates.

Children worry about passing their exams.

My mother prays she lives to pass 80.

There are few things that when they pass you can get over without much distress.

Missing an appointment, being misunderstood, not having a cent to your name.

However, they are other things that we must respect,

And we must understand, even if we don’t.

Things that we cannot take lightly.

My best friend is dead.

She died.

She took her life.

That is not light.

There is nothing light in my life right now.

Only heavy.

So please, dear God, allow me to be worn out and worn down.

Allow me to speak it.

To share it.

And recognize my scars.

Let them be for the time being.

For I also know that time will play a tune

And eventually make it all alright again.

But don’t minimize this pain,

This howling grief inside my bones.

It is the only companion I have.

The only truth I hold.

I pray for a world, for a future where a broken heart is treated just as gently as a broken arm.

Where we don’t need bravery to stand up and say to someone else “I’m not okay”

A future where our health plan includes mental sick days.

None of us are really, truly okay. We’re all just trying our best.

Falling down and getting back up again.

Let’s be more compassionate.

More honest.

More open.

You never know, you could save a life that way. It could be your own.

You don’t have to try…

Why should you care, what they think of you
When you’re all alone, by yourself
Do you like you? Do you like you?

I have to admit. I cried when I heard this song. It took me back to a time, a time where all I ever did was try.

I tried to fit in, I tried to be accepted, I tried to please others. Make them proud. I tried to be what they wanted me to be.

It was painful. 

I felt so far from the person that everyone wanted me to be and I felt less because of it.

I felt so small, so worthless, a disgrace in many ways.

I was different. I always was. This fact always made me feel out of place.

I was lost. Where did I belong?

Today. Oh, today is a glorious day. Today is a day I’m proud of that struggle. Because if gave me strength. That strength then transformed into the courage I needed to follow my heart.

Today I’m a soul that’s fallen into my body. Today there’s nothing you could tell me that would make me like myself any less.

“At that moment I was sure. That I belonged in my skin. That my organs were mine and my eyes were mine and my ears, which could only hear the silence of this night and my faint breathing, were mine, and I loved them and what they could do.”

— Dave Eggers

Sure, the people that had problems with me then still have them with me now.

I’m too boyish, too overweight, too this, too that.  

But that’s ok. Because I am ok with it. I accept myself. I love myself and I know that I am more than the sum of my parts. I am heart, I am soul, I am creativity, I am magic. And you can’t fit that on any scale or put it into any outfit.

This society we live in, this crazy popular society likes to categorize things, give everything it’s appropriate label, stereotype things to make it easier. So a lot of people end up with labels such as “freak, weirdo, pervert, ugly, fat, wh*re, b*tch…” and the list goes on.

Would you ever speak to someone you love like that? How could you ever refer to another soul in that manner?

The problem is Vision. We have a limited vision. We see things on the surface and we assess their value based on that. We make too many assumptions and we aren’t looking at the whole picture.

Connect with yourself. Connect with your TRUE SELF. The being that you truly are. A being of light, of beauty, of truth, happiness, of power and virtue.

Really look at yourself with the vision of your soul.

I practice looking at myself in the mirror on mornings and I recite an affirmation:

“You are a being of light. You are wondrous. You are gorgeous. You are powerful. You have a purpose. Share that today with someone” 

I then carry that soul vision around with me, It’s like wearing a pair of shades and I see the entire Universe in a different light. Everything is… just a little more bright.

And people. One of my favorite things to do these days in this new city that I’m in is to sit in a park and watch people pass me by. The range and variety of them, their laughter, their chatter, their expressions, their energy are so contrasting. So unique. Each soul is unique. I feel like a witness to a miracle for each person that passes me by. I appreciate each and every one of them.

Do you think you could do that? Put on the glasses of your soul and look at yourself and love yourself. really love yourself. deep down. in spaces no one else knows about but you. in your darkness. in your downfalls. on your bad hair days. with your fears, your doubts, your mistakes. Know that there is nothing NOT worth loving.

You are lovable. You are 100% lovable. You don’t need to hide an inch or change a thing.

Look into the mirror, at yourself
Don’t you like you?
Cause I like you

Be that awesome person that you are and share that vision with someone else.

Make someone else feel just as awesome as you 🙂

Namaste.

A Love Letter to my Heart…

I have a question for you: Have you ever heard your heart? Have you ever heard the intricacies of it…how loudly it beats, how it accelerates, if it ever trembles and if it ever cries? It was my birthday this weekend, and as a birthday gift I had participated in a Silence Retreat just outside of the city of Santiago, in a place called Portillo in Chile. It’s usually a destination for ski enthusiasts during the winter, but right now the place was empty, deserted, awaiting the brave souls that were willing to venture out in silence in search of themselves. Even though I had many discoveries that I will share with you in the future during my week of silence, the one that really hit me, really spoke to me, opened me up, transformed me to the point of no return was… my heart.

A glimpse of Portillo...
A glimpse of Portillo…

I really heard it. Everything it is, everything it holds, everything it keeps, everything it gives. It was all there, so exposed to me now. I went to sleep to the sound of my beating heart and I woke up to it, when i felt an emotion, it was like feeling it in slow motion, I felt how the seed of the emotion grew from the center of my heart and expanded into every atom in my body, I even felt how it transcended my body and like a painter with a steady hand, painted the aura around me. I felt that. And then, after a few meditations and really embracing the silence, I heard it’s voice. The voice of Love was now a channel that was completely open to me. And we had so much catching up to do. I discovered just how much love I have inside me, in all its forms, for me and for everything and everyone else. And there is such a beauty, such wisdom, such delicacy when I think back on that moment. Because even though my chats with Love lasted a short span of time, it felt like forever. It still feels like forever.

Dialogue with Love...
Dialogue with Love…

Now Love isn’t quite hard to find you see, and it’s something we do quite often, I would say on a daily basis. If you are here and reading this then you’re probably like me and you probably Love as much as you Breathe. But we need to Listen. That is the key. In a world where we are losing our listening, that is harder and harder to do. But I implore you… wherever, whenever you can, seek the silence. For it is a space that you can fill with the echo of yourself. Where you can really hear yourself, and listen to yourself. Listen to your mind, listen to your thoughts, listen to your heart, listen to Love. If you have a question, you might get an answer or two. If you have a request, you might just find the courage. We must seek a relationship with ourselves, with our hearts, with our love in the same way that we seek relationships with others. In fact, we should be a priority. The more Love you have in you, the more you’re able to share. So, if this touches you in any way, let it be in this way: You are amazing. You are wonderful. You are wondrous. You are unexplored territory. There is so much within you waiting to be discovered. Dig. Dive. Look. Listen. Seek. And be amazed by the magnificence of your own Being. Namaste.

Video

Black Dog Days Will Pass

In collaboration with WHO to mark World Mental Health Day, writer and illustrator Matthew Johnstone tells the story of overcoming the “black dog of depression”.

How many of you have seen The Black Dog?
How many of you had kept it as a pet in your own home?
How many of you still take a walk with it everyday?

I do.

I’ve struggled with the black dog my entire life.

As a child, I wasn’t the most “ordinary” girl. The other girls wanted to play with Barbie dolls and go shopping, I wanted to climb trees and go exploring. The things that made me happiest or made me feel accomplished (attempting to climb a tree and actually reaching the top) were of no value to my parents. In fact, they would yell and be disappointed at my lack of lady-like mannerisms. That’s when the puppy appeared.

As a pre-teen, I was overweight. Acne and extra belly fat is a bad combination at any age… But at 10 it’s all too horrific. The puppy grew a little more.

As an adolescent, my everyday routine could be condensed into one word: Struggling.

I was at that age where I was able to assimilate all my thoughts and emotions, I was able to give them words and meanings. I was so tortured now that I think of it. I would bathe myself in hurt everyday. Everything would weigh me down. Not living up to expectations, not being pretty, not being smart enough, not being creative, gutsy, not knowing what I wanted to do, not taking risks. I missed out on a lot of my life because of fear. And then I hated myself for it. Plus, I was dealing with some serious self-denial about my sexuality. Plus, I had developed an eating disorder. To say the least, I was pretty suicidal in college.

That is why it humbles me down to my bones everyday to remember where I came from and to know that I’ve gotten to a beautiful place I like to call “This”. My present. My moment. To remember my limiting beliefs, my lack of self confidence, of self esteem, of emotion. You can read my “Confession” in my previous post Pain, My Mentor to know what I’m talking about. I’ve had to overcome a series of painful events in order to break free. But I’ve learned that’s how life works, isn’t it? The harder we fall, the higher we fly. 

Today, however, one of my long standing monsters is “Discipline”. Self-control has never been my forte. That’s why I can never stick to a schedule or a diet or a routine. That’s why I’ve been scrambling to find the time to meditate for weeks, that’s why I’ve been begging myself to sit down and write during the night because… I have no order. I have no discipline. I know what my problem is and what I need to do in order to improve on it… but some days I fall short. Very short. Luckily, I’ve learned the art of forgiving oneself so it keeps me afloat and I know that each day is a day for me to try again.

I’m nowhere near perfect, but I’m a person that gets up and tries everyday to be better and that is good enough for me.

I know a lot of people are out there right now struggling. It hurts me to know that some are battling with no light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I could tell me that dark days don’t last forever, that the sun always shines. I wish I could tell them that they’re innocent and they’ve done no wrong, that it’s ok to just be down at times. I wish I could shine some light into their lives.

Please share this if you or someone you know is suffering from depression. Help shine the light and know for a fact that sadness doesn’t last. Before you know it…

Video

Clarity

‘Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn’t need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don’t know why

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love’s insanity, why are you my clarity?

I love to self-dedicate songs. So when I heard this song, I thought it was the perfect melody. It had just the right amount of good music & meaningful lyrics. It spoke of a message that made everything crystal clear to me. I dedicated this song to a piece of me I wish I didn’t need… My Ego.

We could sit here and talk all day about Ego. We both know it loves the attention. What is the Ego to you? Ego has been described to mean many things.

“Ego” is a Latin and Greek (ἑγώ) word meaning “I”, often used in English to mean the “self”, “identity” or other related concepts, Ego has also often been quoted by writers and philosophers as the “false self”. Freud considers the Ego to be a kind of Super-Human. So, you see, the Ego can be many things. More importantly, the Ego is what you make it to be. The Ego has no power on its own, only what you give it, what you feed it. It lives and dies because of you.

During one of my meditations a few years ago I feel like I went on a long journey with my Ego (my Ego likes to be spoken of with a capital E).

It took me to deep places of my subconscious and showed me memories of my past that I had blocked out. It was showing me the source of why I had become the person that I was…an angry, rebellious, pessimistic teenager. It was showing me those memories so I could take away the power of them. So I could forgive the ones I loved, myself and move on. It became my guide that day.

Some people will tell you that to achieve a higher level of consciousness or to become more spiritually attuned that you have to “kill the ego”. I don’t believe in that concept. I think a person is far more wiser when he learns to accept and coexist with his Ego. Because, at the end of the day it is a part of oneself. Our Ego is necessary. It can protect us, comfort us, educate us and enlighten us if we were to believe in its good nature. Remember that your thoughts alter the Universe. If you have negative thoughts about something, you are planting a seed of negativity in that thing. If you think your Ego is “evil” and out to get you. Guess what? That’s what it’ll do.

My Ego has taken over me a lot during my lifetime and not in a good way. When I am vulnerable or unhappy my Ego steps in for me. In order to protect me from getting hurt any further, it becomes a shield. It says and does all the things that I personally am not brave enough to do. My Ego has the ability to say “No”. My Ego was my pride. After I let go of my pride, after I stopped feeding it and seeking it, the Ego remained. It had a different purpose now, it was there to remind me of other people’s pride. It was there to warn me about people who like to take advantage of humble people. People with ulterior motives, with fake promises, with hidden personalities. I still had to learn the lesson the hard way because I had an unwavering heart that wanted to believe in the best of people. I believed that if you give someone a chance to do right, they will. I must admit it’s idealism, and even though that’s true, I will never stop trying and believe (while my Ego growls in the background).

The truth is, my Ego is my friend. I have been through so much with it. We have fought, I have tried to cut it out of my life, I have tried to lock it up, to silence it, to bargain with it, to fight with it again, to really get physical with it, to hurt it, to heal it only to hurt it again and back to fighting it and finally accepting it. My Ego may not fully accept me. I still haven’t lived up to its expectations as yet, but I accept it. Because I accept Me. I am not perfect. I am just me. And I love every itty, bitty, little piece of me. Including my big, fat Ego. (there I go hurting it again.)

Talk to your Ego. Get some clarity. Open your eyes. Discover a new side of you. Would it be too bold to suggest even loving your Ego? By loving it i mean treating it with love. The same way you treat yourself, all your body parts, your quirks, your “flaws” and all the things that make you who you are. Don’t let your ego BLIND you, let it GUIDE you.