“You are your own guru” a wise woman once said to me.
“I know” I instinctively replied.
I have carried this truth with me for as long as I can remember, that I have all the answers within me somehow and the journey lies in discovering the way to unlock them.
Today, I sat with this knowing, this understanding. What does it really mean to be your own guru?
Here are the words that came:
We, human beings, are seekers by nature. That’s what makes us such great disciples and devotees. We find bliss in the search for something greater, for purpose, for meaning when it comes to our existence. Why are we here? Why do we suffer? What is the point of it all? What is God doing about it? We have never-ending questions and very little answers, yet we keep searching. We leave no stone unturned. From the bottom of a bottle, the tip of a needle, within the holy temple of another, we look up into the sky trying to peak behind the stars and the clouds for answers but now we know better. Now whether you ask a priest or a scientist where to look for answers they will both answer: Look within.
Within. What does that mean? Yogananda used to say that “God is in your spine”. What does this mean? I did Biology, I know everything this body is made up of. What could my liver or my kidneys tell me that I don’t already know? And yet, those two words keep ringing. Look within. Before you know it, you’re doing it. You’ve invited the silence to come a sit with you and you’re taking the trip inwards. You can feel your breathing. Do you know how bizarre this sounds? Yet you’re doing it. You feel it. In your breath, in the air. You feel it. The energy. Where do you think it comes from? Once you stabilize in this stage of being, of concentration and silence, once you feel the energy, you are finally being with yourself. This is my favorite part. It’s like falling in love. You feel something beautiful without knowing why. You just feel attracted, you feel like you’re next to goodness. It’s inevitable to fall in love with you. Because the divine, light-filled energy you is pretty damn amazing. You are kind, you are peaceful, beautiful, clear, honest and most of all, you’re wise. There is such deep, ancient wisdom here within you. The experience from all of your lives, all the memories engraved in your soul. There are things you don’t even know you know.
One of my very close friends asked me yesterday “how did you grow up to be so awesome?” I couldn’t tell if she was pulling my leg but she was actually serious. How did someone like me, knowing where I came from, the kind of family I was brought up in, how did I become this person? I laughed. It’s not something I’ve thought about recently but the truth is I know. I know I’m awesome. I know my heart is made of gold and I know why too. Because this is what I chose. I chose this life, I decided to be the person I am today, the person I’m working to become tomorrow. I made a choice. I chose to surprise people. I chose to offer compassion, patience, generosity, love and kindness in situations where they’d expect resentment, anger or jealousy. I made this decision to be different. To do things differently from the examples I had before me. I chose this life knowing full well what I was getting into. I know my kindness would be treated as weakness, I knew I’d encounter people far too eager to take advantage of me. I knew I’d let them. I knew I’d suffer immensely emotionally, I knew I’d learn to endure, I knew I would always be disappointed if I chose to expect the best from others, but I did it anyway. I knew I’d be disappointed and betrayed, I knew I’d learn new ways a human being could hurt every day. This is the honest truth. I knew. And I still chose to live this way. I have loved everyone that has ever hurt me. I have loved them deeply. Why? It sounds insane when I put it this way, so why did I choose this life?
Because I heard a voice inside that told me that it was what I had to do.
I can’t help make sense of that either but it’s the truth. I trust in this voice. it guides me when I lose sight of myself. It knows things, it feels things, it’s been places, it’s seen indescribable situations. But you know the most fascinating thing about this inner being? It’s how it connects with others. It has this way. Sometimes, when I look at someone, I know. I just know what they need. I know their wound, their lack, I know what they’re searching for. I feel it in my whole body and sometimes I know just what to say or do. Other times, they look at my eyes and find their own answers. I am not even aware of what happened. This is why I trust this voice.
I like to believe this being is the truth of who I am. Of who we all are. I like to believe in a world where each one of us chooses to live from this space. This is my guide, my spirit, my north. I trust in this voice. This is how I end up on street corners at odd hours just waiting and wondering, this is why I miss trains on purpose, why I’m perpetually late for meetings, why I take forever to decide. I don’t want to miss a miracle.
In this moment, my heart is full of love. I’m in love with someone I’ve never met. How can this be? I just know because that’s what my heart tells me. I trust this voice.
I know what I have to do but I hold myself back because the shoe feels too big for me to wear. I know the sacrifices I’d have to make, the risks I’d have to take and I don’t know if my fragile human state is ready for that. But every single day I get a little braver and push myself a little further that what I believe to be my limit. Because I trust this voice.
And I know I will never change. I won’t stop loving, I won’t stop hurting. I did what I could do. I’ve stopped lamenting and victimizing myself. My life is in my hands, from now on I’m making the choices and I’m done waiting for a savior to come. How could I forget something I knew all along? All I had to do was look within. All I had to do was sit with myself to find her. My true hero. Me.
Under all the rubble in your life, under all the dust and the sand and the dirt, you will notice that there is always life waiting to be born.
There is always a second chance.
A new beginning.
A new story waiting to be told.
As long as there is life, there will always be hope.