I went to sleep to the sound of my beating heart and I woke up to it; when i felt an emotion, it was like feeling it in slow motion, I felt how the seed of the emotion grew from the center of my heart and expanded into every atom in my body, I even felt how it transcended my body and like a painter with a steady hand, painted the aura around me. I felt that.
“Our deepest calling is to grow into our own authentic self-hood, whether or not it conforms to some image of who we ought to be. As we do so, we will not only find the joy that every human being seeks–we will also find our path of authentic service in the world.”
― Parker J. Palmer
This quote comes at a timely moment in my life. A beautiful and dear friend of mine has recently exposed me to Parker Palmer. I am now submerging myself into some of his writings. The discussion we had was about truth and authenticity. She told me Parker talks about our experiments with truth, as Gandhi put it. We are constantly searching, trying, listening and searching for a path, a way of life that works with who we are. We are who we are and anything we can do for ourselves along the lines of self-acceptance or any other form of interior growth toward wholeness and well/being is ultimately being done on behalf of other people. It’s not a selfish act as it’s being treated. It’s work being done on behalf of the common good.
I am in a personal fight on this one. My calling, my desires, my purpose, what I want to do with my life goes against the wishes of the ones closest to me, the ones who raised me, who want what’s best for me. This has been my eternal struggle. Do I still continue on my path even though I am confronted with opposition? I have given up in the past but as I get older I realize that the most important thing in life is to stay true to yourself. To do what YOU think is best.
“And you are far from a monster or a failure or dishonorable. You’re brave and kind and willing to be true to your heart and open with those you care about. And I’m sorry that it’s bringing pain/turmoil now.” are the words of solace my friend provided to me.
I have made a decision to embark on a new journey and I am battling with my adversaries. How do I look at the people who raised me in the face, who brought me to life, thanks to whom I have become everything that I am, how do I tell them to let me go? To let me walk my path. Whatever that is. Whatever that may be. Life is pulling in one direction, I sense a whisper from the Universe encouraging me to follow it.. how can I say no to that?
I am person that is in a constant and everlasting search on this Earth to achieve my higher self and purpose. I’m also human, I might make wrong turns, I might slip up, I too have regrets. But each experience was a learning lesson and I’m grateful for all my lessons.
Travelling is a passion of mine, it’s something I’m sure I share in common with a lot of other folks. It’s something that bring me joy, that terrifies me, that challenges me and makes me feel alive. Every time I have embarked on a new journey, I have always gotten more than I bargained for. Meeting new friends, stumbling upon treasure spots, I’ve had my breathe taken from me, turned my life upside down and I’ve always come out so humbled and grateful from the experience. Every travel is an adventure that will change your life forever. There’s always something that travels with you even long after you’ve left your destination. I call it “Wisdom Acquisition”; something I now know or understand that I didn’t before. I will never stop being a traveler and I certainly won’t apologize for it.
Summer is almost among us, if you get the opportunity, I encourage you take a trip. It doesn’t have to be extravagant, just something to dip your toes outside of your comfort zone.
With the internet, travelling can be easy and even inexpensive. There are sites where you can volunteer or work at a country in exchange for accommodation and meals. There are even a community of people who have opened their home to strangers just to enjoy a little cultural exchange. There are even apps that allow you to track everything.
I’ve said it before, travelling is not difficult. It’s our perception of it that makes it seem harder than it looks. Money or commitments are usually the issue but once you set your mind to it, just pack a bag and go! No regrets. That’s what I do 🙂
We are human.
This means that we are fragile. We are susceptible to pain. We hurt, we bleed, we break. Sometimes we have the scars to prove it, sometimes the wounds are invisible.
I will repeat this: We are human.
This means that we are imperfect at times. We make mistakes, we act out, we give in, we give up, we hurt, we kill, we destroy.
We are human.
This means that for every tear we’ve caused, we’re capable of getting a smile. Whatever we destroy, we’re able to build it back. We can give back, we can create life, we can start over…
So what is it? Why do we have to suffer? Is it because of our faults? How many of you believe that suffering is a punishment?
To my astonishment, I am here to share something with you I have learned not too long ago. You ready?
Pain is your teacher.
That’s right. You’re not trippin. You heard me right.
Pain is a mentor, a guide, an eye-opener, a perspective, a life changer.
To suffer is to live. It’s a part of life. Name me one person you know that has never felt pain… I’ll give you some time, in the meanwhile I’ll be watching an episode of Modern Family…
That’s because they don’t exist!
It’s like the “normal” person I’ve been talking about. I’m still waiting on someone to bring me back one of these.
So, recently, in the midst of experiencing some truly tragic events, I found myself at a devastating low.
There I was, unraveling in the hurt, the pain, the agony, the regret, the guilt, the fear, the gut wrenching feeling of having lost something that meant the world to me.
48 hours later, you know what I realized?
It was just not meant to be.
There are no mistakes. If you feel like you’ve outgrown someone, it’s for a reason!
We don’t need to hold on to something just because it’s what we know.
Anyway, I’m deviating. Back on topic, Pain.
You remember the infamous quote:
“Everyone wants happiness,
No one wants pain,
But you can’t have a rainbow,
Without a little rain”
So if you would please indulge me, I’d like to do a litter experiment with you, awesome reader =]
1. I want you to think about one of your happiest moments. The first one that comes to mind! Don’t over think it.
2. What is it? Ok, don’t tell me…
3. I want you to remember everything about it. I want you to visualize it, feel it, smell it, breathe it. Say it out loud.
4. How does it make you feel?
5. Did you smile? Did you heart swell up with joy? Did you exhale a tremendous sigh?
My memory: I closed my eyes and remembered the time I was on a plane. It was a trip I was taking to an unknown city. I was letting go of the world I knew in pursuit of my dreams. I finally made it. I was finally doing it. It was a proud, exciting and perfectly joyous occasion for me 30,000 feet above sea level.
Now… let’s do the same thing with a negative memory.
My memory: I remember when my grandmother died. I was 10. I remembered not being able to assimilate it for days. I was convinced she was still there, alive somehow, because I could feel her with me. And it hurt me more than anything that no one else could see her.
So… what was the experience like for you?
Now… this might sound crazy…
But just bear with me here.
Try and imagine a world where the negative memory never happened. Where you were never hurt. Ever! Nothing bad has ever happened to you. You have no idea what that is…
Now think back on your happy memory. Does it still feel the same to you?
In my case, it really doesn’t. Because the joy I felt came from achieving something. It came from my struggle to get to that place. It was so hard for me. I had many battles to fight to get there. I had proved many people wrong to be sitting there. Against all odds, I made it. That is why it was such a special moment for me. If I didn’t have to deal with any of that, I would’ve probably taken it for granted. Wow. Come to think of it, I’d probably be a bratty adult too and this blog wouldn’t exist 🙂
I have a confession to make: I can say without a doubt that I am the person I am today thanks to all the “stuff” that I’ve been through. My experiences made me. Every wound, every mistake, every regret, every tear, every sweat, every doubt, every breakdown… has brought me closer to myself.
It is that pain, that hardship, those times we fall right down to our knees, those scars and cuts and bruises that make us. They break us down, yes but they also help build us up.
Do not let the fear of pain conquer your desire for life, for adventure, for spontaneity, for love. In fact, let it guide you.
When confronted with an abyss, just leap forward. Just jump. You’ll have plenty of time to think about it during the fall. Just kidding 🙂
There are no mistakes in life. Just experiences.
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.
Beautiful people do not just happen.”
– Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
So go forth you beautiful human being and just be! You honestly never know how amazing something could turn out to be. So just leap!
PS: The song doesn’t have much to do with my post, I was just listening to it while writing. It’s one of my fav tracks. Sia has an amazing voice. You can check out more of her stuff here.